Notes From the Life and Mind of Kara

New Blog

2009-01-12T18:42:00.001-05:00

http://lostkansan.blogspot.com

Thank you, but no thank you to lobsters and clams.

2008-10-03T06:14:00.001-04:00

Is it a bad sign I went to the dentist and now have six cavities? I can’t help but wonder if I can add this to kidney stones and conclude that I was not meant for New England cuisine. I don't think that lobsters will mind if I stop eating them, I know it will make the sea gulls happy. Why are those bloody birds so vicious?

Just saying...

2008-10-03T06:11:00.002-04:00

If you want to know how bad something is doing, find your idealists, if they are worried, you've got a real problem.

Talkie Talkie

2008-09-25T05:53:00.002-04:00

I have never been one to ignore people but for very complicated reasons I isolated myself from people related in some fashion to my husband’s work. In most situations, such a choice would in no way be bad, but since my husband is in the military it had consequences. My last entry involved me ranking for a while about them and their lack of communication. Since that post I’ve come to realize that in the same way that any school is different or any company, the same can be said for different groups within the military, like say the crewmen aboard any given submarine. They each have their own personality as it were.

You’d be amazed at how much insight you loose when you don’t communicate with someone, or in my case, several people for a while. I was taken back by how many negative feelings were just simply tied into the distance and much less into any kind of anger or resentment or disrespect. People can change a hell of a lot, but in some odd way, they don’t really. Part of me wants to say that a person’s personality doesn’t change, but that doesn’t seem correct. I’m not sure, just that it’s silly to be afraid of people simply because you haven’t spoken in a while.

Oddly enough, the same day that I was figuring all this out in my own life I had to deal with this at a completely different angle. Why the heck someone bothers me up here in dear old Maine to ask me how someone is doing is beyond me really, but I guess curiosity always did kill cats at least. I wish I could say that I don’t ever allow my life to influence what I have to say to someone to too much of a degree, but it’s a dangerous land if someone asks me for advice. If it’s someone I know well, encounter frequently, then it’s easy to tailer my advice to their life, but when they are hundreds if not thousands of miles a way, well, lets just say my bag of ideas becomes limited.

It is definitely one of the great downfalls to internet and text messaging. The words can cover that much distance, but the rest has to be filled in by the person reading it. I think in the same way we are drawn to car crashes and burning houses we are drawn towards ideas of dramatic conspiracies. People read words from someone they haven’t spoken to in a while and they fill in the gaps with what they want and don’t take the time to step back and view the communication from some other angle then the way it was initially received. And forget people following up such things with a phone call. Believe me, I do all the time and people rarely return them.

So yes, that is where it stands, I’m not crazy and nor is anyone else. I know, it’s a lame point to a long blog entry, but sometimes I wish for every election sign there was one saying that, then maybe people would begin to believe. Well, okay, there is that one lady from Alaska who seems to think that despite not even knowing where most countries in the world are on a map, she seems to think we should trust her with running the place.

Hopefully, she’ll never have to make a decision on where to send an atomic bomb, she might end up bombing Beijing instead of North Korea and that would be a shame. They just make the place all pretty like with the Olympics and all. But hey, if people really think that the biggest problem facing this country is the Roe versus Wade decision of thirty years ago and not something like education, health care or the economy, then by all means vote for a couple of people who care about your right to let other people choose for you. After all, you have more important things to do and worry about, right?

Send in the clowns...

2008-09-19T06:01:00.002-04:00

Why is it such a hard concept for people to grasp that I can only form conclusions with the information I have? Furthermore, if I cannot draw a conclusion that makes sense or at least enough sense so that I can sleep well, then I’m going to ask questions. People seem to question how much I care, if you care, if you truly love, and then you’ll fight to understand. To simply blindly trust anything is very risky and nerve racking and I am one who cannot function for too long without being able to at least trust the important influencers in my life.

I know it’s horrible, but I’m beginning to believe that someone’s behavior away from work does indeed impact their job. I’m also beginning to believe that the longer hours somehow works, the more likely their “true selves” will surface. I’m getting really tired of people just telling me to suck it up and deal with it. It scares me to wits end when people who will be either in charge of my husband’s life and safety or those assisting him have the intelligence of a small mouse, can’t even do something as simple as train new crew members in a timely fashion, discipline those who clearly are self centered pricks and have no concept that their behavior has consequences on those around them and communicate and/or educate those of us on the outside why after such mockery they should be trusted at all.

I guess it’s not enough I can’t sleep at night and wake up to nightmares and am getting increasingly sick. No one gives a damn, I’m just a stupid civilian asking too many questions and apparently it’s stupid to want to trust the military. Even on a basic level of, I’m an American tax payer does this entire circus show irritate me. If congress wasn’t such a mess, I’d attempt to pull a shawshank letter write fest and hope that after a couple of years, someone would finally get the message. Knowing my luck, they won’t and even if they did, it would be too late. They’ll probably have me drugged to the point of stupidity by then so I really will be dumb and happy. They’ll argue some crap like how it’s in the best interest of the whole lot for me to just shut up and if I don’t voluntarily, then they’ll do what’s necessary so I will. I’ll have no choice; I’ll just deal with it. It’s not like I haven’t been transformed into a drug zombie before so people who are by far more important than me could feel better.

Freedom

2008-08-29T19:13:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think people hear the world freedom and think that word and its related concept means just one all encompassing thing. In reality, there are actually several freedoms and sometimes people can pick and choose which one they want. Maybe a better way to look at it is the use the world luxury. America was founded on an idea that each individual not only could, but had a right to, pursue happiness. That idea doesn’t exist and is at this point unrealistic. Who gets to define this happiness? What about the people who are only happy when using an illegal drug or murdering people? Those people do not have the right to pursue happiness. As a country, that was decided. At an extreme, it can be easy, but it’s the middle ground, the gray area that gets people.

I’m watching again the series band of brothers. I don’t know why exactly, but it reminded me of the choices I have made to obtain the little freedoms I have now, or rather, the luxuries I have now. I have the freedom to do so many things. I imagine many people may take them for grated. When I have a bad day, I remind myself I made a choice and because of that choice I have the freedom to do things like choose what food I keep in my kitchen that I share with my husband. I have mornings I skip through songs on my way to work, not listening to any one in its entirety. I have the freedom to do that and it’s wonderful. I don’t know why I didn’t see it this way before. It makes it so much easier to find peace with it all. I conformed, and in return I can go outside for long walks and eat my lunch in the sunshine. The list is so long it will keep me busy for the rest of my life.

Life is good, Life is great, Life is unbelievable...

2008-08-27T21:30:00.000-04:00

Wow. It’s been a long time. I know, I’m turning into one of those people who claim they don’t have time to do things, but in actually just suck at time management. I hate those people; I need to stop becoming one! Anyway, as usual, my life is anything but boring. I think if I actually had a normal, boring day or week or whatever, my soul may shrink a little.

Being married to the navy is definitely interesting. I moved up here thinking that I could count on the other families attached to the same boat as my husband, but boy was I wrong! It’s a real shame too. I wanted to view them as a kind of extended family, but sadly, events have made that ever so impossible. It’s on one hand, and quite possible half of the other, my fault. I simply lack the maturity to deal with a lot of the drama.

