There are moments where I want to drive to a store, buy a cheap box of glassware and throw it, piece by piece against something hard, just to hear each piece break into thousands of smaller pieces.
The box I would buy would represent all of the stupid, tiny, ridiculous decisions I have to worry about. All the choices I have made that have formed nice, beautiful glasses, the fact they form a matching set would illustrate my identity. Maybe I am best represented by wine glasses, maybe the glasses that are perfectly smooth and round, or maybe still, maybe my glasses are all tinted blue.
Regardless, I’d take that box and glass by glass I’d shatter them. It would be so freeing. All of my decisions keep leading me to yet another empty glass to add to my collection. At times I just want to take the whole set and smash them so I can start over without any trace of what was.
Only after they were in thousands of pieces would someone outside of me understand how much were contained in those empty glasses. They were never empty to me; they were built out of thousands of tiny decisions. Some of those decisions took me years of my life to form the courage to make.
People keep asking me why there is no wedding, why there isn’t some grand reception for people to attend, why we’re not flying back home to share the event with family. Why bother? I’d spend another several months of my life making a bunch of tiny, ridiculous decisions and form another empty glass that would be my wedding. I really don’t care if I have bridesmaids, if I have a designer cake, if I wear a white dress. To me, that’s all glassware.
I think deep down, I’m more of a mug person. I’m going to start collecting mugs. That way, they don’t have to match and if a glass slips in there, it’s fine. I’ll just say it’s there to add character. Plus, you can drink more things out of a mug such as hot tea or cocoa and in fact, most anything can be drunk out of a mug. That’s what is so great about it, no one looks at the mug, and they care more about what’s in it. It’s about damn time I cared more about what is in my decisions than what they look like.
So no, no white wedding gown. In fact, today I started dreaming about what it would be like to get married in jeans and a t-shirt. Of course, knowing me, I’d insist on wearing my Birkenstocks and its too damn cold for that. Sigh, so I guess, I’ll have to cave and buy a nice dress and some cute shoes. I’ll just consider that my first mug in the new Kara Collection.
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