Thank you, but no thank you to lobsters and clams.

Is it a bad sign I went to the dentist and now have six cavities? I can’t help but wonder if I can add this to kidney stones and conclude that I was not meant for New England cuisine. I don't think that lobsters will mind if I stop eating them, I know it will make the sea gulls happy. Why are those bloody birds so vicious?

Just saying...

If you want to know how bad something is doing, find your idealists, if they are worried, you've got a real problem.

Talkie Talkie

I have never been one to ignore people but for very complicated reasons I isolated myself from people related in some fashion to my husband’s work. In most situations, such a choice would in no way be bad, but since my husband is in the military it had consequences. My last entry involved me ranking for a while about them and their lack of communication. Since that post I’ve come to realize that in the same way that any school is different or any company, the same can be said for different groups within the military, like say the crewmen aboard any given submarine. They each have their own personality as it were.

You’d be amazed at how much insight you loose when you don’t communicate with someone, or in my case, several people for a while. I was taken back by how many negative feelings were just simply tied into the distance and much less into any kind of anger or resentment or disrespect. People can change a hell of a lot, but in some odd way, they don’t really. Part of me wants to say that a person’s personality doesn’t change, but that doesn’t seem correct. I’m not sure, just that it’s silly to be afraid of people simply because you haven’t spoken in a while.

Oddly enough, the same day that I was figuring all this out in my own life I had to deal with this at a completely different angle. Why the heck someone bothers me up here in dear old Maine to ask me how someone is doing is beyond me really, but I guess curiosity always did kill cats at least. I wish I could say that I don’t ever allow my life to influence what I have to say to someone to too much of a degree, but it’s a dangerous land if someone asks me for advice. If it’s someone I know well, encounter frequently, then it’s easy to tailer my advice to their life, but when they are hundreds if not thousands of miles a way, well, lets just say my bag of ideas becomes limited.

It is definitely one of the great downfalls to internet and text messaging. The words can cover that much distance, but the rest has to be filled in by the person reading it. I think in the same way we are drawn to car crashes and burning houses we are drawn towards ideas of dramatic conspiracies. People read words from someone they haven’t spoken to in a while and they fill in the gaps with what they want and don’t take the time to step back and view the communication from some other angle then the way it was initially received. And forget people following up such things with a phone call. Believe me, I do all the time and people rarely return them.

So yes, that is where it stands, I’m not crazy and nor is anyone else. I know, it’s a lame point to a long blog entry, but sometimes I wish for every election sign there was one saying that, then maybe people would begin to believe. Well, okay, there is that one lady from Alaska who seems to think that despite not even knowing where most countries in the world are on a map, she seems to think we should trust her with running the place.

Hopefully, she’ll never have to make a decision on where to send an atomic bomb, she might end up bombing Beijing instead of North Korea and that would be a shame. They just make the place all pretty like with the Olympics and all. But hey, if people really think that the biggest problem facing this country is the Roe versus Wade decision of thirty years ago and not something like education, health care or the economy, then by all means vote for a couple of people who care about your right to let other people choose for you. After all, you have more important things to do and worry about, right?

Send in the clowns...

Why is it such a hard concept for people to grasp that I can only form conclusions with the information I have? Furthermore, if I cannot draw a conclusion that makes sense or at least enough sense so that I can sleep well, then I’m going to ask questions. People seem to question how much I care, if you care, if you truly love, and then you’ll fight to understand. To simply blindly trust anything is very risky and nerve racking and I am one who cannot function for too long without being able to at least trust the important influencers in my life.

I know it’s horrible, but I’m beginning to believe that someone’s behavior away from work does indeed impact their job. I’m also beginning to believe that the longer hours somehow works, the more likely their “true selves” will surface. I’m getting really tired of people just telling me to suck it up and deal with it. It scares me to wits end when people who will be either in charge of my husband’s life and safety or those assisting him have the intelligence of a small mouse, can’t even do something as simple as train new crew members in a timely fashion, discipline those who clearly are self centered pricks and have no concept that their behavior has consequences on those around them and communicate and/or educate those of us on the outside why after such mockery they should be trusted at all.

I guess it’s not enough I can’t sleep at night and wake up to nightmares and am getting increasingly sick. No one gives a damn, I’m just a stupid civilian asking too many questions and apparently it’s stupid to want to trust the military. Even on a basic level of, I’m an American tax payer does this entire circus show irritate me. If congress wasn’t such a mess, I’d attempt to pull a shawshank letter write fest and hope that after a couple of years, someone would finally get the message. Knowing my luck, they won’t and even if they did, it would be too late. They’ll probably have me drugged to the point of stupidity by then so I really will be dumb and happy. They’ll argue some crap like how it’s in the best interest of the whole lot for me to just shut up and if I don’t voluntarily, then they’ll do what’s necessary so I will. I’ll have no choice; I’ll just deal with it. It’s not like I haven’t been transformed into a drug zombie before so people who are by far more important than me could feel better.

Freedom

Sometimes I think people hear the world freedom and think that word and its related concept means just one all encompassing thing. In reality, there are actually several freedoms and sometimes people can pick and choose which one they want. Maybe a better way to look at it is the use the world luxury. America was founded on an idea that each individual not only could, but had a right to, pursue happiness. That idea doesn’t exist and is at this point unrealistic. Who gets to define this happiness? What about the people who are only happy when using an illegal drug or murdering people? Those people do not have the right to pursue happiness. As a country, that was decided. At an extreme, it can be easy, but it’s the middle ground, the gray area that gets people.

I’m watching again the series band of brothers. I don’t know why exactly, but it reminded me of the choices I have made to obtain the little freedoms I have now, or rather, the luxuries I have now. I have the freedom to do so many things. I imagine many people may take them for grated. When I have a bad day, I remind myself I made a choice and because of that choice I have the freedom to do things like choose what food I keep in my kitchen that I share with my husband. I have mornings I skip through songs on my way to work, not listening to any one in its entirety. I have the freedom to do that and it’s wonderful. I don’t know why I didn’t see it this way before. It makes it so much easier to find peace with it all. I conformed, and in return I can go outside for long walks and eat my lunch in the sunshine. The list is so long it will keep me busy for the rest of my life.

Life is good, Life is great, Life is unbelievable...

Wow. It’s been a long time. I know, I’m turning into one of those people who claim they don’t have time to do things, but in actually just suck at time management. I hate those people; I need to stop becoming one! Anyway, as usual, my life is anything but boring. I think if I actually had a normal, boring day or week or whatever, my soul may shrink a little.

Being married to the navy is definitely interesting. I moved up here thinking that I could count on the other families attached to the same boat as my husband, but boy was I wrong! It’s a real shame too. I wanted to view them as a kind of extended family, but sadly, events have made that ever so impossible. It’s on one hand, and quite possible half of the other, my fault. I simply lack the maturity to deal with a lot of the drama.

Basically, in short, I believe my husband is getting shafted by the navy and its accompanying politics while other members of the same boat are getting rewarded despite bad attitudes and poor conduct. I’m sure everyone has their complaints, but he has every reason to come home, open a window and cry out: “I’m mad as hell and I can’t take it any more.” However, he keeps going like an energizer battery and gives life lots of passion each and every day. I have no idea how he comes home from work and still smiles. If I had to be at work by 6am Wednesday and didn’t return home until 4pm Thursday only to go back and work 6pm to 8pm that very evening, I think I would invest in a punching bag at least.