Basically, in short, I believe my husband is getting shafted by the navy and its accompanying politics while other members of the same boat are getting rewarded despite bad attitudes and poor conduct. I’m sure everyone has their complaints, but he has every reason to come home, open a window and cry out: “I’m mad as hell and I can’t take it any more.” However, he keeps going like an energizer battery and gives life lots of passion each and every day. I have no idea how he comes home from work and still smiles. If I had to be at work by 6am Wednesday and didn’t return home until 4pm Thursday only to go back and work 6pm to 8pm that very evening, I think I would invest in a punching bag at least.

On top of that kind of work ethic, he also doesn’t complain or bad mouth people. I know that what I just said should be a given, but you’d be surprise in this whole navy world I’m in. One would think they navy would reward such good behavior, and they may from time to time, but for some odd reason, at the same time, the government acts like it doesn’t have to honor contracts. Strangely enough, I’m getting shafted in the same way in my work world. Funny, isn’t it?

I am (or was) under a five month contract, which expired recently, and yet I can still show up to work and get paid. Oddly, somewhere, someone knows what’s going on with that, I hope they don’t fire me. Hopefully, a couple of elves got together in a back room and signed me on for five more months. However, maybe the fact I am not suppose to go from a temp contract to permanency without fulfilling training and getting up to speed on production requirements is what is slowing things. I guess that would mean I would actually have to stay at a job long enough to complete training. Now, I’m in a ten week training and right after I complete that, the company will be under the control of new owners which will probably have their own rules for this kind of thing. Meanwhile, I’m pondering why I was moved from a job where I could actually apply my degree to a department that just simply needs half way intelligent people. Maybe I should investigate if the company is owned by squirrels or moose.

Oh yes, and just because god has a sense of humor, as of last week I developed a nice lovely rash that will last any where from six weeks to six months that feels like I hugged an upset porcupine. It has no know cause or cure so I’m sitting through training while trying to ignore the fact I’m pumped up with Benadryl and Claritin. Surprisingly enough, the lack of sleep caused by the itching, did not trigger an episode of my (insert proper terminology here). At least…not yet…knock on wood.

But alas, it’s not all gloomy news! I have discovered the awesomeness of New England in the summer and by golly it is very awesome. I love nature and the outdoors so much and here I can have the ocean and the mountains. Having a camera is great because it forces me to see the world differently and I notice lots of things I think I’d otherwise miss. I still haven’t really made it down to Boston to explore much more than the science museum and aquarium, both which were below my expectations, but I have faith that other things on my list will not disappoint. J

I must depart dear friends, but I hope that all is well and please enjoy life as much as possible. It changes more than seasons.

Joyful words

2008-08-12T06:02:00.000-04:00

I find myself buying fortune cookies each time I go to the store. There are days that the fortune I get with each one is the only nice or positive thing I encounter all day. It's sad, isn't it? I would think that the summer up in Maine would be much more joyful, but people just seem more cranky than ever.

Family Visting.

2008-08-06T20:14:00.001-04:00

I had forgotten how much comfort family brings. I don’t have to worry about how to act or what to say. I can simply be myself. I can make jokes and not worry about them being taken the wrong way or my words being twisted into some kind of strangeness only the listener could create. I don’t have to explain myself. I can just be and that is wonderful.

Anger Management

2008-07-15T19:58:00.000-04:00

I have finally found the root cause of my anger. I’ll spare you my dear reader with a classic rant that would involve bad mouthing everything from New England to the Navy.
I do think it is odd how often my anger tends to get displaced onto other topics and I don’t figure out the actual root of my anger until several days later. I also think this is a major problem for a lot of people. Well, with that said, I think it’s safe to save I have resurfaced from my hole and will be updating more often. I do my best not to go on negative rants, but some times they’ll appear.

Hurricane Season

2008-07-15T19:37:00.001-04:00

While living back home I was fascinated by hurricane season. I would research everything from past storms to how the media covered them. My obsession is comparable to that of any sports fan. I knew dates and figures and could rattle off the top of my head the name list for storms of any given year.

It was very odd and eerie now that I look back. I found such peace and tranquility in those storms. The last time I was in the hospital for an extended period of time, my family snuck in photos and articles about it. I even delayed the treaded bed time for an evening simply because I could communicate to the night shift nurse how beautiful the storm was in all of its power and glory.

I find myself now that I have actually met the ocean in a couple of places along the eastern American coastline to be less interested in hurricane season. I can imagine with more accuracy what it would be like to live through such a storm and so now the appeal is gone. I am finding myself developing a whole new kind of love for the vast waters of this planet, but it is somehow more peaceful than my before obsession.

This realization has led me to wonder if I haven’t been the only one a bit lost. How many Midwesterners really know what the ocean waters are like? Sure, a movie or a television show can bring the ocean into everyone’s living rooms so to speak, but ask anyone who has actually seen it and they will tell you it’s not the same. It’s hard to imagine low and high tides without actually witnessing them. It’s hard to understand its vast size without actually seeing it not to mention the much bigger concept of creatures living in it or how those living things are affected by pollution. In an era where people are less aware of geography how are those in power going to convince land locked people that the ocean is worth saving and/or worth investing in?

Long time no see dear friend.

2008-06-29T20:55:00.004-04:00

I haven't updated in a very long time. I've been busy with working, which is actually now training part two. I can’t seem to get over how tiring learning something at such a fast pace can be. I’m in this very unsatisfying rut right now where I can seem to stick with anything long enough to be any good at it. I have a feeling it will only continue. Word on the grapevine is that once I finish my current training and can meet average expectations, I will yet again be trained to do something entirely different.

On the positive side, I’m never bored and to be honest, I really don’t have any good excuse to not post more. My life is most definitely anything but boring, but I tend to be a bit lazy at the moment. Forgive me, but college and all the experiences that went with it really wore me down. In addition to training for my third job since January, I am trying to grasp the married life, military life and New England all at once.

When I actually can sit down for a few minutes I tend to spend it catching up on news, both the trashy gossip variety and the actual good stuff worth chewing on. I’ve taken an interested in photography, due largely in part to my husband and a strategy game I’ve been playing the computer in skirmish mode and gradually building up some serious battle skills. As an added bonus, if while driving home I encounter morons who can’t drive, I can play a battle and blow up some aliens and the world seems well again.

I have also have had days where I’m actually at peace with the world long enough to do some serious heavy reading. I’m so incredibly thankful for that. It’s been many years since that has been the case. I keep acquiring books and now have plenty of material for my mind to digest at its leisure. However, I am beginning to think I won’t really dive into them until winter. My gut tells me that once the snows hit again, I’ll go to work and the grocery store and that’s it. I’ll just stock up on hot cocoa and read until my heart is content.

With all that said, it should be noted to those who know me best that I’m finally beginning to find peace in life. It may just simply be my soul settling into adulthood, but whatever the reason it is lovely. I know I’ve been a bit selfish and haven’t shared my life or experiences with people. Had I had it my way, my wedding would have been entirely private and my address unknown to everyone except the postman. I’m not sure the explanation for my hermit like behavior, but I do know it’s temporary. It goes against my basic core beliefs to not at least be available for people, so in due time I’ll emerge again.

Meanwhile, enjoy life.

Time Management and Hobbies.

2008-06-19T05:31:00.000-04:00

Time is such a funny thing. I can remember going years where I would have about half an hour of free time first thing in the morning, which often was used to shower and an hour right before bedtime, and that was a good night. I went years like that. I even had a motto for a while that went something like, “Free time isn’t something you have, it’s something you make or find.”

However, I wasn’t very good at finding it. At least, not enough of it to do things I enjoyed so when people ask me about hobbies I draw up the blankest deer in headlights look imaginable. By the time I was in the middle of high school, I had so much to do that it carried over into time I normally slept.

