Walking With Red Slipper Pride

I’m beginning to think that it is common for people on some level resist change. It’s not individual people though, whole cities, communities, countries, cultures, you name it. Anything involving people resists change. I always figured that was a bad thing. I was in a big rush to grow up and leave town just to end up somewhere that wasn’t interested in fast growth. However, I’m really beginning to enjoy living in the South. I love how people here are not scared of each other. They are not afraid to start a conversation with you at the grocery store or at the DMV. It’s not weird to be friendly here. I really enjoy that. I love how I can go for a morning walk and run into people who are sitting outside with their coffee and I can just stand there and talk to them for a good fifteen minutes before it seems at all weird. I also love Southern hospitality. I tend to be very trusting and open with people, which is something that gets me in trouble most other places.

It just fit in well here. The lifestyle and culture is different enough that I don’t think I would get bored with it any time soon and I don’t feel like I have act differently out in public, put on a face as it were, like I have to do back home. I guess the biggest change I have been resisting is the change that has occurred within me. That’s always a hard one. I need to stop running away from myself and just be, just exist and here, for whatever odd reason, I can do that. It’s easy to live here, there’s no force about it. I introduce myself and it means something. For the first time, when I open my mouth, honesty just comes out. I’m beginning to develop some pride down here. It’s a Southern thing; it’s rubbing off on me. People down here are proud, they may at times be arrogant, or confused, or to the rest of the country seem backwards, conservative, behind the times, but you have to give people one thing, they are very proud.

It’s an odd thing. I know that my self-esteem is shot. A lot of change has happened to me, but somehow at the same time I’m very happy and comfortable. I think this picture from the local beach illustrates it best. Look at the people in this picture. I am like these people. I am not like the people in the Midwest who shop at cabala's and even when they are on vacation own things that go well together. I have heard people tell me that people in the Midwest have no fashion. Well, they do, but everyone wears jeans and t-shirts. Plain. Plain. Plain. I need to live somewhere where I can express myself, like this lady is doing with her umbrella. You see? I belong in the south. If I owned an umbrella like that, I'd take it out in public and I would be proud of it. In short, while there is no place like home, Dorothy needs to wear her red slippers.

Yet Another Ocean Trip

Recently I returned to the beach to yet again attempt to overcome my fear of floating. All the previous times I went to the beach there were hardly any people there, but this time, it was the classic beach scene: there were the chairs, the umbrellas, the really hot people in swimsuits and the not so hot people in swimsuits, there was the ultra hot sand and the whole time I couldn’t help but think of the famous Calvin and Hobbs strip where Calvin complains the whole time. Being from the land locked state of Kansas, it was quite an experience.

My first thought while in the ocean was that it really wanted to eat me and it was going to the first chance it got. In my mind it was just waiting for the moment when my boyfriend wouldn’t be watching me and then WHAM!! A big wave was going to just appear and swallow me. If that wasn’t traumatic enough, my boyfriend insisted that I attempt not only floating, but also body surfing. The whole time, I was frightened. I panicked a lot I think I must have screamed in horror a few times because even though the beach was quite crowed, before too long people gave me LOTS of space. No one was anywhere near us. I have drawn a picture to illustrate, because let’s face it, I laughed later, you should laugh at me too. It’s just really that funny. My boyfriend and I are the yellow dots.

And of course, in true Calvin form, when we had to leave I was very sad. The ocean is so much fun, once you learn that it’s not going to eat you, unless it’s a riptide, in which case, the ocean is angry and you should leave it alone, but on all the other days, it’s really just there to enjoy. Just don’t drink it, it tastes bad and it sucks to wear contacts in the ocean because salt water in the eyes hurts like nothing else, but despite all this, over time, the ocean and I have gone from being mortal enemies to being acquainted with each other. Also, I broke my record, on this day I floated for a whole FIVE seconds. Yes, I was yelling and screeching the whole time and almost forgot how to breathe, but I was quite proud of my accomplishment. However, my boyfriend now thinks that I may be a lost cause and has suggested that should take baby steps maybe I should practice floating in the apartment complex’s pool with a life jacket. Sigh, okay, okay, I know I’m pathetic and he’s for the most part kidding about buying me a life vest…I think…

First Step To Becoming An Old Geezer

I don’t know if I have been in the South too long, but I’m starting to really enjoy spending time in places that have a very relaxed atmosphere and an older crowd. Honestly, I think this is a sign that I’m turning into an “old geezer” as some have already pointed out to me. I really enjoy being the youngest person in the room.