On top of that kind of work ethic, he also doesn’t complain or bad mouth people. I know that what I just said should be a given, but you’d be surprise in this whole navy world I’m in. One would think they navy would reward such good behavior, and they may from time to time, but for some odd reason, at the same time, the government acts like it doesn’t have to honor contracts. Strangely enough, I’m getting shafted in the same way in my work world. Funny, isn’t it?

I am (or was) under a five month contract, which expired recently, and yet I can still show up to work and get paid. Oddly, somewhere, someone knows what’s going on with that, I hope they don’t fire me. Hopefully, a couple of elves got together in a back room and signed me on for five more months. However, maybe the fact I am not suppose to go from a temp contract to permanency without fulfilling training and getting up to speed on production requirements is what is slowing things. I guess that would mean I would actually have to stay at a job long enough to complete training. Now, I’m in a ten week training and right after I complete that, the company will be under the control of new owners which will probably have their own rules for this kind of thing. Meanwhile, I’m pondering why I was moved from a job where I could actually apply my degree to a department that just simply needs half way intelligent people. Maybe I should investigate if the company is owned by squirrels or moose.

Oh yes, and just because god has a sense of humor, as of last week I developed a nice lovely rash that will last any where from six weeks to six months that feels like I hugged an upset porcupine. It has no know cause or cure so I’m sitting through training while trying to ignore the fact I’m pumped up with Benadryl and Claritin. Surprisingly enough, the lack of sleep caused by the itching, did not trigger an episode of my (insert proper terminology here). At least…not yet…knock on wood.

But alas, it’s not all gloomy news! I have discovered the awesomeness of New England in the summer and by golly it is very awesome. I love nature and the outdoors so much and here I can have the ocean and the mountains. Having a camera is great because it forces me to see the world differently and I notice lots of things I think I’d otherwise miss. I still haven’t really made it down to Boston to explore much more than the science museum and aquarium, both which were below my expectations, but I have faith that other things on my list will not disappoint. J

I must depart dear friends, but I hope that all is well and please enjoy life as much as possible. It changes more than seasons.

Joyful words

I find myself buying fortune cookies each time I go to the store. There are days that the fortune I get with each one is the only nice or positive thing I encounter all day. It's sad, isn't it? I would think that the summer up in Maine would be much more joyful, but people just seem more cranky than ever.

Family Visting.

I had forgotten how much comfort family brings. I don’t have to worry about how to act or what to say. I can simply be myself. I can make jokes and not worry about them being taken the wrong way or my words being twisted into some kind of strangeness only the listener could create. I don’t have to explain myself. I can just be and that is wonderful.

Anger Management

I have finally found the root cause of my anger. I’ll spare you my dear reader with a classic rant that would involve bad mouthing everything from New England to the Navy.
I do think it is odd how often my anger tends to get displaced onto other topics and I don’t figure out the actual root of my anger until several days later. I also think this is a major problem for a lot of people. Well, with that said, I think it’s safe to save I have resurfaced from my hole and will be updating more often. I do my best not to go on negative rants, but some times they’ll appear.

Hurricane Season

While living back home I was fascinated by hurricane season. I would research everything from past storms to how the media covered them. My obsession is comparable to that of any sports fan. I knew dates and figures and could rattle off the top of my head the name list for storms of any given year.

It was very odd and eerie now that I look back. I found such peace and tranquility in those storms. The last time I was in the hospital for an extended period of time, my family snuck in photos and articles about it. I even delayed the treaded bed time for an evening simply because I could communicate to the night shift nurse how beautiful the storm was in all of its power and glory.

I find myself now that I have actually met the ocean in a couple of places along the eastern American coastline to be less interested in hurricane season. I can imagine with more accuracy what it would be like to live through such a storm and so now the appeal is gone. I am finding myself developing a whole new kind of love for the vast waters of this planet, but it is somehow more peaceful than my before obsession.

This realization has led me to wonder if I haven’t been the only one a bit lost. How many Midwesterners really know what the ocean waters are like? Sure, a movie or a television show can bring the ocean into everyone’s living rooms so to speak, but ask anyone who has actually seen it and they will tell you it’s not the same. It’s hard to imagine low and high tides without actually witnessing them. It’s hard to understand its vast size without actually seeing it not to mention the much bigger concept of creatures living in it or how those living things are affected by pollution. In an era where people are less aware of geography how are those in power going to convince land locked people that the ocean is worth saving and/or worth investing in?

Long time no see dear friend.

I haven't updated in a very long time. I've been busy with working, which is actually now training part two. I can’t seem to get over how tiring learning something at such a fast pace can be. I’m in this very unsatisfying rut right now where I can seem to stick with anything long enough to be any good at it. I have a feeling it will only continue. Word on the grapevine is that once I finish my current training and can meet average expectations, I will yet again be trained to do something entirely different.

On the positive side, I’m never bored and to be honest, I really don’t have any good excuse to not post more. My life is most definitely anything but boring, but I tend to be a bit lazy at the moment. Forgive me, but college and all the experiences that went with it really wore me down. In addition to training for my third job since January, I am trying to grasp the married life, military life and New England all at once.

When I actually can sit down for a few minutes I tend to spend it catching up on news, both the trashy gossip variety and the actual good stuff worth chewing on. I’ve taken an interested in photography, due largely in part to my husband and a strategy game I’ve been playing the computer in skirmish mode and gradually building up some serious battle skills. As an added bonus, if while driving home I encounter morons who can’t drive, I can play a battle and blow up some aliens and the world seems well again.

I have also have had days where I’m actually at peace with the world long enough to do some serious heavy reading. I’m so incredibly thankful for that. It’s been many years since that has been the case. I keep acquiring books and now have plenty of material for my mind to digest at its leisure. However, I am beginning to think I won’t really dive into them until winter. My gut tells me that once the snows hit again, I’ll go to work and the grocery store and that’s it. I’ll just stock up on hot cocoa and read until my heart is content.

With all that said, it should be noted to those who know me best that I’m finally beginning to find peace in life. It may just simply be my soul settling into adulthood, but whatever the reason it is lovely. I know I’ve been a bit selfish and haven’t shared my life or experiences with people. Had I had it my way, my wedding would have been entirely private and my address unknown to everyone except the postman. I’m not sure the explanation for my hermit like behavior, but I do know it’s temporary. It goes against my basic core beliefs to not at least be available for people, so in due time I’ll emerge again.

Meanwhile, enjoy life.

Time Management and Hobbies.

Time is such a funny thing. I can remember going years where I would have about half an hour of free time first thing in the morning, which often was used to shower and an hour right before bedtime, and that was a good night. I went years like that. I even had a motto for a while that went something like, “Free time isn’t something you have, it’s something you make or find.”

However, I wasn’t very good at finding it. At least, not enough of it to do things I enjoyed so when people ask me about hobbies I draw up the blankest deer in headlights look imaginable. By the time I was in the middle of high school, I had so much to do that it carried over into time I normally slept.

What was I doing you may ask? Well, I often had school at seven and wouldn’t get home until four. I would have homework from four until nine almost every night, college didn’t help my situation. Even though I was in class less, I had to work close to thirty hours a week. Now, throw this on top of the fact that during all of this I was getting treated for a disease that would very much like to kill me when I’m not paying attention.

I’m pathetic, I know. I’m not even thirty and I’m just too tired for most things. Most humans I think reach the classic, “F*ck it” point when they hit retirement. For the moment, I’m already there. For the longest time, there were so many rules for everything. I wouldn’t go to bed unless everything was in its place, my homework was caught up, my social networking was caught up and errands run.