What was I doing you may ask? Well, I often had school at seven and wouldn’t get home until four. I would have homework from four until nine almost every night, college didn’t help my situation. Even though I was in class less, I had to work close to thirty hours a week. Now, throw this on top of the fact that during all of this I was getting treated for a disease that would very much like to kill me when I’m not paying attention.

I’m pathetic, I know. I’m not even thirty and I’m just too tired for most things. Most humans I think reach the classic, “F*ck it” point when they hit retirement. For the moment, I’m already there. For the longest time, there were so many rules for everything. I wouldn’t go to bed unless everything was in its place, my homework was caught up, my social networking was caught up and errands run.

Now, my only real motivation to keep things nice and orderly on a daily basis is my husband. It’s unfortunate because it all conflicts. On one hand I have my need for freedom to let things go, not to be stressed out about the small stuff and give myself a break. Tell myself it’s okay if I don’t do laundry until the weekend or if I forget to brush my teeth before bed, not to get out of bed at midnight and brush them. It is hard working full-time and being a home maker. One the other hand, I desperately want to be a good wife. I want to create as little stress as possible for my husband, who is dealing with so much military stuff it’s a wonder he is given enough time off to sleep in his own bed, much less carry on a conversation with his wife.

And yet, since even if I was in my time management efficiency mode I know I couldn’t do everything, much less begin to ponder the idea of having a hobby. Regardless, I have basic things to do before work, which sadly won’t be enough to relieve stress from my husband when he gets home. It’s not like saying I didn’t get home until six thirty really works as an excuse for a military man. ;)

Why the bandwagon idea only works in advertising...

2008-06-16T05:21:00.002-04:00

Why is it that when I bring up a problem or complain to someone of a higher authority, someone who could actually fix the problem, I am told that I'm not the only one who has brought this up? Why do people think this would make me feel better? If anything, it causes me to question whether I should trust them or believe they are in control of the situation. Maybe I should follow up that comment with a question like, "How many people have talked to you about this?" If the answer is more than ten, I should really worry. But, in my opinion, if it's more than one, then they're not doing their job, or they don't care, in either which case, there is something fishy that lurks there.

Happy Face

2008-05-28T19:32:00.003-04:00

Why isn't there a children's book out there that has a character that cannot not feel anything but happy? It could have some kind of over done set up, like being allowed to have any wish and the kid wishing to be nothing but happy. The point being, why isn't the message getting out there to young people that it's okay to be human. That being happy all the time is unnatural and even robots have bad days when they brake down and need repair.

On a related note, at what point does it become immature to cry when you scrape your knee falling off a bicycle or become angry when your favorite possession brakes beyond repair? Is there some set age when such passion is considered stupid?

Yummy Yogurt.

2008-05-24T21:01:00.003-04:00

I find myself purchasing yogurt made from the same company (same brand), often eating it once a day, some times twice or three times a day. It finally occurred to me that I wasn't doing it because I love yogurt, but rather I love looking at the bottom of the cup each time. They are made and printed at a factory my father works at. Probably about every fifth cup I eat, I'm holding something that passed through my father's hands several weeks prior. It's my way of connecting to him I guess. We were never close in the sense we'd hug every time we saw each other. He is however, despite his often brash political incorrectness, the most non-judgement person I have ever encountered in my entire life. I wish I had told him more often when I lived under the same roof as him how awesome it is to see the quality of his work every day. He's very good at what he does. Sadly, his job is being lost to over sea workers and he hasn't received any kind of a raise in several years. It probably doesn't help that he's lost most of his benefits, no health insurance for example and most of the place is now run by illegal immigrant workers. Last time I asked, and this was about a year ago, he said he was only one of two people on his shift that spoke English. No further comment.

OoooOOO Tourists!!

2008-05-15T17:45:00.002-04:00

I was driving home for work today and saw a couple of tourists. They had pulled off the side of the highway so that they could take pictures next to the Maine state sign that welcomes people. I find it funny that they parked right in from of the "Emergency stopping only" sign. Also, they had official New England shirts and were making goofy faces in front of a camera. The sad part is that I had to really fight the urge not to pull over myself to take a picture. Not of the sign, but of the tourists. Sad, isn't it? I grew up in the state that is ranked dead last in tourism in this country and I am so very fascinated by this whole tourist concept. Is it sad, that as a local, I want to take pictures of the tourists?

Poor Rich People.

2008-05-15T06:01:00.002-04:00

There is something very amusing about the following:

There are small roads that go through the pine forests up here in dear old Maine that are home to lovely, very expensive and old houses. The owners of which tend to own very nice sports cars or at least convertible BMWs. I can't help but find it funny that these people spend half of their year trying to get from places like the grocery store to their home in these cars through New England's winter of ice and lots of snow, driving what must be a maximum speed of fifteen miles per hour. If that wasn't enough to amuse you, then consider this: The other half of the year, the area is overflowing with tourists. These very same roads are jammed packed with people, all who drive slowly so they can have a good look at all the beautiful, expensive, old houses throughout the Maine forests. Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't make sense just to purchase a vehicle based on how comfortable the seats are? Or how well the heater and air conditioning works in the car? Isn't it just pointless to own a sports car? I would really like to know how often they actually get to drive those cars as fast as the were meant to be driven.

Black Trucks

2008-05-06T20:21:00.003-04:00

I have often heard how mustang drivers are jerks and that women that drive mini-vans are insane, but it makes me wonder what other stereotypes are out there about the drivers of certain types of vehicles. Specifically, I want to know what is in the water that the drivers of black vehicles drink. I really would like to be enlightened by this knowledge. Every single time I've had any kind of problem driving, it has always involved a black vehicle. Often, it's a pick-up truck. If someone is riding my bumper, it's a black truck. If someone is speeding around some kind of a turn at like 50 miles per hour instead of the recommended 25, it's always a black pickup. If going 10 miles over the speed limit on a high way is just SO slow as to warrant a nice little birdie from the driver of a car that passes me after all of five minutes being "trapped" in the lane I'm in, then yes, it of course, it is the driver of a nice black truck.

Also, drivers of black trucks firmly believe that a yield sign does not apply to them, or turn signals, or of course, as mentioned earlier, speed limit suggestions. I have simply come to accept the fact that either people who purchase black vehicles are somehow a little insane in their own right or that perhaps, black vehicles contain some kind of hypnotizing device and once someone sits behind the wheel, then they succumb to some kind of mind control and an evil squirrel minion takes the wheel.

It's hard to say. I will note how surprise I was that I lost my absolutely perfectly clean driver record to a tiny, two door honda. Granted, it was black, so it may have had some evilness just by default, but oddly enough, it wasn't a truck. Thankfully, due to that small detail, our little car just has a dent, or beauty mark, and not some kind of mark of death that undoubtedly an evil black pick up would have given it. It's a shame there can't be some kind of a cheat in grand theft auto where the streets are lined with black pick up trucks so that I can take out a shot gun and blow them all away. It would make me so happy. :)

A Picture is worth a thousand words...

2008-04-29T05:25:00.001-04:00

There are all these articles online about a teen star posing for a magazine shoot and how one of her photos is inappropriate. Often, the article complains about how she’s not old enough to be posing for photos like that. My comment is this: How many fifteen year olds in this country today are comfortable enough with their bodies, have a high enough self esteem to pose like that in front of a camera knowing full well they’d end up on countless magazines? If anything, it makes her more of a role model. Not that I’m advocating she does nude photography or anything, but, what is wrong here? Really?

