Soul Searching in Charleston

In case you haven’t heard, I am currently located in the town of North Charleston in South Carolina. My reasons for coming out here are rather personal; at least most of them, but among them include the basic soul searching that one must do in life from time to time. I haven’t been here for very long, but I must say, my stay thus far has been very rewarding. I’m discovering, or rather, reminding me what is most important to me, my personal beliefs, values, dreams and how I really need to redirect and reorganize my life. This kind of overhaul is necessary so that I can continue to be happy.

I know such a concept may seem strange to some, but in life it’s not about asking what is normal, what is average, what one should be doing right now, but rather, what is normal for me? What is average for me? What should I be doing right now? I find it rather interesting how I live in a society and culture focused on individualism but yet at the same time there is so much emphasis on fitting in. We spend so much energy telling people to be themselves, yet at the same time give so much advice, sometimes directing people as to what they should do with themselves, pressuring them to fit into some standard picture in some way.

Back home, I consistently felt like I couldn’t get out of the sick person mold. I would start something and someone would always take it over somehow and the end result would be not what I had envisioned. I could never when that battle. I apparently lack the ability to communicate when I need help, what kind of help I need and when I no longer need help with something. I also couldn’t say no to any one. I’m doing much better down here, I can actually stand up for myself and say no and stop and be demanding and fight for my needs. It’s a strange feeling, I feel guilty about it, but at the same time it’s empowering.

I think on some level a person needs some kind of a purpose or a role to fill and I am no exception. I desire to fill a role other than the sick, hopeless, crazy, dumb person. How one defines purpose and role is personal, at least I think it is. Some people are satisfied defining it as sister or friend, while others need to define it as teacher or engineer. There are of course others, the small short ones that often get over looked. How many times has a complete stranger brightened up or ruined your day? How many times have you walked down the street and because someone smiled at you, your day was better and how many times has a moron driver sent you plummeting into a bad mood? The point is, we are filling roles, finding a purpose, to a large degree, by simply being ourselves and living our everyday life.

I know that for most people, what is normal for them is to reach for and obtain big goals, to become a writer, a firefighter, to obtain skills that take lots of work and effort over many years. What is normal for me, is lots of little things. I don’t want some life long career; I don’t want to live in the same town my whole life. I want to do many different things, see many different places. However, at the same time, I don’t want to be a nomad traveler; I just want a change of scenery every now and again. I want to explore a little, try new things, but at the same time I want to find a place I could call home. I haven’t quite figured it out yet, maybe I need to have a home base and then go on lots of vacations and see the world as a part time hobby or something. In short, I still don’t know. It’s okay though, it’s alright to not know everything, to just wake up each day and enjoy it. I won’t lie, I have had my days where I wake up at six in the morning, eat breakfast and get so overwhelmed by all the luxurious freedom that I have that I go right to bed and sleep for a while. Somehow by shortening the day by an hour just makes it seem more conquerable.

I do my best to get out everyday and enjoy the sunshine and allow myself to break down and cry every once in a while because, well, it’s a lot of change in a short amount of time and it’s healthy to emotionally react to all that is around you, which sometimes means crying…and other times it means breaking out in a funky dance in your pajamas and making lots of little squeaky happy giggling noises.

Regardless, this too won’t last; soon I’ll be somewhere, starting over all over again, probably for a couple more times. It’s a lot to handle. Can this whole situation be even possible? Is it real? These are questions I ask myself repeatedly. What is love? How do I know when I meet the person I want to travel along life with? Is it a feeling, a spark? Is it more gradual? What would one do for love, if that is indeed what they had? Should I plan the next phase of my life around this person I’m currently spending the summer with? It seems it would be a bad idea on so many levels. Forget all the previous reasons people had to call me crazy, doing that would establish a whole new list of reasons to do so. It also implies that this guy somehow replaces the love that I had for the last person I was dating, which isn’t true, and never will be. People aren’t replaceable, not on any level. I still firmly believe that.

No, what I have here is something entirely different, something that I had never encountered. It’s very odd in that respect. It doesn’t replace nor is it like any previous relationship and he’s not like any other person I have met either. I don’t feel I have to give up anything about myself, my life, my future, and my dreams to have it. It’s an addition, a wonderful addition. Knowing him, being in a relationship with him, just adds things to my life. I can just be myself and everything is okay. I don’t have to lie about my moods, my feelings, my past, my opinions, everything about me is okay here and with him, I’m okay here, me, in my entirety. I can be open and honest in way I never could before. It’s not a competition and I’m not competing with him. We’re not fighting for the spot light; we are just enjoying each other’s company, so maybe I’m not crazy, maybe this is the person I should travel through life with. We do seem to bring out the best in each other…

I just don’t know, I bloody just don’t know.

More to come later…