Now, my only real motivation to keep things nice and orderly on a daily basis is my husband. It’s unfortunate because it all conflicts. On one hand I have my need for freedom to let things go, not to be stressed out about the small stuff and give myself a break. Tell myself it’s okay if I don’t do laundry until the weekend or if I forget to brush my teeth before bed, not to get out of bed at midnight and brush them. It is hard working full-time and being a home maker. One the other hand, I desperately want to be a good wife. I want to create as little stress as possible for my husband, who is dealing with so much military stuff it’s a wonder he is given enough time off to sleep in his own bed, much less carry on a conversation with his wife.

And yet, since even if I was in my time management efficiency mode I know I couldn’t do everything, much less begin to ponder the idea of having a hobby. Regardless, I have basic things to do before work, which sadly won’t be enough to relieve stress from my husband when he gets home. It’s not like saying I didn’t get home until six thirty really works as an excuse for a military man. ;)

Why the bandwagon idea only works in advertising...

Why is it that when I bring up a problem or complain to someone of a higher authority, someone who could actually fix the problem, I am told that I'm not the only one who has brought this up? Why do people think this would make me feel better? If anything, it causes me to question whether I should trust them or believe they are in control of the situation. Maybe I should follow up that comment with a question like, "How many people have talked to you about this?" If the answer is more than ten, I should really worry. But, in my opinion, if it's more than one, then they're not doing their job, or they don't care, in either which case, there is something fishy that lurks there.

Happy Face

Why isn't there a children's book out there that has a character that cannot not feel anything but happy? It could have some kind of over done set up, like being allowed to have any wish and the kid wishing to be nothing but happy. The point being, why isn't the message getting out there to young people that it's okay to be human. That being happy all the time is unnatural and even robots have bad days when they brake down and need repair.

On a related note, at what point does it become immature to cry when you scrape your knee falling off a bicycle or become angry when your favorite possession brakes beyond repair? Is there some set age when such passion is considered stupid?

Yummy Yogurt.

I find myself purchasing yogurt made from the same company (same brand), often eating it once a day, some times twice or three times a day. It finally occurred to me that I wasn't doing it because I love yogurt, but rather I love looking at the bottom of the cup each time. They are made and printed at a factory my father works at. Probably about every fifth cup I eat, I'm holding something that passed through my father's hands several weeks prior. It's my way of connecting to him I guess. We were never close in the sense we'd hug every time we saw each other. He is however, despite his often brash political incorrectness, the most non-judgement person I have ever encountered in my entire life. I wish I had told him more often when I lived under the same roof as him how awesome it is to see the quality of his work every day. He's very good at what he does. Sadly, his job is being lost to over sea workers and he hasn't received any kind of a raise in several years. It probably doesn't help that he's lost most of his benefits, no health insurance for example and most of the place is now run by illegal immigrant workers. Last time I asked, and this was about a year ago, he said he was only one of two people on his shift that spoke English. No further comment.

OoooOOO Tourists!!

I was driving home for work today and saw a couple of tourists. They had pulled off the side of the highway so that they could take pictures next to the Maine state sign that welcomes people. I find it funny that they parked right in from of the "Emergency stopping only" sign. Also, they had official New England shirts and were making goofy faces in front of a camera. The sad part is that I had to really fight the urge not to pull over myself to take a picture. Not of the sign, but of the tourists. Sad, isn't it? I grew up in the state that is ranked dead last in tourism in this country and I am so very fascinated by this whole tourist concept. Is it sad, that as a local, I want to take pictures of the tourists?

Poor Rich People.

There is something very amusing about the following:

There are small roads that go through the pine forests up here in dear old Maine that are home to lovely, very expensive and old houses. The owners of which tend to own very nice sports cars or at least convertible BMWs. I can't help but find it funny that these people spend half of their year trying to get from places like the grocery store to their home in these cars through New England's winter of ice and lots of snow, driving what must be a maximum speed of fifteen miles per hour. If that wasn't enough to amuse you, then consider this: The other half of the year, the area is overflowing with tourists. These very same roads are jammed packed with people, all who drive slowly so they can have a good look at all the beautiful, expensive, old houses throughout the Maine forests. Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't make sense just to purchase a vehicle based on how comfortable the seats are? Or how well the heater and air conditioning works in the car? Isn't it just pointless to own a sports car? I would really like to know how often they actually get to drive those cars as fast as the were meant to be driven.

Black Trucks

I have often heard how mustang drivers are jerks and that women that drive mini-vans are insane, but it makes me wonder what other stereotypes are out there about the drivers of certain types of vehicles. Specifically, I want to know what is in the water that the drivers of black vehicles drink. I really would like to be enlightened by this knowledge. Every single time I've had any kind of problem driving, it has always involved a black vehicle. Often, it's a pick-up truck. If someone is riding my bumper, it's a black truck. If someone is speeding around some kind of a turn at like 50 miles per hour instead of the recommended 25, it's always a black pickup. If going 10 miles over the speed limit on a high way is just SO slow as to warrant a nice little birdie from the driver of a car that passes me after all of five minutes being "trapped" in the lane I'm in, then yes, it of course, it is the driver of a nice black truck.

Also, drivers of black trucks firmly believe that a yield sign does not apply to them, or turn signals, or of course, as mentioned earlier, speed limit suggestions. I have simply come to accept the fact that either people who purchase black vehicles are somehow a little insane in their own right or that perhaps, black vehicles contain some kind of hypnotizing device and once someone sits behind the wheel, then they succumb to some kind of mind control and an evil squirrel minion takes the wheel.

It's hard to say. I will note how surprise I was that I lost my absolutely perfectly clean driver record to a tiny, two door honda. Granted, it was black, so it may have had some evilness just by default, but oddly enough, it wasn't a truck. Thankfully, due to that small detail, our little car just has a dent, or beauty mark, and not some kind of mark of death that undoubtedly an evil black pick up would have given it. It's a shame there can't be some kind of a cheat in grand theft auto where the streets are lined with black pick up trucks so that I can take out a shot gun and blow them all away. It would make me so happy. :)

A Picture is worth a thousand words...

There are all these articles online about a teen star posing for a magazine shoot and how one of her photos is inappropriate. Often, the article complains about how she’s not old enough to be posing for photos like that. My comment is this: How many fifteen year olds in this country today are comfortable enough with their bodies, have a high enough self esteem to pose like that in front of a camera knowing full well they’d end up on countless magazines? If anything, it makes her more of a role model. Not that I’m advocating she does nude photography or anything, but, what is wrong here? Really?

Here Rabbit Rabbit

Moments seem so small sometimes. It’s not until later they mean something.

Ice Cream trucks

I cannot help but find it weird, that when we hit a high temperature of 70 degrees, they whip out the ice cream trucks. They continue to drive them around, even after that magical minute has past and it goes back to normal Maine weather of 55 degrees. Not quite warm enough to eat ice cream outside in my opinion, but maybe that's just me. :)

Annoying Ads, Annoying words.

I honestly thought that after I was married, and changed my facebook status to indicate that, I would no longer get advertisements trying to sell me stationary or diamond rings. I thought the annoying ads were over and done with. I was wrong. Now, it just displays ads trying to tell me that babies are cute and fun. I know better, they poop and puke, not much else. Sorry, yet again, facebook has let me down.

Also, why are there so many words for vomit in the English language? Do we really need words like puke, barf and hurl? Doesn't it just seem like over kill?