Here Rabbit Rabbit

2008-04-19T22:51:00.001-04:00

Moments seem so small sometimes. It’s not until later they mean something.

Ice Cream trucks

2008-04-18T19:29:00.001-04:00

I cannot help but find it weird, that when we hit a high temperature of 70 degrees, they whip out the ice cream trucks. They continue to drive them around, even after that magical minute has past and it goes back to normal Maine weather of 55 degrees. Not quite warm enough to eat ice cream outside in my opinion, but maybe that's just me. :)

Annoying Ads, Annoying words.

2008-04-14T16:35:00.003-04:00

I honestly thought that after I was married, and changed my facebook status to indicate that, I would no longer get advertisements trying to sell me stationary or diamond rings. I thought the annoying ads were over and done with. I was wrong. Now, it just displays ads trying to tell me that babies are cute and fun. I know better, they poop and puke, not much else. Sorry, yet again, facebook has let me down.

Also, why are there so many words for vomit in the English language? Do we really need words like puke, barf and hurl? Doesn't it just seem like over kill?

Pre-Wedding

2008-04-11T06:12:00.003-04:00

I cannot believe the kindest that has been extended my direction in the last few days. There are people who I have known for only a short while who have said and meant with great sincerity how happy they are for us. I don't know why, but back home there just always seemed to be friction between me and others. However, here, out in the middle of New England, I find it so easy to be authentic. In just a matter of hours, I’m going to get married to someone I’m going to happily call my husband for the rest of my life.

Yesterday, I was very anxious and my stomach was filled with butterflies. However, after some last minute phone calls to family and friends back home and hearing AGAIN how they are honestly and truly happy for me, I am even more elated. Never in my life have things seem so right and perfect, have I ever felt so safe and loved.

Now, if only the weather gods will keep those nasty rain clouds at bay until after the wedding…

Dilbert is a wise man

2008-04-05T08:10:00.001-04:00

I actually work somewhere now where the Dilbert principle applies. At the moment, I’m not working in a cubicle, but it well happen soon. At least, that is what they tell me. It’s hard to know if I am doing a good job and will get to move on to that and better pay because they use humiliation as a technique of maintaining morale control. They don’t want our self esteem to get to high, we might think we can do something more with our lives than file things, but they want us to be happy because we get more work done. Oh dear, I do live in a Dilbert cartoon. At what point should I be afraid?

How do you feel...

2008-04-02T05:39:00.001-04:00

How would you feel if someone did that to you?

I would probably feel indifferent. A common question and one I heard a lot growing up. (Thank you bipolar disorder.) I’m certain that if you had me take a test where I would listen to people over the phone and then were asked how they felt I would fail miserably. I would probably get correct the ones that were happy or sad, but things like frustrated, surprised and scared would just all get mixed in my mind and just confuse me. I can’t tell you how many times people have demanded that I apologize for things I do or say because they get offended or their feelings get hurt. I always do, although it’s hard to sound sincere.

In life it’s a one way street. I don’t think anyone has ever said they were sorry or felt any kind of regret for offending me or hurting me, especially when it’s something that a “normal” person would not be bothered by. I think I really don’t care much. I just ask from time to time since our current times insists that I should. A half hearted apology has happened a few times in my life, but always only after lots of insisting and often resulting in the person never contacting me again. It’s probably just as well. If I did speak to them again, I would have to really bite my tongue to not say, “How would you feel if someone did that to you…ALL THE FREAKING TIME?”

There’s a new philosophy in town. I’m sure the care bears and the touchy feely decade of the eighties have something to do with this: I had a conversation once with my grandmother who pointed out that in the span of her life time it had changed considerably. For example, if someone lit up a cigarette and it bothered you, it was your responsibility to leave. Now, in the same situation, the person who lit up the cigarette is suppose to put it out if anyone in the room says they are offended or bothered by it. We now live in a world where you are not only responsible for yourself but everyone around you. It's as if we spend our lives tied down and hand cuffed with guns pointed to our heads so that we can't leave. If you live with someone who smokes and you develop some kind of illness because of being exposed to second hand smoke then in this day and age, it’s the smoker’s fault. No one even asks the non-smoker, “Why didn’t you leave the room when he lit up?” “Furthermore, if it really bothered you and he was a jerk about it and smoked all the time, in every room, why didn’t you just move out?”

My Response To "Do you guys still have snow?"

2008-04-01T20:57:00.003-04:00

In short, yes:

Granted, I live along the coast, so it's not so bad. It's mainly along the back end of parking lots.

Ten miles inland people still have a couple of feet in their yards. So yes, we still have snow. We had a blizzard just last Friday. Since it is now April, we should be done with this snow business and moving on to Spring. (Crossing fingers of course.)

Pity Delaware

2008-03-29T14:05:00.003-04:00

I remember the gold old days when a U-Haul truck had pictures on the side for each state of the union and the picture helped identify that state. For example, the New York truck would have the Statue of Liberty and the Kentucky truck has some blue grass singers. It’s been years since I’ve seen a more simple U-Haul truck. I even drive past a U-Haul rental place often and haven’t seen one in a while. Instead, they have pictures like this:

Now, for one, I do not associate the tiny state of Delaware as having big vacuum cleaner fish, nor do I really sleep well at night knowing that some poor guy’s stuff is being guarded by one. What gives? Is this some kind of weird campaign to teach people about the cool world around us? An attempt to get people to be more fascinated and care about the nature and all the things that are in it? Why not put up a picture for what Delaware is really known for? Wait, what is Delaware known for? Besides being the first state that is…

Wow, even Kansas has sunflowers. Poor Delaware, okay, maybe they can have a vacuum cleaner fish. Barooooommmmm!!!

Going Green?

2008-03-29T07:12:00.001-04:00

There is something very wrong about a magazine doing a special issue on how important it is to save the environment. Just think, how many trees did they kill just to make the many copies of the issue?

Change is Good

2008-03-21T05:32:00.002-04:00

Sometimes in life, you have to make big decisions. In reality, they are the same size as any other decision; they just seem bigger because you know ahead of time how much the outcome will change you.

No reason to worry. In less time than you think, you'll adapt and feel right at home again. Go for it.

Notecard with Pink Ribbon

2008-03-18T09:12:00.001-04:00

I think that sometimes people suffer from information overload, especially when it comes to forming some kind of an identity. There are the messages you get from your family, home base or tribe. I would imagine that would be the first information one gathers in life. Then there is the public education system, peers and classmates as well as images we see from the mass media whether it would be on television, the internet, movies or those pesky magazines at the check out stand.

It’s a bit overwhelming; it’s amazing that there are even a few of us that come out sane in adulthood after being exposed to years of that. It also doesn’t help how much of a conflict results from growing up in such a culture. I live a thousand miles away from home, and yet, if my home tribe were where to tell me they were adamantly against something I was doing, I would probably change course to some degree, if not stop entirely, just because of their say so. I’ve come to accept the part of myself that is rooted in their belief system. I like to think I’ve just kept the good parts, the parts that work best for me.

I think that sometimes people just allow themselves to get overwhelmed. Yes, it’s stressful, but in a way, isn’t that the price we pay for this kind of freedom? There are definitely times in my life where I just wished a letter would show up at my house with instructions on what to do with my life. A step by step plan, tailored just for me, to be the happiest and most content I could be with myself and my life. Sadly, there are no such things, which is good, because with each new day comes with new information. I can adjust and grow as my life calls for it.