For a while, we would go to Barnes and Nobles and get specialty drinks and browse the books and thoroughly enjoy ourselves. They have a collection of books, I guess you could say that they are classics that are super cheap and I love them dearly. They have wonderful introductions. It is solely because of these books that I have grown to love reading once more.

However, recently, the college students have returned and now my beloved bookstore is filled with very obnoxious freshman girls who think it’s proper to walk around with friends, point at books, and make comments like, “Oh, I read that like so long ago, like in middle school and I didn’t like it, it was too wordy.” I can’t help but think, it’s a freaking book, it’s suppose to have words, maybe you should try shutting your trap, choosing a book, finding a chair and reading. Who knows, you might actually grow intellectually and learn something. Good grief.

Sadly, I know, deep down in my heart, I once was that annoying. I think we all have caught ourselves judging someone whom is younger than ourselves and later realizing that at one time we were just as young and foolish. Sigh, yes, I am becoming an old geezer.

Unconditionally Loving Another

I’ve spent the last several days thinking about unconditional love. I think most people, when they think about finding that “special someone,” a soul mate, or true love they think that they kind of love that will exist between them is unconditional. I thought that too until recently. Loving someone unconditionally can be dangerous and at times energy draining. It can also be the foundation for very unhealthy relationships.

I think unconditional love is great between family, maybe even friends and everyone needs to be unconditionally loved at some point in their lives. It’s important to have people that will accept you for who you are everyday of your life and to have their opinion of you not falter even when you make bad decisions or questionable choices.
However, unconditional love has also evolved to mean that in addition to a type of emotional state for feeling for another person you also don’t change the way you treat them or the amount of support that you provide. That kind of support often means that you don’t try to change them in any way or persuade them to think differently, form another opinion or explore other avenues.

I think there is a serious problem with those kinds of relationships. No matter what kind of a relationship you are in you can’t run away from the fact that there will at some point and time be conflict and with conflict come a need for accepting fault and some change. These type of situations posses a huge problem because we think that to ask someone to change means that we don’t love them for who they are, but in order for a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife relationship to work there has to be change. It has to be okay to ask your partner to make a change or at least a compromise from time to time so that conflict can get resolved.

Does this mean that the best kind of love between life partners is not unconditional love as we have come to know it to be?

I can’t help but think of arrange marriages when the topic of love and marriage comes to mind. I know that if you look at data and studies you will find that arrange marriages or more likely to last, in other words, those marriages are less likely to end in divorce than marriages where people pick their spouse. Also, that couples in arrange marriages report loving their spouse more over time than couples in unarranged marriages. Does this mean that in this culture we have lost what a marriage is supposed to be?

There has been lots of discussion about what marriage is and how to define a married couple, but I look at the arranged marriage data and wonder what type of love exists there and if it could be defined as unconditional. I also know that there exists a theory in psychology where if a person is more likely to accept sometime if it can’t be returned or exchanged. A simple way to illustrate this is to give the example of purchasing something at store like a CD and the store offers a no exchange policy. A costumer is more likely to not only like the CD, but to like it more than a person who bought the same CD at a store that did offer the customer an easy way to return it. The same can be true with people and just about everything and this theory has been at the foundation of some arguments that it’s too easy to get a divorce and since that is the case, people jump into marriage and are quick to leave without really putting forth great effort to make things work.

I don’t know about all of this except that clearly, at least in this country, the ideas of love and family are going through some type of revision process. At one time, actually for a long time, people lived in what most refer to now as a nuclear family and that kind of family structure disappearing. Is this good or bad?

Human Contact

There has been a lot of discussion about how technology has changed how we communicate with one another, but I don’t think enough attention is being drawn to the fact that even though it is much easier to communicate, in many ways we are doing less of it. Our social circle is really much less social and much bigger. Also, the less we like someone, the less contact we have with them. We each can place our “friends” into three categories, those who we speak to personally, face to face, those who we speak to over the phone, and those who we speak to via the internet. There are, of course, sub categories to the above three, such as communicating with people via instant massager, by personal email, by the email that in no way identifies yourself, messages relayed through a social network website, and so forth. The fact of the matter is it’s easier to hide from people, to avoid people who not only you don’t like, but don’t know. It creates a way to further isolate oneself and make believe that establishing relationships is as easy as typing.