Pre-Wedding

I cannot believe the kindest that has been extended my direction in the last few days. There are people who I have known for only a short while who have said and meant with great sincerity how happy they are for us. I don't know why, but back home there just always seemed to be friction between me and others. However, here, out in the middle of New England, I find it so easy to be authentic. In just a matter of hours, I’m going to get married to someone I’m going to happily call my husband for the rest of my life.

Yesterday, I was very anxious and my stomach was filled with butterflies. However, after some last minute phone calls to family and friends back home and hearing AGAIN how they are honestly and truly happy for me, I am even more elated. Never in my life have things seem so right and perfect, have I ever felt so safe and loved.

Now, if only the weather gods will keep those nasty rain clouds at bay until after the wedding…

Dilbert is a wise man

I actually work somewhere now where the Dilbert principle applies. At the moment, I’m not working in a cubicle, but it well happen soon. At least, that is what they tell me. It’s hard to know if I am doing a good job and will get to move on to that and better pay because they use humiliation as a technique of maintaining morale control. They don’t want our self esteem to get to high, we might think we can do something more with our lives than file things, but they want us to be happy because we get more work done. Oh dear, I do live in a Dilbert cartoon. At what point should I be afraid?

How do you feel...

How would you feel if someone did that to you?

I would probably feel indifferent. A common question and one I heard a lot growing up. (Thank you bipolar disorder.) I’m certain that if you had me take a test where I would listen to people over the phone and then were asked how they felt I would fail miserably. I would probably get correct the ones that were happy or sad, but things like frustrated, surprised and scared would just all get mixed in my mind and just confuse me. I can’t tell you how many times people have demanded that I apologize for things I do or say because they get offended or their feelings get hurt. I always do, although it’s hard to sound sincere.

In life it’s a one way street. I don’t think anyone has ever said they were sorry or felt any kind of regret for offending me or hurting me, especially when it’s something that a “normal” person would not be bothered by. I think I really don’t care much. I just ask from time to time since our current times insists that I should. A half hearted apology has happened a few times in my life, but always only after lots of insisting and often resulting in the person never contacting me again. It’s probably just as well. If I did speak to them again, I would have to really bite my tongue to not say, “How would you feel if someone did that to you…ALL THE FREAKING TIME?”

There’s a new philosophy in town. I’m sure the care bears and the touchy feely decade of the eighties have something to do with this: I had a conversation once with my grandmother who pointed out that in the span of her life time it had changed considerably. For example, if someone lit up a cigarette and it bothered you, it was your responsibility to leave. Now, in the same situation, the person who lit up the cigarette is suppose to put it out if anyone in the room says they are offended or bothered by it. We now live in a world where you are not only responsible for yourself but everyone around you. It's as if we spend our lives tied down and hand cuffed with guns pointed to our heads so that we can't leave. If you live with someone who smokes and you develop some kind of illness because of being exposed to second hand smoke then in this day and age, it’s the smoker’s fault. No one even asks the non-smoker, “Why didn’t you leave the room when he lit up?” “Furthermore, if it really bothered you and he was a jerk about it and smoked all the time, in every room, why didn’t you just move out?”

My Response To "Do you guys still have snow?"

In short, yes:

Granted, I live along the coast, so it's not so bad. It's mainly along the back end of parking lots.

Ten miles inland people still have a couple of feet in their yards. So yes, we still have snow. We had a blizzard just last Friday. Since it is now April, we should be done with this snow business and moving on to Spring. (Crossing fingers of course.)

Pity Delaware

I remember the gold old days when a U-Haul truck had pictures on the side for each state of the union and the picture helped identify that state. For example, the New York truck would have the Statue of Liberty and the Kentucky truck has some blue grass singers. It’s been years since I’ve seen a more simple U-Haul truck. I even drive past a U-Haul rental place often and haven’t seen one in a while. Instead, they have pictures like this:

Now, for one, I do not associate the tiny state of Delaware as having big vacuum cleaner fish, nor do I really sleep well at night knowing that some poor guy’s stuff is being guarded by one. What gives? Is this some kind of weird campaign to teach people about the cool world around us? An attempt to get people to be more fascinated and care about the nature and all the things that are in it? Why not put up a picture for what Delaware is really known for? Wait, what is Delaware known for? Besides being the first state that is…

Wow, even Kansas has sunflowers. Poor Delaware, okay, maybe they can have a vacuum cleaner fish. Barooooommmmm!!!

Going Green?

There is something very wrong about a magazine doing a special issue on how important it is to save the environment. Just think, how many trees did they kill just to make the many copies of the issue?

Change is Good

Sometimes in life, you have to make big decisions. In reality, they are the same size as any other decision; they just seem bigger because you know ahead of time how much the outcome will change you.

No reason to worry. In less time than you think, you'll adapt and feel right at home again. Go for it.

Notecard with Pink Ribbon

I think that sometimes people suffer from information overload, especially when it comes to forming some kind of an identity. There are the messages you get from your family, home base or tribe. I would imagine that would be the first information one gathers in life. Then there is the public education system, peers and classmates as well as images we see from the mass media whether it would be on television, the internet, movies or those pesky magazines at the check out stand.

It’s a bit overwhelming; it’s amazing that there are even a few of us that come out sane in adulthood after being exposed to years of that. It also doesn’t help how much of a conflict results from growing up in such a culture. I live a thousand miles away from home, and yet, if my home tribe were where to tell me they were adamantly against something I was doing, I would probably change course to some degree, if not stop entirely, just because of their say so. I’ve come to accept the part of myself that is rooted in their belief system. I like to think I’ve just kept the good parts, the parts that work best for me.

I think that sometimes people just allow themselves to get overwhelmed. Yes, it’s stressful, but in a way, isn’t that the price we pay for this kind of freedom? There are definitely times in my life where I just wished a letter would show up at my house with instructions on what to do with my life. A step by step plan, tailored just for me, to be the happiest and most content I could be with myself and my life. Sadly, there are no such things, which is good, because with each new day comes with new information. I can adjust and grow as my life calls for it.

Is Adultness Upon Me

Throughout my young adult life I had to come to terms with the discrepancy that existed between who I thought I would become and who I actually was becoming. In lots of ways I wanted to think I somehow went through life with opened mindedness and good heartedness. That I was a good person and in many a fashion had hardly did no wrong. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself arrogant, just ridiculously optimist.

I’ve learned now, that regardless of whom you are and who you say you are, everyone does in fact have a belief system. Some people line their belief system up nicely with an established religious group or look to their family’s heritage to define it. I find it odd that there are people who fight this. Every atheist I have ever met does indeed have a belief system. It may not involve something called a god, but they do have a way to explain the world around them so that they go through life with some kind of peace and clarity.

I have really struggled the last few years. People always seemed egger to provide advice on to how I should view something. On one hand, it was very flattering. I know that some of those people have a great deal of difficulty share such things and it was brave of them to share them with me. However, on the other hand, such actions resulted in little patience for me. I needed to try things out, live life for a few days with a belief concept and see if it suited me.

I’m finding out that while I’m not as good hearted and opened minded as my five year old self would have liked for me to become, I like to believe that more good comes from than bad. I can make peace with that and feel I have. Granted, sometimes in order to do so, I must end my day with a mug of hot tea.