Is Adultness Upon Me

2008-03-15T08:57:00.001-04:00

Throughout my young adult life I had to come to terms with the discrepancy that existed between who I thought I would become and who I actually was becoming. In lots of ways I wanted to think I somehow went through life with opened mindedness and good heartedness. That I was a good person and in many a fashion had hardly did no wrong. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself arrogant, just ridiculously optimist.

I’ve learned now, that regardless of whom you are and who you say you are, everyone does in fact have a belief system. Some people line their belief system up nicely with an established religious group or look to their family’s heritage to define it. I find it odd that there are people who fight this. Every atheist I have ever met does indeed have a belief system. It may not involve something called a god, but they do have a way to explain the world around them so that they go through life with some kind of peace and clarity.

I have really struggled the last few years. People always seemed egger to provide advice on to how I should view something. On one hand, it was very flattering. I know that some of those people have a great deal of difficulty share such things and it was brave of them to share them with me. However, on the other hand, such actions resulted in little patience for me. I needed to try things out, live life for a few days with a belief concept and see if it suited me.

I’m finding out that while I’m not as good hearted and opened minded as my five year old self would have liked for me to become, I like to believe that more good comes from than bad. I can make peace with that and feel I have. Granted, sometimes in order to do so, I must end my day with a mug of hot tea.

New Hampshire Beach Drive

2008-03-10T07:59:00.000-04:00

Saturday we drove down the New Hampshire coast and checked out the area. Between the high tide and strong winds, there were no beaches. Along the main drag, Ocean Avenue, there is a nice “attractive” concrete wall that lines the road between the homes and the angry ocean beyond it. Despite the rain, we stopped on more than one occasional and I was in complete awe of its power. I completely understand now why people feel trapped living in the Midwest or the Rockies after living near something like this. Its power, it’s never ending strength. The sound of the rain was nothing compared to the sound of these forceful waves.

You look back, inland, and see all of the man made structures. Each one of them seems trivial and ugly compared to the ocean. I could not help but feel small next to her. That vast body of water has outlived everything we know or have come to know. I can remember when I was a lot younger and realizing that I drink the same water that dinosaurs have and feeling a strong sense of connection to our global community’s past, but after seeing the awesome power of an angry high tide, I’m beginning to feel it even more strongly in the current here and now. It’s very, very alive.

I keep thinking when I move to Hawaii in about a year that I will feel miserable and trapped but now I’m beginning to see that it is really not the case. My small self may be confined to the small land mass that makes up the Hawaii islands, but I’ll be anything but trapped. I may get bored. The ocean may go from being new and exciting to being very old, but spiritually, I will not be trapped.

Broken Glassware and the new Kara Collection.

2008-02-28T20:00:00.003-05:00

There are moments where I want to drive to a store, buy a cheap box of glassware and throw it, piece by piece against something hard, just to hear each piece break into thousands of smaller pieces.

The box I would buy would represent all of the stupid, tiny, ridiculous decisions I have to worry about. All the choices I have made that have formed nice, beautiful glasses, the fact they form a matching set would illustrate my identity. Maybe I am best represented by wine glasses, maybe the glasses that are perfectly smooth and round, or maybe still, maybe my glasses are all tinted blue.

Regardless, I’d take that box and glass by glass I’d shatter them. It would be so freeing. All of my decisions keep leading me to yet another empty glass to add to my collection. At times I just want to take the whole set and smash them so I can start over without any trace of what was.

Only after they were in thousands of pieces would someone outside of me understand how much were contained in those empty glasses. They were never empty to me; they were built out of thousands of tiny decisions. Some of those decisions took me years of my life to form the courage to make.

People keep asking me why there is no wedding, why there isn’t some grand reception for people to attend, why we’re not flying back home to share the event with family. Why bother? I’d spend another several months of my life making a bunch of tiny, ridiculous decisions and form another empty glass that would be my wedding. I really don’t care if I have bridesmaids, if I have a designer cake, if I wear a white dress. To me, that’s all glassware.

I think deep down, I’m more of a mug person. I’m going to start collecting mugs. That way, they don’t have to match and if a glass slips in there, it’s fine. I’ll just say it’s there to add character. Plus, you can drink more things out of a mug such as hot tea or cocoa and in fact, most anything can be drunk out of a mug. That’s what is so great about it, no one looks at the mug, and they care more about what’s in it. It’s about damn time I cared more about what is in my decisions than what they look like.

So no, no white wedding gown. In fact, today I started dreaming about what it would be like to get married in jeans and a t-shirt. Of course, knowing me, I’d insist on wearing my Birkenstocks and its too damn cold for that. Sigh, so I guess, I’ll have to cave and buy a nice dress and some cute shoes. I’ll just consider that my first mug in the new Kara Collection.

(insert commerical with theme music here)

What's in a name?

2008-02-25T22:09:00.002-05:00

It’s interesting how much history you can pull up just be researching your surname. Then if you look at your other names, there is so much to learn. I find myself looking at baby name websites, just because I love learning about the history that goes into the word that people then decide to name their child. They are often common everyday words that over time just sounded like a good think to call a child. Makes me wonder if in the future, people will be naming their kids words that are based on things like cancer, Ritalin, cassette, vagina or other words used in common speech that we would never think of naming a kid. Who knows, maybe some other word will evolve to be a name. Don’t believe me? Look at all the names that are a variant of some root word for “pure.” It’s kind of crazy. I find it odd that I may someday have a great (times 15) grandchild with a name like Cassette Ritaline, who goes by “Cassie” for short.

Just saying.

Pretty soon, I'll be changing my name. The small price I pay for falling maddly in love and getting married. Someday I'll need to do this whole buy a dress thing. It's on my list.

Wishing Comfort

2008-02-22T21:17:00.001-05:00

Soft Comfort
Warmth
Happy face pancakes and bacon
Window view
Maple Syrup
Cold Milk
Smiling feet
Funny words
Soft Warm Clean Armor
Ride with Ruby
See the Blue Beauty
New Armor Getaway
Words of Wisdom
Hugging hands
Cold star brew
Bread roll
View through glass
Half sandwich and cup of soup
Warmth
Loving Comfort

Break

Ruby highway
Destination unknown
Brain stimulates
Heart growth
Tea Pop snicker
Quiet Return
Home Comfort
Consumption
Color Viewing
Hugging warmth
Comfortable Peace

Rest

Floating Islands

2008-02-17T19:05:00.004-05:00

Yesterday we saw what I think is properly called a superior mirage. From the New Hampshire coast, we could see islands that were below the horizon line called the isles of shoals. They are about 5 miles off the coast, so normally, you wouldn’t see them. As best as I can figure, the air right above the ocean water was so cold that it resulted in this effect as seen in the image below.

And this would be an actual photo of the islands that all logic would say I should not be able to see due to the curvature of the nice planet. Yes, those are over five mile away:

New Car

2008-02-17T07:57:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, we traded our gas guzzling, road warrior car in. It definitely had personality. While I would complain about some of its features, and when directly asked, would say, I wasn’t a fan of her, I am a little bit sad she’s gone. It was the car that my sailor drove when he picked me up at the airport, each and every time this last year. It was the car we took to the beach down in Charleston. The whole thing is so very strange. Growing up, I never cared so much when my family got a new car, even if it was a car that drove a lot. I guess it’s because I love him so much that my happiness for him oozes into things he touches. It’s kind of sad and girly, I know, but what can I say? On the other hand, it was sort of like his bachelor mobile. Now we have a pretty prius. Yes, I did say pretty. It also feels more like an “us” car. Also, the forty miles a gallon it gets isn't bad either.