However, it is not the case. It doesn’t matter how many “friends” one has listed on an online profile, forming real, life long, meaningful and health relationships take work and, you guessed it, personal contact. A lot of communication is relayed through body language such as facial expressions. All of that is lost when communication takes place online. Granted, there is only so many ways to communicate with someone who is several hundred, or maybe, thousands of miles away. In the kind of sense of connecting the world, the internet is fantastic. However, I find it odd and strange how people use the internet to communicate with people who are in their own community. People set up online gaming and interact through characters. They share a make believe world with each other while pretending to be someone else. How is this healthy or satisfying? How can this possibly replace real, honest interaction with real live, in person human beings?

I don’t really understand the world of video games, online gaming, gaming, fantasy, etc. Granted, I love reading a good science fiction novel, but I, personally, only find it rewarding when done on occasion. I think it’s sad that we don’t have places where people just interact and are expected to interact. I think it’s sad that it’s almost become taboo to strike up a conversation with a stranger. Sure, we are more than happy to do it online, when we don’t even have any way to verify any information given in such a conversation. We have spent many generations reading people through behavior. In person, it’s fairly easy to tell if someone is lying when they say they are a twenty-four year old male and are standing before you with gray hair, lots of wrinkles, and big boobs. Yes, it’s true that even in person you can’t always tell, but I would be willing to guess that striking up conversations with strangers is in some ways much safer.

I’ve also noticed that people who spend a lot of time alone, isolated tend to care less about other people. I’m sure they care on some level, but they lack the ability to be empathic, to place themselves in someone else’s shoes. I believe that on some level and in some fashion the ability to do that is necessary.

Also, and finally, personal contact is great. I love hand shakes and eye contact. I love seeing someone’s smile in person and just feeling their aura which is something that gets missed when communication happens online.

Personal Pilgrimage

I finally caved today. It happens to all of us at some point. Granted, there are those few people that walk among us who believe that they would never stoop to such level. However, I am proud to say, to everyone, that I did indeed cave today. I broke down. I have had too many days of eating not only healthy, but just simply eating all new foods. I have yearned for something familiar in my stomach. Something to remind me of my glory days of college where my stomach was more like a garbage disposal that would take on the challenge of processing anything I gave it. No, I needed more than just going to the grocery store and buying a bag of tortilla chips, velveeta cheese and a can of chopped tomatoes. No, this was not a day for devouring chips and salsa while I watch my favorite movie. No, what was needed was something more sinful. I needed fast food.

Now, I had fast food one other time since I left the bread basket state, but this food that I needed not only had to be fast food, but it had to remind me of home. I needed to be comforted by food. Yes, I know it’s wrong. It’s even more wrong then buying a chocolate bar, but I’m still in America by golly and I must act like an American and consume some good old trans fat and grease. I needed a roast beef and cheddar sandwich, curly fries, mozzarella sticks and a nice, cold, sugary, carbonated beverage. It wasn’t a desire, the more I put this off, the more it became a need.

In my mind I was worshipping the taste and aroma that I envisioned of this glorious American food. It was interfering with my ability to keep my priorities straight. All I could think about was the taste of the fat and the grease. I was imagining the joy of looking out the window at all the cars that would zoom by on the highway while I enjoyed my food. That is how it happened, that is why it happened. That is way I caved today. It is why earlier today I made a pilgrimage to find something to satisfy my soul, my American soul.

I know that it is quite pathetic. I am convinced that if I was living in a foreign country I would be handling these things better. If I had no choice but to conform to the local culture, then I would. I would do so proudly and with grace. It’s just so confusing moving to a different part of the country. In so many ways, if feels like home, it’s the same country after all, but at the same time, the new place demands that you change so you do.