New Hampshire Beach Drive

Saturday we drove down the New Hampshire coast and checked out the area. Between the high tide and strong winds, there were no beaches. Along the main drag, Ocean Avenue, there is a nice “attractive” concrete wall that lines the road between the homes and the angry ocean beyond it. Despite the rain, we stopped on more than one occasional and I was in complete awe of its power. I completely understand now why people feel trapped living in the Midwest or the Rockies after living near something like this. Its power, it’s never ending strength. The sound of the rain was nothing compared to the sound of these forceful waves.

You look back, inland, and see all of the man made structures. Each one of them seems trivial and ugly compared to the ocean. I could not help but feel small next to her. That vast body of water has outlived everything we know or have come to know. I can remember when I was a lot younger and realizing that I drink the same water that dinosaurs have and feeling a strong sense of connection to our global community’s past, but after seeing the awesome power of an angry high tide, I’m beginning to feel it even more strongly in the current here and now. It’s very, very alive.

I keep thinking when I move to Hawaii in about a year that I will feel miserable and trapped but now I’m beginning to see that it is really not the case. My small self may be confined to the small land mass that makes up the Hawaii islands, but I’ll be anything but trapped. I may get bored. The ocean may go from being new and exciting to being very old, but spiritually, I will not be trapped.

Broken Glassware and the new Kara Collection.

There are moments where I want to drive to a store, buy a cheap box of glassware and throw it, piece by piece against something hard, just to hear each piece break into thousands of smaller pieces.

The box I would buy would represent all of the stupid, tiny, ridiculous decisions I have to worry about. All the choices I have made that have formed nice, beautiful glasses, the fact they form a matching set would illustrate my identity. Maybe I am best represented by wine glasses, maybe the glasses that are perfectly smooth and round, or maybe still, maybe my glasses are all tinted blue.

Regardless, I’d take that box and glass by glass I’d shatter them. It would be so freeing. All of my decisions keep leading me to yet another empty glass to add to my collection. At times I just want to take the whole set and smash them so I can start over without any trace of what was.

Only after they were in thousands of pieces would someone outside of me understand how much were contained in those empty glasses. They were never empty to me; they were built out of thousands of tiny decisions. Some of those decisions took me years of my life to form the courage to make.

People keep asking me why there is no wedding, why there isn’t some grand reception for people to attend, why we’re not flying back home to share the event with family. Why bother? I’d spend another several months of my life making a bunch of tiny, ridiculous decisions and form another empty glass that would be my wedding. I really don’t care if I have bridesmaids, if I have a designer cake, if I wear a white dress. To me, that’s all glassware.

I think deep down, I’m more of a mug person. I’m going to start collecting mugs. That way, they don’t have to match and if a glass slips in there, it’s fine. I’ll just say it’s there to add character. Plus, you can drink more things out of a mug such as hot tea or cocoa and in fact, most anything can be drunk out of a mug. That’s what is so great about it, no one looks at the mug, and they care more about what’s in it. It’s about damn time I cared more about what is in my decisions than what they look like.

So no, no white wedding gown. In fact, today I started dreaming about what it would be like to get married in jeans and a t-shirt. Of course, knowing me, I’d insist on wearing my Birkenstocks and its too damn cold for that. Sigh, so I guess, I’ll have to cave and buy a nice dress and some cute shoes. I’ll just consider that my first mug in the new Kara Collection.

(insert commerical with theme music here)

What's in a name?

It’s interesting how much history you can pull up just be researching your surname. Then if you look at your other names, there is so much to learn. I find myself looking at baby name websites, just because I love learning about the history that goes into the word that people then decide to name their child. They are often common everyday words that over time just sounded like a good think to call a child. Makes me wonder if in the future, people will be naming their kids words that are based on things like cancer, Ritalin, cassette, vagina or other words used in common speech that we would never think of naming a kid. Who knows, maybe some other word will evolve to be a name. Don’t believe me? Look at all the names that are a variant of some root word for “pure.” It’s kind of crazy. I find it odd that I may someday have a great (times 15) grandchild with a name like Cassette Ritaline, who goes by “Cassie” for short.

Just saying.

Pretty soon, I'll be changing my name. The small price I pay for falling maddly in love and getting married. Someday I'll need to do this whole buy a dress thing. It's on my list.

Wishing Comfort

Soft Comfort
Warmth
Happy face pancakes and bacon
Window view
Maple Syrup
Cold Milk
Smiling feet
Funny words
Soft Warm Clean Armor
Ride with Ruby
See the Blue Beauty
New Armor Getaway
Words of Wisdom
Hugging hands
Cold star brew
Bread roll
View through glass
Half sandwich and cup of soup
Warmth
Loving Comfort

Break

Ruby highway
Destination unknown
Brain stimulates
Heart growth
Tea Pop snicker
Quiet Return
Home Comfort
Consumption
Color Viewing
Hugging warmth
Comfortable Peace

Rest

Floating Islands

Yesterday we saw what I think is properly called a superior mirage. From the New Hampshire coast, we could see islands that were below the horizon line called the isles of shoals. They are about 5 miles off the coast, so normally, you wouldn’t see them. As best as I can figure, the air right above the ocean water was so cold that it resulted in this effect as seen in the image below.



And this would be an actual photo of the islands that all logic would say I should not be able to see due to the curvature of the nice planet. Yes, those are over five mile away:

New Car

Yesterday, we traded our gas guzzling, road warrior car in. It definitely had personality. While I would complain about some of its features, and when directly asked, would say, I wasn’t a fan of her, I am a little bit sad she’s gone. It was the car that my sailor drove when he picked me up at the airport, each and every time this last year. It was the car we took to the beach down in Charleston. The whole thing is so very strange. Growing up, I never cared so much when my family got a new car, even if it was a car that drove a lot. I guess it’s because I love him so much that my happiness for him oozes into things he touches. It’s kind of sad and girly, I know, but what can I say? On the other hand, it was sort of like his bachelor mobile. Now we have a pretty prius. Yes, I did say pretty. It also feels more like an “us” car. Also, the forty miles a gallon it gets isn't bad either.

Pinky

I keep telling people that I want a mini pink bulldozer or bobcat. It would live under my carport and I'd drive it around during our New Englander blizzards and help out with neighborhood snow removel. I do not believe that people fully understand how wonderful it would be to own such a vehicle up here in cold Maine so I've altered a photo for you. It's a bad photoshop job, I know this, BUT, I think it does a good job of illustrating the coolness that would be a pink roover snow scooper.

Are we really free?

I once had a roommate who spent a great deal of her time trying to convince people that she would make a good teacher. She wanted people to view her as smart, trustworthy, a good role model, understanding and fully capable of teaching children. She also wanted lots of brownie points for going into a field where people were unappreciated, underpaid and expected people to treat her as taking one for the team as it were, a martyr almost. She was full of the biggest, smelliest, most fowl type of bullshit ever created. Why you may ask? She’s a liar of the worst kind; she falsified herself and her intentions.

She didn’t want to go in to teaching with the priority of helping others, but rather to help herself. She had always had the selfish goal of ONLY helping people, only teaching in a school district that was within some short radius of her hometown. It must suck to be her. I don’t envy her at all in any way. People always assume that if you go into some kind of service position that your intentions are truly unselfish and you intend to help where you are needed. I assume that is why she falsified herself to the extreme. You can’t really call yourself a good role model when you are only interested in helping people when it’s convenient with your personal goals. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if someone told me that she refuses to interview or teach just down the highway, in some inner city school district, which would in no way help her achieve her personal goals and dreams.

I provide this personal example to illustrate that it is this pressure that leads to a public falsified self is quite common. Just look at politicians, specifically, those trying to win a presidential bid. Each one is trying to present himself (or herself) as a person for the people. That they are who we each wish we could be, have the time to be. (This reminds me of the priest character in the movie Keeping the Faith) But are they really? Maybe….