Pinky

2008-02-14T14:10:00.002-05:00

I keep telling people that I want a mini pink bulldozer or bobcat. It would live under my carport and I'd drive it around during our New Englander blizzards and help out with neighborhood snow removel. I do not believe that people fully understand how wonderful it would be to own such a vehicle up here in cold Maine so I've altered a photo for you. It's a bad photoshop job, I know this, BUT, I think it does a good job of illustrating the coolness that would be a pink roover snow scooper.

Are we really free?

2008-02-13T16:14:00.002-05:00

I once had a roommate who spent a great deal of her time trying to convince people that she would make a good teacher. She wanted people to view her as smart, trustworthy, a good role model, understanding and fully capable of teaching children. She also wanted lots of brownie points for going into a field where people were unappreciated, underpaid and expected people to treat her as taking one for the team as it were, a martyr almost. She was full of the biggest, smelliest, most fowl type of bullshit ever created. Why you may ask? She’s a liar of the worst kind; she falsified herself and her intentions.

She didn’t want to go in to teaching with the priority of helping others, but rather to help herself. She had always had the selfish goal of ONLY helping people, only teaching in a school district that was within some short radius of her hometown. It must suck to be her. I don’t envy her at all in any way. People always assume that if you go into some kind of service position that your intentions are truly unselfish and you intend to help where you are needed. I assume that is why she falsified herself to the extreme. You can’t really call yourself a good role model when you are only interested in helping people when it’s convenient with your personal goals. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if someone told me that she refuses to interview or teach just down the highway, in some inner city school district, which would in no way help her achieve her personal goals and dreams.

I provide this personal example to illustrate that it is this pressure that leads to a public falsified self is quite common. Just look at politicians, specifically, those trying to win a presidential bid. Each one is trying to present himself (or herself) as a person for the people. That they are who we each wish we could be, have the time to be. (This reminds me of the priest character in the movie Keeping the Faith) But are they really? Maybe….

Stop and ask yourself, what does he (or she) gain? What are their goals? Why the heck can’t people just be honest? There is nothing wrong with anyone or their dreams or goals. However, there is something wrong about lying about the most basic core of you. We live in a country where we are supposed to be free, but are we? If you have to lie about your most fundamental self in order to achieve basic dreams, then are we really free?

Give me boats, fruit and angels and call it a day.

2008-02-11T10:43:00.000-05:00

I do absolutely love how when I drive home from work I see something new everyday. There always seems to be a new boat in the harbor or some odd house I missed every other time before I went that path. Due to all the winding, narrow streets, every day can be a new adventure. If I only had a way to take photos from all the bridges in town…but alas! Come tourist season, there will be harbor cruses. How amazing! It may very well be something I do on a weekly basis. I may trade it off with other boat tours. It might akso be fun to go out a ways in the ocean and spend an afternoon watching whales.

I also have discovered the best grocery store ever! I think it may even be better than the Merc back home. Food there is expensive, but what’s new in my life? Seriously, the story of my life, where’s the money? I’m finding it hard to remain positive when I make so little money doing a job that is really quite stressful. There is by far nothing more depressing than working several hours a week, only to find by the time a pay check comes around, not having enough for life’s simple pleasures.

Regardless, I find myself sneaking over there and spending a dollar now and again just to sample the sweet luxury that is high quality food. There is just something about gourmet chips and fresh fruit that gets me going with excitement.

That reminds me of another point. If it does become the case that this country has a national health care system, is someone going to address the fact that healthy food is so expensive? I was just wondering.

Alas, life continues. Thankfully, I’ll be working fewer hours this week and in the upcoming weeks so maybe I will regain my sense of self long enough to read a good book or make some snow angels.

Re: Why don't you tell me these things?

2008-02-11T09:54:00.000-05:00

What goes into making a decision and what kind of information do you need to make one confidently? This concept is so basic, that even personality questionnaires inquire how you go about solving programs in an effort to identify your profile. It’s often believed that a general difference is that people either rely on feelings or logic to make decisions, the whole head versus heart concept. However, there is so much more to it.

I think you reach a point in your life where you are very aware of what is expected of you. It’s surprising how many different directions a mind can be pulled. As much as I like to make fun of Sociology, that field’s concept of a role is very applicable to my point. Regardless of where you stand in life, you must fill roles and if you fail at doing so, there are consequences.

Just to provide a list for the sake of discussion, here is what I would say would be some of my roles I’m expected to fill: daughter, niece, cousin, fiancée, co-worker, neighbor, sister, role model, female, twenty-five year old, Kansan, Mainer, military spouse (soon to be), friend, assistant, servant (I work in the service industry at the moment), and probably others, but I’ve made my point. To further complicated things, each role as subcomponents.

I suppose that a person just acts and doesn’t think about himself like this, with the brake down of identity, but to do so is my auto-pilot. I have moments, sometimes several hour long moments where my emotions are just out of sync with my situation. However, these days, due to my good health, it may simply be more of an issue with circumstance. I find myself having trouble simply being myself, because for so long, whenever I was myself, I was struck down. I have found that when people say, “be yourself,” what they really mean, is “be the person I think you want to be.”

I don’t feel safe being myself, to be quite honest, except when I am completely alone, alone with my sailor (not out in public), or when I am on a vacation and take on a “to hell with you attitude,” and don’t worry about what effect I have on people. Granted, I should probably just take on this attitude in my everyday life, but if you have seen me on vacation, you know that kind of thinking won’t sit well in a structured atmosphere like a work environment. So, I function on auto-pilot sometimes. It’s how bills get paid and things get done. However, the consequence is that I suffer. If I spend too many days just acting like I should to fill a role, then I sort of loose myself and bury myself. When someone asks me something simple like what I want to do or what movie would I want to watch I just freeze. I have to take a few moments and dig inside my brain to find myself again and answer. Sometimes, it takes a while.

I guess to some degree I have never really felt accepted. It doesn’t help that I’m in Maine. My sense of humor gets lost on people, so I hold my tongue when I have something witty to say. I hate discussing politics and religion with anyone who is going to make personal insults in my direction when I do. Clearly, any one who sinks to such a low as to use that kind of tactic is a complete waste of my time and energy and since probably 99% of the population does exactly that, it’s hard for me to really speak my mind.

Not all vacations require a beach

2008-02-08T08:57:00.000-05:00

I once saw this movie that had a great concept: “Take a vacation from you problems.” I loved it and still do. People worry too much and at times take life way to seriously. It’s also odd that people think they have to physically leave their house, neighborhood, city, heck, even state and country just to get away and relax. It’s often the case that people live some where, or close to some where that people travel to trying to accomplish the same thing.

Now, I’m no different. I often don’t care how strong or good the argument is I am convinced that I have to at least leave my house to accomplish this type of relaxation by taking a break from all that ails me. However, I am realizing that there were lots of things I missed out on where I used to live because I was closed minded and assumed that it was all boring. If you live somewhere long enough, you just assume you’ve done everything, but that’s often the furthest from the truth.