At least, I was set out in doing so until I caved. I don’t regret it. I enjoyed eating my fast food. I enjoyed how much it hurt to drink a carbonated beverage and how I couldn’t control my loud belching in the restaurant. It had been so long since I had a soda that I forgot that burps are part of the appeal of the product. I will admit that half way through the meal I felt sick and that I didn’t eat everything. I will also admit that since I am currently unemployed, on some level in my mind I’m telling myself that it was stupid to spend $8.63 on one single meal. Yes, all of this is true. I will admit. I have my moments of weakness and sometimes my moments of weakness leave me feeling incredibly sick. However, my soul is satisfied and I can now go back to living the healthy life where I treat my body with respect and not pollute with crap like greasy food.

Oh, but it was so delicious….

Short Note On Racism

Racism is such a sticky topic in this country and definitely more in some areas than others. Spending time in Charleston, just miles from what used to be plantations that had slaves is certainly opening my eyes to the issue. I can remember back in the eighth grade when in history class I first learned about the slave trade. I also remember going home and throwing my history textbook at my father and demanding to be transferred to a different school because the one I'm attending is teaching me such crap these days. It just didn't make sense to me and I didn't understand why the Europeans thought they needed it, they already had indentured servants. What was the point? My problem is just basically that I'm ignorant, always have been, will probably will be to some extent, but spending time in a part of the country where there definitely is a big difference between "whites" and "blacks" is certainly helping me understand racism a lot more, especially how it is a alive and well in this country. It's quite sad. I rather enjoyed believing that all the stories weren't true.

People are also really nice and sweet down here, so it also makes me wonder how bad the racial divide is in areas of the country where people are not so nice. It's just so strange to me. I feel like I need to leave just so that I don't turn into one of those people who is so negative about people who are African American. I can't even begin to tell you how many times my jaw has just dropped when people say things. For example, I was talking about a story I had seen online about a young girl in her early teens getting a DUI and the person who I was speaking to, before I had even finished relaying the article blurted out, "Was she black? I bet she was black. Only a black person would do something like that." I'm not kidding, direct quote. Can you believe this rubbish? However, this is the kind of thing that gets said down here, it's really sad.

I've also noticed that if a line of people are waiting to be helped, say buy a ticket at a movie, and the ticket issuer is black, then all of the white people in the line get very antsy and annoyed after just standing in line for a couple of minutes, some even complain about how the long line is a direct result of the ticket issuer's slowness and all of the people who are black just stand there patiently. BUT, if the ticket issuer is white, then it's vise versa. It's so strange. It's like a whole other world in that sense. I have never seen anything like it, but at least now I'm beginning to understand what all the fuss about racism is about.

Lack of Green

I am rediscovering my love for color. It's quite pathetic, I know, I'm such a lost puppy. If the University had only offered a degree in color theory, but alas, I am having to settle for all the free paint samples from Home Depot and visiting an exhibit on the history of color fabric dyes at a local museum. Some say I should consider being an interior designer and go back to school and such, but I don't know if that would be such a good idea. I'm such an efficient freak, I would strive to find that colors and designs that would bring out the best in people and just design everything as such. "No, you can't have a yellow nursery for your baby! He'll have trouble sleeping!!!" Yes, I would never have clients, ever, so I think I will just stick to this being a secret passion of mine.

On that note, an old friend of mine, from Atlanta once told me that the most popular color for cars is green in that area, so when I came to Charleston, I thought I would find a similar phenomena, but no, there is no popular car color here. It makes me sad. The only things that are green around here are the trees, it's odd, people don't even really wear the color green. Kermit the Frog would be sad if he lived here although, he did always say, it's not easy being green...

Being Lost, Keeping Love

I find myself thinking of a lot of firsts in recent days: The first time my parents trusted me enough to be home alone, my first airplane ride, my first bathing suit, the first and only time I ate french fries with ketchup, but none of my firsts take up more of my thought then the first time I was "lost" or "unlocatable."

I remember it clearly, the first time in my life that if someone wanted to be able to find me, it would take them several hours, maybe even days. I had lived on my own for a few months and I went for a walk, didn't tell anyone where I was going, left my cell phone at home so no one could contact me and it was possibly one of the most wonderful things I have ever experienced in my entire life. It was so freeing, so honest, it was just me and the world, no one else. I found myself traveling to places that I had often thought of going to, long winding streets, odd stores, but just never could find the time, and loving just simply existing in that very moment. It was bliss.