Stop and ask yourself, what does he (or she) gain? What are their goals? Why the heck can’t people just be honest? There is nothing wrong with anyone or their dreams or goals. However, there is something wrong about lying about the most basic core of you. We live in a country where we are supposed to be free, but are we? If you have to lie about your most fundamental self in order to achieve basic dreams, then are we really free?

Give me boats, fruit and angels and call it a day.

I do absolutely love how when I drive home from work I see something new everyday. There always seems to be a new boat in the harbor or some odd house I missed every other time before I went that path. Due to all the winding, narrow streets, every day can be a new adventure. If I only had a way to take photos from all the bridges in town…but alas! Come tourist season, there will be harbor cruses. How amazing! It may very well be something I do on a weekly basis. I may trade it off with other boat tours. It might akso be fun to go out a ways in the ocean and spend an afternoon watching whales.

I also have discovered the best grocery store ever! I think it may even be better than the Merc back home. Food there is expensive, but what’s new in my life? Seriously, the story of my life, where’s the money? I’m finding it hard to remain positive when I make so little money doing a job that is really quite stressful. There is by far nothing more depressing than working several hours a week, only to find by the time a pay check comes around, not having enough for life’s simple pleasures.

Regardless, I find myself sneaking over there and spending a dollar now and again just to sample the sweet luxury that is high quality food. There is just something about gourmet chips and fresh fruit that gets me going with excitement.

That reminds me of another point. If it does become the case that this country has a national health care system, is someone going to address the fact that healthy food is so expensive? I was just wondering.

Alas, life continues. Thankfully, I’ll be working fewer hours this week and in the upcoming weeks so maybe I will regain my sense of self long enough to read a good book or make some snow angels.

Re: Why don't you tell me these things?

What goes into making a decision and what kind of information do you need to make one confidently? This concept is so basic, that even personality questionnaires inquire how you go about solving programs in an effort to identify your profile. It’s often believed that a general difference is that people either rely on feelings or logic to make decisions, the whole head versus heart concept. However, there is so much more to it.

I think you reach a point in your life where you are very aware of what is expected of you. It’s surprising how many different directions a mind can be pulled. As much as I like to make fun of Sociology, that field’s concept of a role is very applicable to my point. Regardless of where you stand in life, you must fill roles and if you fail at doing so, there are consequences.

Just to provide a list for the sake of discussion, here is what I would say would be some of my roles I’m expected to fill: daughter, niece, cousin, fiancée, co-worker, neighbor, sister, role model, female, twenty-five year old, Kansan, Mainer, military spouse (soon to be), friend, assistant, servant (I work in the service industry at the moment), and probably others, but I’ve made my point. To further complicated things, each role as subcomponents.

I suppose that a person just acts and doesn’t think about himself like this, with the brake down of identity, but to do so is my auto-pilot. I have moments, sometimes several hour long moments where my emotions are just out of sync with my situation. However, these days, due to my good health, it may simply be more of an issue with circumstance. I find myself having trouble simply being myself, because for so long, whenever I was myself, I was struck down. I have found that when people say, “be yourself,” what they really mean, is “be the person I think you want to be.”

I don’t feel safe being myself, to be quite honest, except when I am completely alone, alone with my sailor (not out in public), or when I am on a vacation and take on a “to hell with you attitude,” and don’t worry about what effect I have on people. Granted, I should probably just take on this attitude in my everyday life, but if you have seen me on vacation, you know that kind of thinking won’t sit well in a structured atmosphere like a work environment. So, I function on auto-pilot sometimes. It’s how bills get paid and things get done. However, the consequence is that I suffer. If I spend too many days just acting like I should to fill a role, then I sort of loose myself and bury myself. When someone asks me something simple like what I want to do or what movie would I want to watch I just freeze. I have to take a few moments and dig inside my brain to find myself again and answer. Sometimes, it takes a while.

I guess to some degree I have never really felt accepted. It doesn’t help that I’m in Maine. My sense of humor gets lost on people, so I hold my tongue when I have something witty to say. I hate discussing politics and religion with anyone who is going to make personal insults in my direction when I do. Clearly, any one who sinks to such a low as to use that kind of tactic is a complete waste of my time and energy and since probably 99% of the population does exactly that, it’s hard for me to really speak my mind.

Not all vacations require a beach

I once saw this movie that had a great concept: “Take a vacation from you problems.” I loved it and still do. People worry too much and at times take life way to seriously. It’s also odd that people think they have to physically leave their house, neighborhood, city, heck, even state and country just to get away and relax. It’s often the case that people live some where, or close to some where that people travel to trying to accomplish the same thing.

Now, I’m no different. I often don’t care how strong or good the argument is I am convinced that I have to at least leave my house to accomplish this type of relaxation by taking a break from all that ails me. However, I am realizing that there were lots of things I missed out on where I used to live because I was closed minded and assumed that it was all boring. If you live somewhere long enough, you just assume you’ve done everything, but that’s often the furthest from the truth.

Granted, in some parts of the country, like small towns in western Kansas, there may only be so much, but if you live near a city as big as Kansas City, then you really have no room to complain. I live in a town of about nine thousand, and even if you factor out all the geographic differences like take away the ocean and the mountains, you still have community classes, events, locally owned stores and restaurants. Things come and go and there are new ones to explore. I don’t care where you live, most every where has a city part to relax in and things like kites and bubbles are widely available. Don’t be afraid to let your inner kid escape when it comes to that kind of thing. Allow yourself to take a Saturday and be a “dumb tourist” in your town. It will force you to live in the moment and you’ll see the whole place through new eyes and sleep better because of it.

What happend to religous freedom?

I find it odd that a lot of people who are decedents of people who fled to the United States for religious freedom are now denying people the vary thing their ancestors valued above all else. Think about it. Imagine a bunch of people on a very tiny boat. Imagine their collective body odor after three months of sea voyage. Imagine building a house and a life from scratch with materials and resources that were just here and possibly having no idea ahead of time of what you could work with. Some of us are descendants of people who voluntarily choose to endure such awfulness just for the freedom to believe what they wanted to. Now, their descendants are a bunch of closed minded pansy asses. If zombies come up out of the ground and start attacking people it will be because after they rolled over in their grave a few hundred times they got restless.

Proclamtion of the Obvious

There was a summer, back in my golden years of a youngster, which I spent, almost in its entirety, playing Sim City 2000 on our super Nintendo system. I rarely left the house. I was determined to build the ultimate city and somehow squeeze half a million people on my city grid. It would probably be an understatement to say that I was obsessed. I finally reached my goal on hot summer afternoon in August, just as the school year was rapidly approaching. I even recall doing a happy dance when that monumental occasion occurred. I spent the next couple of days showing my city off to my parents, my sister. I think I may have even tried to explain its awesomeness to our dogs.

I then began to build another city, partly out of boredom and partly out of habit. Playing that game had simply become what I did in my freedom and during a summer as a child, was most of my time. I had to turn over the gaming system to my younger sister, for reasons my parents could not explain to me in my satisfaction. She taunted me, she rubbed it in my face and in my angry dramatic reply of dissatisfaction I accidently saved my new, pitiful, tiny city over my fantastic mega city. It was gone forever, my entire summer’s worth of work, gone in that very instant. It was very traumatic.