Granted, in some parts of the country, like small towns in western Kansas, there may only be so much, but if you live near a city as big as Kansas City, then you really have no room to complain. I live in a town of about nine thousand, and even if you factor out all the geographic differences like take away the ocean and the mountains, you still have community classes, events, locally owned stores and restaurants. Things come and go and there are new ones to explore. I don’t care where you live, most every where has a city part to relax in and things like kites and bubbles are widely available. Don’t be afraid to let your inner kid escape when it comes to that kind of thing. Allow yourself to take a Saturday and be a “dumb tourist” in your town. It will force you to live in the moment and you’ll see the whole place through new eyes and sleep better because of it.

What happend to religous freedom?

2008-02-07T12:36:00.001-05:00

I find it odd that a lot of people who are decedents of people who fled to the United States for religious freedom are now denying people the vary thing their ancestors valued above all else. Think about it. Imagine a bunch of people on a very tiny boat. Imagine their collective body odor after three months of sea voyage. Imagine building a house and a life from scratch with materials and resources that were just here and possibly having no idea ahead of time of what you could work with. Some of us are descendants of people who voluntarily choose to endure such awfulness just for the freedom to believe what they wanted to. Now, their descendants are a bunch of closed minded pansy asses. If zombies come up out of the ground and start attacking people it will be because after they rolled over in their grave a few hundred times they got restless.

Proclamtion of the Obvious

2008-02-01T21:22:00.000-05:00

There was a summer, back in my golden years of a youngster, which I spent, almost in its entirety, playing Sim City 2000 on our super Nintendo system. I rarely left the house. I was determined to build the ultimate city and somehow squeeze half a million people on my city grid. It would probably be an understatement to say that I was obsessed. I finally reached my goal on hot summer afternoon in August, just as the school year was rapidly approaching. I even recall doing a happy dance when that monumental occasion occurred. I spent the next couple of days showing my city off to my parents, my sister. I think I may have even tried to explain its awesomeness to our dogs.

I then began to build another city, partly out of boredom and partly out of habit. Playing that game had simply become what I did in my freedom and during a summer as a child, was most of my time. I had to turn over the gaming system to my younger sister, for reasons my parents could not explain to me in my satisfaction. She taunted me, she rubbed it in my face and in my angry dramatic reply of dissatisfaction I accidently saved my new, pitiful, tiny city over my fantastic mega city. It was gone forever, my entire summer’s worth of work, gone in that very instant. It was very traumatic.

I went back to school a couple weeks later and was miserable. I spent a large part of my day yearning to be outside. I stared repeatedly out of my classroom window and daydreamed of pterodactyls flying by and ripping the roof right off of my classroom so that I could absorb sunshine. At the time, I repeatedly kicked myself in the ass with guilt, telling myself how foolish I had been. How I had wasted the entire summer, but I came to realize later, that I had learned a lot from the experience.

Sadly, I also think that because of that experience I am scared to really fully commit myself to something, even a leisure type hobby. All of my good ideas and energy went into something that I don’t have anymore and even when I did, it wasn’t easily accessible. Part of that is probably because despite how much I keep trying to deny it, I want to be able to see my work and accomplishments in some fashion. I would be much happier building a table than playing a video game. I don’t want to have to turn on a piece of electronic equipment and open a file before I can be proud of my work and my life. I want it out in the open, in plain sight, so I can share my joy and happiness. I’m not suggesting I want people to ask about my work or accomplishments and I never picture it as conversation starting points. It’s just that I want my space, my appearance, my behavior, etc. to all represent me.

Besides, if you only gave the world a chance, you’d see how wonderful it is. Seriously, if you can, you should go outside and look around, cool stuff like this is out there, I promise:

I had to walk on an outdoor trail three times before I saw things this small when I was in Charleston after spending several days inside staring at a computer screen because I was afraid of the Southern heat. Some people are not meant to live indoors CONSTANTLY and I am one of them...are you?

The Circle of Life

2008-01-26T21:39:00.000-05:00

This is probably considered a depressing entry, so if you read it to the end, you get a happy picture. :)

Having battled for many years with suicidal thinking has made me look at death differently. However, no matter how much of my life I have spent trying to come to peace with life, I still feel incredible sad when someone I can connect with on any level dies. There is so much unnecessary death. We all like to think that the timing of that irreversible event will somehow be fair and just. I often see it as being universal, one of the few things people agree on. No matter how you feel about someone you want their death to be fair, you want them to exit life at the right time. That may mean you want someone you love to live as long as possible and die peacefully while believing that someone you hate dies painfully at a young age.

When that doesn’t happen most people make peace by creating stories, some of which are probably the most beautiful ideas ever imagined by man. Sadly, deep down, we know, we hate to admit it, but we know at some point, everyone leaves and it’s not always fair. It’s nice that with current science and knowledge, a cause of death can be declared and we often find peace in that. It’s silly that the death of an actor, someone who I have never met personally, would be on the forefront of my mind so much. I cannot help it. He was only three years older than me. How scary is that? I’m young, it’s supposed to be a guarantee that I’ll wake up from my sleep and that tomorrow will for a fact happen. It brings me chills and flash backs.

I spent so long, so many nights crying myself to sleep in fear, wondering if in the middle of the night I would just sleep walk and accidently hurt myself, or worse, end my life. That’s something that is never talked about. Suicidal thinking is not just one thought, it follows you, and it takes over you and your entire life. You think about nothing else, you dream about nothing else. Every moment and ounce of energy you spend fighting for your life in great hope that one day it will all just get better. We want to believe that for you somehow magically life will return again, that you will feel safe in your own skin again.

I know it’s been widely reported, that the actor did not want to take his own life that he did not commit suicide. I also know that his cause of death has not been determined. However, the fact of the matter is he went to sleep, did not wake up and he was all of twenty-eight. What better example can life provide to illustrate the timing and situation of death can be anything but fair? However, out of all the sadness two things pop into my mind:

The actor’s final film has promotional posters with his character’s likeness with the words, “Why so serious?” I’ll leave that one for you to comprehend.

Second, I am reminded of a quote from the movie The Hours where the character Virginia Wolf explains to her young niece why she is killing one of the characters in the books she is writing. “Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more.”

By the way, everyone, regardless of their faith, should read the book of Genesis. It is beautiful. That story has so much to it and has undoubtedly stood the test of time.

So, here you have it, a happy picture of my favorite lobster and I. It's my favorite because it was a gift from my sailor. Just further proof we are two peas from the same pod. :)

Wire, Washers and Wisdom

2008-01-22T07:21:00.000-05:00

I’ve recently decided that I’m going to start a new hobby. I had lots of reservations. Most of the revolved around the fact that for some odd reason I spent most of my childhood days competing with people for various wants and felt a pressure to be good at whatever it was I spent my time doing. It was a way for me to prove my worth to people and further convince them that I was worth investing in. I know, sad isn’t it? Regardless, it made the whole idea of starting something new, something that would probably take me years to perfect very overwhelming. However, I realized the following and now I am excited as ever at taking on a new trade:

Where does this idea come from that in life it’s too late to learn something or change something about your self? That it’s too late to go back to school or start a new career? It wasn’t that long ago that people would learn a trade and die ten or fifteen years later and that’s assuming that they even lived that long. It’s okay to start a new life at thirty, forty, and fifty and beyond. No matter what career you choose, what field you pursue, odds are very much in your favor you’ll be able to contribute to it. Why let mortality kill you before it takes your body back to the earth it came from?

Exactly.

It's okay to be bad, mad and sad.

2008-01-14T07:36:00.000-05:00

It’s unfortunate that we live in a time and place were there is a consistent expectation to be perfectly happy all the time. Humans are not perfect and also not consistent. Yes, you can control attitude and behavior, but after that, what can you control? And if you could, should you? At what point should a person allow life to affect them, to sway them, to impress them? We often spend so much time fighting life, we often don’t just stop and appreciate the moment and accept ourselves regardless of how not perfect we are during that slice of time.