I find myself, as one could imagine, doing a lot of new firsts here in a new town during what must be the "next chapter" of my life, but at the same time, I keep breaking down in shock and sorrow. I find myself doing things that remind me of home: I watch a lot of movies, spend a lot of time on the Internet, walk around stores even though I don't need anything...

And yet, at the exact same time, I'm forcing myself, no, forcing is too strong of a word, I'm allowing myself to let go: I hardly ever wear my watch, I spend so much time reading now, I clean things daily, I can't stand to see a dirty dish anywhere in this apartment (eeekkk!!!)

It's things like these that make me wonder if I am being myself. I look in the mirror often to verify, I reach out and touch things, I go outside and stand on the balcony and say to myself, "Yes, indeed, this isn't Kansas anymore," I go find the few things I brought with me from home and hold on to them for a few minutes. The one item that I am finding myself looking at the most often is oddly enough something I packed by accident. It's a note written by a dear friend, and it was given to me on my birthday several years ago. It's a card and inside is note written on half a sheet of a notebook paper, folded to which is says, among other things, "Just remember it's OK not to know where you're going. You'll get there."

So basically, in mind, my dear friend has given me his expressed permission to get lost as much as I want and that it's okay. Every time I read this note I tear up a little, how could I not? There are so many people who travel through life never knowing what love is, not in any way, not even loving themselves, and here is a person, a dear friend, left from a relationship of not so long ago who loved me so much, even then, when he knew less about me to say that it was OK, that I was OK, that my life is OK.

Yes, it's true, I don't need any one's permission to do anything with my life, but to know that even those who love me will always love me, no matter where I am or how lost I get, is definitely something I hold on to and even though from time to time in life I'm going to be lost, there are definitely things I can pack with me, even when I can't take suitcases, one of which is going to be that love, it's going to go with me every where I go. I hope that it never gets lost and that my love, in return, will never get lost.

Charleston Weather and Cars

Back home there was this saying, "If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes." We often joke about how forecasts are never accurate, but here, near the coast, it is all very strange. Back home, if it was going to rain, there would be some kind of warning, a front would move in, you could see it coming and it always came basically from the same direction. I don't ever recall getting rain from Kansas City...

Here, it is always rain, and only rain, but it could come from anywhere. It could be clear as day and sunny and then ten minutes later, it could be raining and the rain could come from the west or the east or where ever, it's just seems odd to me, but yesterday I decided it would be the same way if I lived on a tropical island, so now I rather enjoy it.

My tropical island with lots of freeways....

I am also fascinated by the small number of crappy cars here. I'm guessing it's because there is no sense in buying a car unless it has good air conditioning, so if you can't afford something that good, you just rely on the bus. Also, there's all the freaking highways, so maybe that's a factor. I don't know, I'm just noting the observation.

A Short List of Goals

Yesterday I made a list of things that I wanted to do at some point or stuff that I want to have. It's odd what kinds of things I miss and what I want to do. On one hand I think I'm a weird freak, on the other I think I'm perfectly normal.

Own for some length of time a hammock and accompanying tress
Learn how to sew and make the quilt that I have been wanting to make for years now
Learn how to float and swim
Own a car
Know how to fix a flat tire
Read a bunch more books of all kinds including the "classics"
Teach for the experience, not as a career
Be a salesperson for the experience, not as a career
Write an autobiography and possibly never share it
Write a set of short stories or a book and really never share it
Understand once and for all what the heck a semi conductor is, how it works and what it is used for
Make my very own banana bread
Live in a foreign country
Wear a dress for a whole day for no reason

That is all for now, I'm sure I'll write more entries like this later.

Sand Fish Makers

Dear person who made really neat sand fish all along the beach on Friday,

Next time, don't make sand pits along the beach! People, such as myself, whom like to walk along the beach and look at the waves and stars tend to fall in such pits and twist ankles and knees. Why can't you just join the flashlight people and spend your evenings trying to find jellyfish?

Finding Solutions to Problems

Why is there this desperate need and desire to explain everything in simple, universal terms? Why are there so many lines of thought, philosophies and religions devoted for being the answer to everything, the one and only way to see and think about things?

Yes, there are things that people have in common and it’s an interesting concept that besides the physical things that we can see we have in common, eyes, ears, heart, feet, and so forth, there are behavior things and reactions that are so universal that we can say with certainty that they will always happen.

But is that true?