I went back to school a couple weeks later and was miserable. I spent a large part of my day yearning to be outside. I stared repeatedly out of my classroom window and daydreamed of pterodactyls flying by and ripping the roof right off of my classroom so that I could absorb sunshine. At the time, I repeatedly kicked myself in the ass with guilt, telling myself how foolish I had been. How I had wasted the entire summer, but I came to realize later, that I had learned a lot from the experience.

Sadly, I also think that because of that experience I am scared to really fully commit myself to something, even a leisure type hobby. All of my good ideas and energy went into something that I don’t have anymore and even when I did, it wasn’t easily accessible. Part of that is probably because despite how much I keep trying to deny it, I want to be able to see my work and accomplishments in some fashion. I would be much happier building a table than playing a video game. I don’t want to have to turn on a piece of electronic equipment and open a file before I can be proud of my work and my life. I want it out in the open, in plain sight, so I can share my joy and happiness. I’m not suggesting I want people to ask about my work or accomplishments and I never picture it as conversation starting points. It’s just that I want my space, my appearance, my behavior, etc. to all represent me.

Besides, if you only gave the world a chance, you’d see how wonderful it is. Seriously, if you can, you should go outside and look around, cool stuff like this is out there, I promise:

I had to walk on an outdoor trail three times before I saw things this small when I was in Charleston after spending several days inside staring at a computer screen because I was afraid of the Southern heat. Some people are not meant to live indoors CONSTANTLY and I am one of them...are you?

The Circle of Life

This is probably considered a depressing entry, so if you read it to the end, you get a happy picture. :)

Having battled for many years with suicidal thinking has made me look at death differently. However, no matter how much of my life I have spent trying to come to peace with life, I still feel incredible sad when someone I can connect with on any level dies. There is so much unnecessary death. We all like to think that the timing of that irreversible event will somehow be fair and just. I often see it as being universal, one of the few things people agree on. No matter how you feel about someone you want their death to be fair, you want them to exit life at the right time. That may mean you want someone you love to live as long as possible and die peacefully while believing that someone you hate dies painfully at a young age.

When that doesn’t happen most people make peace by creating stories, some of which are probably the most beautiful ideas ever imagined by man. Sadly, deep down, we know, we hate to admit it, but we know at some point, everyone leaves and it’s not always fair. It’s nice that with current science and knowledge, a cause of death can be declared and we often find peace in that. It’s silly that the death of an actor, someone who I have never met personally, would be on the forefront of my mind so much. I cannot help it. He was only three years older than me. How scary is that? I’m young, it’s supposed to be a guarantee that I’ll wake up from my sleep and that tomorrow will for a fact happen. It brings me chills and flash backs.

I spent so long, so many nights crying myself to sleep in fear, wondering if in the middle of the night I would just sleep walk and accidently hurt myself, or worse, end my life. That’s something that is never talked about. Suicidal thinking is not just one thought, it follows you, and it takes over you and your entire life. You think about nothing else, you dream about nothing else. Every moment and ounce of energy you spend fighting for your life in great hope that one day it will all just get better. We want to believe that for you somehow magically life will return again, that you will feel safe in your own skin again.

I know it’s been widely reported, that the actor did not want to take his own life that he did not commit suicide. I also know that his cause of death has not been determined. However, the fact of the matter is he went to sleep, did not wake up and he was all of twenty-eight. What better example can life provide to illustrate the timing and situation of death can be anything but fair? However, out of all the sadness two things pop into my mind:

The actor’s final film has promotional posters with his character’s likeness with the words, “Why so serious?” I’ll leave that one for you to comprehend.

Second, I am reminded of a quote from the movie The Hours where the character Virginia Wolf explains to her young niece why she is killing one of the characters in the books she is writing. “Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more.”

By the way, everyone, regardless of their faith, should read the book of Genesis. It is beautiful. That story has so much to it and has undoubtedly stood the test of time.

So, here you have it, a happy picture of my favorite lobster and I. It's my favorite because it was a gift from my sailor. Just further proof we are two peas from the same pod. :)

Wire, Washers and Wisdom

I’ve recently decided that I’m going to start a new hobby. I had lots of reservations. Most of the revolved around the fact that for some odd reason I spent most of my childhood days competing with people for various wants and felt a pressure to be good at whatever it was I spent my time doing. It was a way for me to prove my worth to people and further convince them that I was worth investing in. I know, sad isn’t it? Regardless, it made the whole idea of starting something new, something that would probably take me years to perfect very overwhelming. However, I realized the following and now I am excited as ever at taking on a new trade:

Where does this idea come from that in life it’s too late to learn something or change something about your self? That it’s too late to go back to school or start a new career? It wasn’t that long ago that people would learn a trade and die ten or fifteen years later and that’s assuming that they even lived that long. It’s okay to start a new life at thirty, forty, and fifty and beyond. No matter what career you choose, what field you pursue, odds are very much in your favor you’ll be able to contribute to it. Why let mortality kill you before it takes your body back to the earth it came from?

Exactly.

It's okay to be bad, mad and sad.

It’s unfortunate that we live in a time and place were there is a consistent expectation to be perfectly happy all the time. Humans are not perfect and also not consistent. Yes, you can control attitude and behavior, but after that, what can you control? And if you could, should you? At what point should a person allow life to affect them, to sway them, to impress them? We often spend so much time fighting life, we often don’t just stop and appreciate the moment and accept ourselves regardless of how not perfect we are during that slice of time.

We also have stopped admitting that we dislike things or people for that matter. We’ve stopped letting people know when they do something that is below par or unacceptable. Teachers are afraid to fail students, employers afraid to fire people, there are even laws about how if you list someone as a reference they can’t even destroy your character, even if you may deserve it because while you worked for them you stole money out of the cash drawer on a daily basis.

It’s almost like we’ve lost a piece of our freedom somehow. I once had a roommate that at the time we lived together processed every single quality I disliked about people. Granted, she had additional qualities, some I liked very much and she was in mind, for the most part, a good person. It just so happened that because of where life was taking her, well, actually, where she was taking herself, I could not agree or approve of many of the decisions she was making including small ones. In hindsight, this shouldn’t have mattered. However, because I live in a world where it is somehow very evil and wrong to think, much less say anything negative about someone, my opinions caused many problems. I even had people telling me that I was wrong for disagreeing with them and thinking she was anything less than how amazing they believed her to be.

It was tough, in some cases it came down to either losing my friends or losing the very base of my belief system. My ideas of what was morally and ethically right or wrong were even brought into question. In the end, I choose my beliefs, my basic sense of self, the core of my identity, or at least what was left after other life events changed it. For some odd reason, people still think if I had the chance I would want to hurt her, which in itself is odd. Just because I disapprove or dislike does not mean I hate or disrespect it to the point I would want to hurt her just for enjoyment. It just goes to show how little people know about me. From my point of view, it sucks that I don't have any contact with her, because that means I will never have the oppertunity to form a more positive opinion of her. I just have to take my fairly negative opinion of her to my grave.

A lot of good came from the experience of living with her though. You can learn a lot from people who live a life you would hate or despise. That experience reaffirmed my confidence that my fundamental ideas of good and bad are the right ones for me to have in my life. It helped me to understand why there is so much hate, how so many people refuse to listen, take criticism for what it is, allow life to touch them and grow and change into better version of themselves. I hesitate to say better people because that would imply something I don’t mean, that only by someone becoming more like me are they good people. There is good in every person. It’s just that it saddens me that people ignore opportunities to enrich their lives simply because they refuse to listen and take other’s seriously.

