Re: Why don't you tell me these things?

What goes into making a decision and what kind of information do you need to make one confidently? This concept is so basic, that even personality questionnaires inquire how you go about solving programs in an effort to identify your profile. It’s often believed that a general difference is that people either rely on feelings or logic to make decisions, the whole head versus heart concept. However, there is so much more to it.

I think you reach a point in your life where you are very aware of what is expected of you. It’s surprising how many different directions a mind can be pulled. As much as I like to make fun of Sociology, that field’s concept of a role is very applicable to my point. Regardless of where you stand in life, you must fill roles and if you fail at doing so, there are consequences.

Just to provide a list for the sake of discussion, here is what I would say would be some of my roles I’m expected to fill: daughter, niece, cousin, fiancée, co-worker, neighbor, sister, role model, female, twenty-five year old, Kansan, Mainer, military spouse (soon to be), friend, assistant, servant (I work in the service industry at the moment), and probably others, but I’ve made my point. To further complicated things, each role as subcomponents.

I suppose that a person just acts and doesn’t think about himself like this, with the brake down of identity, but to do so is my auto-pilot. I have moments, sometimes several hour long moments where my emotions are just out of sync with my situation. However, these days, due to my good health, it may simply be more of an issue with circumstance. I find myself having trouble simply being myself, because for so long, whenever I was myself, I was struck down. I have found that when people say, “be yourself,” what they really mean, is “be the person I think you want to be.”

I don’t feel safe being myself, to be quite honest, except when I am completely alone, alone with my sailor (not out in public), or when I am on a vacation and take on a “to hell with you attitude,” and don’t worry about what effect I have on people. Granted, I should probably just take on this attitude in my everyday life, but if you have seen me on vacation, you know that kind of thinking won’t sit well in a structured atmosphere like a work environment. So, I function on auto-pilot sometimes. It’s how bills get paid and things get done. However, the consequence is that I suffer. If I spend too many days just acting like I should to fill a role, then I sort of loose myself and bury myself. When someone asks me something simple like what I want to do or what movie would I want to watch I just freeze. I have to take a few moments and dig inside my brain to find myself again and answer. Sometimes, it takes a while.

I guess to some degree I have never really felt accepted. It doesn’t help that I’m in Maine. My sense of humor gets lost on people, so I hold my tongue when I have something witty to say. I hate discussing politics and religion with anyone who is going to make personal insults in my direction when I do. Clearly, any one who sinks to such a low as to use that kind of tactic is a complete waste of my time and energy and since probably 99% of the population does exactly that, it’s hard for me to really speak my mind.