Genetically, we are different from each other, generally, there are identical twins, but even then, they have differences that the acquire from their environment, so what gives? Why are we so obsessed with a universal way of acting, behaving, believing, and living of life?

At no time is there such a fascinating example of this conflict then how people react to stressful situations. Sometimes, for everyone at some point, a lot gets thrown at you, sometimes faster than you think you can handle. At times like these, people panic, they do things that seem out of character. People who have never prayed in their lives will show up at some random church and ask for outside help, answers and solutions to current life problems that seem so impossible thinking there is some universal, standard way to solve it.

Why do people ask for solutions? Why not ask for the strength to handle the situation? Isn’t that by far more important? I found a journal that I used for a while, when I was very sick, back in college, most of it was rubbish at this point in my life, but one page just made my day, gave me the self-esteem boost I needed to keep going with the packing and the moving and the life changing. It said the following:

Rule #1: You must come up with your own answers to everything. You cannot steal anyone else’s. That’s cheating.

Rule #2: Everything is temporary.

I think in life, so often, we “cheat,” we don’t ask for help, we ask for solutions, we ask people what they would do if they had the same problem and we then copy them, we do the same thing instead of taking the time to understand that there is so much more to be taken from that problem that appeared for us, in our own life.

Also, we also forget that things change. My grandfather always told me that if life gave me too much to handle, that I should take a nap because when I wake up I’ll have more strength to deal with it or the problem will change into something else, so that it may be easier to handle. No where did he ever call up someone and ask for assistance, however, he was a guy, and guys tend not to, but regardless, it’s still a good point. It’s silly to get upset with a problem for too long, because it, like everything is just going to exist for a while and then leave or turn into something else. It’s just the way it goes.

I currently have so many problems and concerns that I feel overwhelmed. I just don’t know what to do, except wake everyday and hope that I will find the strength to keep my head up and keep asking for more information. I think that’s reasonable, because with more information I can find solutions, at some point, for my current problems and although with new information comes new problems, they will be ones that will help me grow even more in life, so it’s a good thing.

At least, that’s what I keep telling myself, but in reality, I want to just pack up my suitcases, runaway back to Kansas and just hide under a bed in my grandmother’s basement for the next several months. I’d make an appearance for Christmas.

Sigh. I can’t though, I can’t do it. I haven’t run away from anything else that has been thrown at me so this should be easy, right? Truth is, there is no universal answer to the question of what I should be doing. I’m not just talking about the question of what one should do with their life, but just even in an everyday kind of sense. Oddly, while it is so obvious that my life is unique and I need to discover this myself, there is the temptation of stealing an answer from some where else, some place else, from some other life and claiming it as my own.

However, it’s not entirely possible, we each steal things and ideas all the time. How many things do you use that were invented by someone else? See? I guess, there is something we have in common besides processing the same organs: we are all a bunch of conniving thieves. I think I want a t-shirt that says that…

The Benefits of an Extended Vacation

I have heard it said by many people how important it is to at some point in life go visit some place that is away from home, most say a foreign country, for at least long enough that you no longer feel like you are on vacation, where you can be yourself. It’s a hard feat, I think. When you are home, you are yourself, but so much of yourself is defined by your life there. I think that is something that most don’t realize. When you are out of your safety net of home, hell, even going away to college has a safety net, but I am really talking about going some place that doesn’t have that kind of familiarity in any way. Granted, I’m still in the United States, so I guess I can in no way consider myself knowledgeable about finding ones self in a new place when I clearly can locate a familiar fast food place in a short amount of time. Regardless, I do think there is a lot that I can say about my experiences here, especially along the lines of self discovery.

First and fore most, I need to give myself a lot more credit. I am definitely braver than I thought, stronger than I thought and healthier than I ever dreamed of being. I’m also incredibly lucky and fortunate. I don’t know where in life I developed the type and degree of level headedness that I have, but it’s fantastic. I have encountered so many people who are closed minded in some way and I’m sure I am in some respect also, but it’s just be interesting to see how I tend to relate to people so well. I can’t walk anywhere by myself without complete strangers just walking up to me and starting a conversation. People of all ages, races, backgrounds. It’s like I give off the ultimate I am a nice, friendly person vibe. I’m also a lot more empathetic, which I guess is why people seem so comfortable around me. It’s been interesting. I went into an interview for a sales job, something I have been telling myself I could never do and I would hate if I ever did, but I found it easy to interact with and communicate with all of the different people there. I don’t mean to ramble about this. It’s just so fascinating since for such a long time, a period of years, I couldn’t communicate what time of day it was, much less how I thought about anything. I still have issues, but I’m very optimistic about it now. I almost have the self confidence to be even more open and honest with people, especially family and friends, which is something I have struggle with.