Oddly enough, I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about this as well as being mad as heck that I had Queen’s bicycle song stuck in my head, which remained there, repeating itself for two hours until I feel asleep again. It was in wee hours I realized that I have never actually wrote down or made a list of the things I do not like about the human race, or qualities that have a tendency to rub me the wrong way much less what I would consider my core beliefs. I haven't listed what the qualities I most like about people. I think I’m going to add that to my list of things to do.

The Golden Chair of Kittery

Yes, it is true, it does exist, and now I have proof. Behold:

I have no idea why this is here. I have asked people and they claim they don't know either.

New Hampshire Primary

Shortly after I moved here I decided I was going to ignore the media and news about the presidential campaign temporary so that I could get a perspective that I would hope be a bit different from the national one considering the unique situation I’m in. Now, while I live in Maine and have absolutely so say in the matter, In just a short drive away, over in nearby New Hampshire, there’s a series of interesting events taking place. Every chance I get, I take the bridge that leads me through downtown Portsmouth so I have an excuse to drive very slowly and watch all the commotion.

Due to the unusual amount of heavy snowfall we’ve had up here the last month, there are still piles of the stuff in areas not cleared out, like the little corners of intersections. All of which are just covered with lawn signs for the different candidates. They all look about the same, all with a blue background and red and white lettering. If I was just visiting and didn’t know very much about the United States I’d think it was a multi-party system.

I’ve also realized how much talking the candidates are doing…to actual people, not cameras. Yeah, sure there are debates and such, but the candidates here are going out and just talking to people and ordinary people, just like you or me are listening to them. They are not sound bites; they are as close to actual people as you are going to get ever in this election. I know that there has been as lot complaints about how wrong it is for a just one state to steal the show as it were and get the glory of having the first primary election, BUT, after witnessing some of what goes on here, it may not be that bad of system after all. Granted, some tweaking may be in order, most of the people in New Hampshire are white, so I completely understand the view points of other Americans who are not mostly European and their argument that it isn’t a fair representation.

However, there are a lot of reasons why New Hampshire is a good place for the first primary. The most obvious being that it is small in size and even if a candidate had little money, it would be relatively easy to travel around, find audiences, and get his (or her) point across. It’s a more level playing field than other states in that regard. It also doesn’t seem to have a media monopoly where one station or news outlet controls all of the information and how it’s portrayed or slanted, if at all.

I do wonder what New Hampshire gets out of it besides recognition. Why would a state have a law on the books stating that their primary isn’t held on X date, but rather is held a week before any other state’s primary? So, if a state moves up the primary, then New Hampshire’s moves up automatically without the need to be slowed down by needing a state government vote of some kind? Interesting…Any one else find this odd? I haven’t been around long enough to know if it just has something to do with state pride. I know back home in Kansas, there are definitely things if some other state tried to take from us we’d fight like hell and raise a stink to back them off.

I do know that New Hampshire doesn’t seem to have a problem taking care of itself despite having no personal income or sales tax. The current governor boosts about eliminating a major budget deficient and improving a lot of state run programs like education and health services while continuing to keep personal income and sales tax at a big zero. With that being the case is it so wrong for New Hampshire to just have the first primary? As long as people in New Hampshire are happy with their state and local governments, they aren’t looking up at any of these candidates wondering how they would help only them personally, but rather how they’ll help the country as a whole. As much as you might want to think that each individual from New England walks around with a stick shoved up their butt, the people in New Hampshire know first hand what a system looks like that does more with less. In other words, gets a heck of a lot more done with a smaller government and less money.

At the end of the day, respect it for what it is, one state’s primary. And if there were a group of people who would love to see less federal taxes come out of their paycheck, it would be my neighboring New Hampshirites. They don’t mind giving money to programs, if they work. Keep in mind they still pay taxes on some things, like property for instance. If a New Hampshirite said that X government program was okay and worth the money I’d buy them a cup of coffee and listen to what they would have to say. They are trustworthy in that regard.

Now, if only someone would teach people from New Hampshire those roundabouts are not always necessary and how to use their freaking turn signals…

They ♥ Kittery, Maine

As much as I ate to admit it, homesickness did catch up to me recently. I never thought I’d miss my friends so much, and those dirty coffee shops, fresh beef, my long walks through the neighborhood, familiar restaurants, having an excuse to read and care about the journal world, knowing exactly where to go to find a nice, quiet park bench, used book stores, thrift stores, and yes, Friday nights with the family where we’d go out to eat at some cheap restaurant and sometimes sit and watch movies, talk about world events and other lively discussions. I have been longing for some sense of familiarity and being unemployed and watching bills build up in my name around me isn’t helping my sense of belonging here.

The town of Kittery hosted a welcome gathering for the men that serve aboard the recent submarine addition to the nearby shipyard. They were greeted with hugs and a scarf made by a member of the city in which the boat was named after. It wasn’t the most exciting thing on the surface. The music was provided by four people, all talented, who sang, played flute, one who knew the saxophone really well. They cycled through the same five or six songs including “Hit the Road Jack,” which seemed like an odd choice for a welcoming event. As with all small town gatherings that I have ever attended, the big finale of the event was a raffle, but the prizes were very nice.

The most amazing thing about the event was how at first people were very stand offish and hesitant to be very welcoming at first. Most small towns have their people and their routine of things, we all know how it is, and new comers can be frightening. They were happy to share information, but it wasn’t until we were there for a while that people of the town really opened up. They’d just walk up, recognizing the hand made scarf on my fiancé’s neck and just start sharing personal stories about the town, often why they moved here, what they like to do here and often ending with their favorite part about this place. It was so amazing to watch people become very trusting and open up so much with us.

It made me realize that no, I’m not in Kansas anymore, but this place is just fine and maybe at some point will seem wonderful. There are people here, actual ones, with souls and spirit including people whom when given a choice to live anywhere, could afford to live anywhere, choose to live here. My new neighbors helped ground me into a new kind of peace and almost, but not entirely, convinced me that it is possible to live on a diet that does not included beef. I had clam chowder for the first time and it was very unusual. I highly recommend NEVER eating that stuff out of can, but made fresh it’s quite good. It’s going to take me a while to get used to it and I imagine adjusting to eating lobster will be more difficult. I keep seeing them at the grocery store, alive still, and just passing time until someone takes them home and eats them. I just can’t quite picture myself bringing home a live animal and killing it in my own kitchen.

It's a small world you know...

I continue to be baffled by people who do not understand that money does not grow on trees or fall magically from the sky. If you are getting something for free or greatly discounted, odds are it’s because someone somewhere is paying for it. For example, if you have health insurance, granted, you may only pay a small amount, a co-pay, but someone is paying the rest of the bill. Most of the time it’s your employer, but in other cases, it’s taxpayers. Another example would be very cheap clothing. What do you think the person who made the shirt you are wearing is making per day or per year? Do you think he or she is making enough money to live well? Yes, it’s true, sometimes things are free or greatly discounted and it’s in the best interest of all to take advantage of it. For example, if a grocery store has overstocked on milk, they will put milk on sale to encourage people to buy it. They win because they are getting rid of excess stock that is costing them too much money then it’s worth to store it and the customer wins because he gets milk at a price that is easier on the checkbook.

Please don’t take what I’ve said to mean I’m completely against nationalizing programs like health care or have a problem with world trade or globalism. I’m just noting that it is strange to me that people do not understand how much products are interconnected and how their actions effects others, no matter how small of an impact that may have on other people, it’s still an impact.