I’m also learning that I do indeed have dreams and goals I want to accomplish in life. Discovering this about myself just makes me so incredibly happy. I guess it’s a good sign that I can leave home for several weeks and return with the inner power and belief that I can get things done and feel good about it and myself at the same time.

Granted, there are things I can’t get away from, like how I am a woman, so yes, I would like to lose ten pounds and yes, I do day dream about some day having a fairy tale wedding and yes, I am a sucker for a massive blow out sale at a girlie place like bath and body works. On a related note, I’m way more girlie than I thought I was. If I had, say, a thousand dollars to blow on clothes, I would go to the mall and buy a bunch of sun dresses with beautiful prints and other type things and pretty shoes, probably not high heals, but just nice shoes, not tennis shoes. I would also buy jewelry. I haven’t decided yet if I want to get my ears pierced. That’s kind of a conflicted issue on a personal level. (The whole belief I have had for a long time how if I was meant to come with more holes, I would have been born with them.) I would also like to have some purses. I am sick and tired of wearing Bermuda shorts and carrying everything around in my pockets. Also, as funny as this is, I’m starting to really like pink, but I think that one is to blame on being in the South in the summer. Pink is just everywhere and it’s hard not to like something that is in so many places.

Sorry, I started to day dream about shopping for clothes and dancing in the rain in a yellow sun dress so I think I should end this post and move on to another when I regain my brain.

Charleston Bridges

The geography in this area is interesting. The population is spread out over several peninsulas that are connected by a series of bridges, not to mention the swamps that sometimes create extra divisions. There isn't some downtown commercial center with sky scrapers anywhere, everything is so spread out. I've spent a great deal of time ever since I spent some time studying urban geography bad mouthing suburbia development, but I guess in a swamp land like this, it may be the only way to go. Now, I'm not saying the road system is efficient, because it's not and the bus system is it's own type of ridiculous, but it is amazing that things are connected at all down here. I have never seen a ten lane highway connect two areas of such little population, and there are several of them, but it makes sense, I guess. I hardly see any major traffic, which is good, because drivers down here are nuts. However, when there is a traffic jam, it goes on for miles and there is often the one bridge that connects point A to point B so you just inch along while it takes you the hour or so to cross the bridge. If you look past all the concrete, the landscapes are beautiful. It's amazing how you can sometimes just look out your window and see magnificent birds, alligators or other wildlife. It's quite lovely.

The Fourth

It's funny how life works sometimes. I keep thinking to myself, why am I here? What am I doing here? And then I just sit back and try to enjoy myself. Yesterday, I was freaking out, mainly due to homesickness because I love spending the holiday with my family, eating lots of good food, listening to the same stories told year after year and later on in the evening, watching fireworks as I get eaten alive by bugs. Tradition is important. I can't help being who I am and how I tend to follow life by the ideas taught in Methodism, granted I'm not the most religious person in the world, but there is something to be said for a modern twist on Wesley's Quadrilateral, which stressed the importance of tradition.

Even though I couldn't do the standard hang out with family and watch fireworks, we did go out and eat ribs, which were fantastic as well as walk through a mall. Can I be any more American? It was strange how many cell phone booths, jewelry stores and shoe stores there were. Also, I have never seen so much 'bling' before in my life. Other than that, a nice relaxing holiday. I have more to say, but it will have to come later. :)

Soul Searching in Charleston

In case you haven’t heard, I am currently located in the town of North Charleston in South Carolina. My reasons for coming out here are rather personal; at least most of them, but among them include the basic soul searching that one must do in life from time to time. I haven’t been here for very long, but I must say, my stay thus far has been very rewarding. I’m discovering, or rather, reminding me what is most important to me, my personal beliefs, values, dreams and how I really need to redirect and reorganize my life. This kind of overhaul is necessary so that I can continue to be happy.

I know such a concept may seem strange to some, but in life it’s not about asking what is normal, what is average, what one should be doing right now, but rather, what is normal for me? What is average for me? What should I be doing right now? I find it rather interesting how I live in a society and culture focused on individualism but yet at the same time there is so much emphasis on fitting in. We spend so much energy telling people to be themselves, yet at the same time give so much advice, sometimes directing people as to what they should do with themselves, pressuring them to fit into some standard picture in some way.

Back home, I consistently felt like I couldn’t get out of the sick person mold. I would start something and someone would always take it over somehow and the end result would be not what I had envisioned. I could never when that battle. I apparently lack the ability to communicate when I need help, what kind of help I need and when I no longer need help with something. I also couldn’t say no to any one. I’m doing much better down here, I can actually stand up for myself and say no and stop and be demanding and fight for my needs. It’s a strange feeling, I feel guilty about it, but at the same time it’s empowering.

I think on some level a person needs some kind of a purpose or a role to fill and I am no exception. I desire to fill a role other than the sick, hopeless, crazy, dumb person. How one defines purpose and role is personal, at least I think it is. Some people are satisfied defining it as sister or friend, while others need to define it as teacher or engineer. There are of course others, the small short ones that often get over looked. How many times has a complete stranger brightened up or ruined your day? How many times have you walked down the street and because someone smiled at you, your day was better and how many times has a moron driver sent you plummeting into a bad mood? The point is, we are filling roles, finding a purpose, to a large degree, by simply being ourselves and living our everyday life.

I know that for most people, what is normal for them is to reach for and obtain big goals, to become a writer, a firefighter, to obtain skills that take lots of work and effort over many years. What is normal for me, is lots of little things. I don’t want some life long career; I don’t want to live in the same town my whole life. I want to do many different things, see many different places. However, at the same time, I don’t want to be a nomad traveler; I just want a change of scenery every now and again. I want to explore a little, try new things, but at the same time I want to find a place I could call home. I haven’t quite figured it out yet, maybe I need to have a home base and then go on lots of vacations and see the world as a part time hobby or something. In short, I still don’t know. It’s okay though, it’s alright to not know everything, to just wake up each day and enjoy it. I won’t lie, I have had my days where I wake up at six in the morning, eat breakfast and get so overwhelmed by all the luxurious freedom that I have that I go right to bed and sleep for a while. Somehow by shortening the day by an hour just makes it seem more conquerable.

I do my best to get out everyday and enjoy the sunshine and allow myself to break down and cry every once in a while because, well, it’s a lot of change in a short amount of time and it’s healthy to emotionally react to all that is around you, which sometimes means crying…and other times it means breaking out in a funky dance in your pajamas and making lots of little squeaky happy giggling noises.

Regardless, this too won’t last; soon I’ll be somewhere, starting over all over again, probably for a couple more times. It’s a lot to handle. Can this whole situation be even possible? Is it real? These are questions I ask myself repeatedly. What is love? How do I know when I meet the person I want to travel along life with? Is it a feeling, a spark? Is it more gradual? What would one do for love, if that is indeed what they had? Should I plan the next phase of my life around this person I’m currently spending the summer with? It seems it would be a bad idea on so many levels. Forget all the previous reasons people had to call me crazy, doing that would establish a whole new list of reasons to do so. It also implies that this guy somehow replaces the love that I had for the last person I was dating, which isn’t true, and never will be. People aren’t replaceable, not on any level. I still firmly believe that.

No, what I have here is something entirely different, something that I had never encountered. It’s very odd in that respect. It doesn’t replace nor is it like any previous relationship and he’s not like any other person I have met either. I don’t feel I have to give up anything about myself, my life, my future, and my dreams to have it. It’s an addition, a wonderful addition. Knowing him, being in a relationship with him, just adds things to my life. I can just be myself and everything is okay. I don’t have to lie about my moods, my feelings, my past, my opinions, everything about me is okay here and with him, I’m okay here, me, in my entirety. I can be open and honest in way I never could before. It’s not a competition and I’m not competing with him. We’re not fighting for the spot light; we are just enjoying each other’s company, so maybe I’m not crazy, maybe this is the person I should travel through life with. We do seem to bring out the best in each other…

I just don’t know, I bloody just don’t know.

More to come later…