We also have stopped admitting that we dislike things or people for that matter. We’ve stopped letting people know when they do something that is below par or unacceptable. Teachers are afraid to fail students, employers afraid to fire people, there are even laws about how if you list someone as a reference they can’t even destroy your character, even if you may deserve it because while you worked for them you stole money out of the cash drawer on a daily basis.

It’s almost like we’ve lost a piece of our freedom somehow. I once had a roommate that at the time we lived together processed every single quality I disliked about people. Granted, she had additional qualities, some I liked very much and she was in mind, for the most part, a good person. It just so happened that because of where life was taking her, well, actually, where she was taking herself, I could not agree or approve of many of the decisions she was making including small ones. In hindsight, this shouldn’t have mattered. However, because I live in a world where it is somehow very evil and wrong to think, much less say anything negative about someone, my opinions caused many problems. I even had people telling me that I was wrong for disagreeing with them and thinking she was anything less than how amazing they believed her to be.

It was tough, in some cases it came down to either losing my friends or losing the very base of my belief system. My ideas of what was morally and ethically right or wrong were even brought into question. In the end, I choose my beliefs, my basic sense of self, the core of my identity, or at least what was left after other life events changed it. For some odd reason, people still think if I had the chance I would want to hurt her, which in itself is odd. Just because I disapprove or dislike does not mean I hate or disrespect it to the point I would want to hurt her just for enjoyment. It just goes to show how little people know about me. From my point of view, it sucks that I don't have any contact with her, because that means I will never have the oppertunity to form a more positive opinion of her. I just have to take my fairly negative opinion of her to my grave.

A lot of good came from the experience of living with her though. You can learn a lot from people who live a life you would hate or despise. That experience reaffirmed my confidence that my fundamental ideas of good and bad are the right ones for me to have in my life. It helped me to understand why there is so much hate, how so many people refuse to listen, take criticism for what it is, allow life to touch them and grow and change into better version of themselves. I hesitate to say better people because that would imply something I don’t mean, that only by someone becoming more like me are they good people. There is good in every person. It’s just that it saddens me that people ignore opportunities to enrich their lives simply because they refuse to listen and take other’s seriously.

Oddly enough, I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about this as well as being mad as heck that I had Queen’s bicycle song stuck in my head, which remained there, repeating itself for two hours until I feel asleep again. It was in wee hours I realized that I have never actually wrote down or made a list of the things I do not like about the human race, or qualities that have a tendency to rub me the wrong way much less what I would consider my core beliefs. I haven't listed what the qualities I most like about people. I think I’m going to add that to my list of things to do.

The Golden Chair of Kittery

2008-01-10T08:01:00.001-05:00

Yes, it is true, it does exist, and now I have proof. Behold:

I have no idea why this is here. I have asked people and they claim they don't know either.

New Hampshire Primary

2008-01-07T14:10:00.000-05:00

Shortly after I moved here I decided I was going to ignore the media and news about the presidential campaign temporary so that I could get a perspective that I would hope be a bit different from the national one considering the unique situation I’m in. Now, while I live in Maine and have absolutely so say in the matter, In just a short drive away, over in nearby New Hampshire, there’s a series of interesting events taking place. Every chance I get, I take the bridge that leads me through downtown Portsmouth so I have an excuse to drive very slowly and watch all the commotion.

Due to the unusual amount of heavy snowfall we’ve had up here the last month, there are still piles of the stuff in areas not cleared out, like the little corners of intersections. All of which are just covered with lawn signs for the different candidates. They all look about the same, all with a blue background and red and white lettering. If I was just visiting and didn’t know very much about the United States I’d think it was a multi-party system.

I’ve also realized how much talking the candidates are doing…to actual people, not cameras. Yeah, sure there are debates and such, but the candidates here are going out and just talking to people and ordinary people, just like you or me are listening to them. They are not sound bites; they are as close to actual people as you are going to get ever in this election. I know that there has been as lot complaints about how wrong it is for a just one state to steal the show as it were and get the glory of having the first primary election, BUT, after witnessing some of what goes on here, it may not be that bad of system after all. Granted, some tweaking may be in order, most of the people in New Hampshire are white, so I completely understand the view points of other Americans who are not mostly European and their argument that it isn’t a fair representation.

However, there are a lot of reasons why New Hampshire is a good place for the first primary. The most obvious being that it is small in size and even if a candidate had little money, it would be relatively easy to travel around, find audiences, and get his (or her) point across. It’s a more level playing field than other states in that regard. It also doesn’t seem to have a media monopoly where one station or news outlet controls all of the information and how it’s portrayed or slanted, if at all.

I do wonder what New Hampshire gets out of it besides recognition. Why would a state have a law on the books stating that their primary isn’t held on X date, but rather is held a week before any other state’s primary? So, if a state moves up the primary, then New Hampshire’s moves up automatically without the need to be slowed down by needing a state government vote of some kind? Interesting…Any one else find this odd? I haven’t been around long enough to know if it just has something to do with state pride. I know back home in Kansas, there are definitely things if some other state tried to take from us we’d fight like hell and raise a stink to back them off.

I do know that New Hampshire doesn’t seem to have a problem taking care of itself despite having no personal income or sales tax. The current governor boosts about eliminating a major budget deficient and improving a lot of state run programs like education and health services while continuing to keep personal income and sales tax at a big zero. With that being the case is it so wrong for New Hampshire to just have the first primary? As long as people in New Hampshire are happy with their state and local governments, they aren’t looking up at any of these candidates wondering how they would help only them personally, but rather how they’ll help the country as a whole. As much as you might want to think that each individual from New England walks around with a stick shoved up their butt, the people in New Hampshire know first hand what a system looks like that does more with less. In other words, gets a heck of a lot more done with a smaller government and less money.

At the end of the day, respect it for what it is, one state’s primary. And if there were a group of people who would love to see less federal taxes come out of their paycheck, it would be my neighboring New Hampshirites. They don’t mind giving money to programs, if they work. Keep in mind they still pay taxes on some things, like property for instance. If a New Hampshirite said that X government program was okay and worth the money I’d buy them a cup of coffee and listen to what they would have to say. They are trustworthy in that regard.

Now, if only someone would teach people from New Hampshire those roundabouts are not always necessary and how to use their freaking turn signals…

They ♥ Kittery, Maine

2008-01-07T12:41:00.000-05:00

As much as I ate to admit it, homesickness did catch up to me recently. I never thought I’d miss my friends so much, and those dirty coffee shops, fresh beef, my long walks through the neighborhood, familiar restaurants, having an excuse to read and care about the journal world, knowing exactly where to go to find a nice, quiet park bench, used book stores, thrift stores, and yes, Friday nights with the family where we’d go out to eat at some cheap restaurant and sometimes sit and watch movies, talk about world events and other lively discussions. I have been longing for some sense of familiarity and being unemployed and watching bills build up in my name around me isn’t helping my sense of belonging here.

The town of Kittery hosted a welcome gathering for the men that serve aboard the recent submarine addition to the nearby shipyard. They were greeted with hugs and a scarf made by a member of the city in which the boat was named after. It wasn’t the most exciting thing on the surface. The music was provided by four people, all talented, who sang, played flute, one who knew the saxophone really well. They cycled through the same five or six songs including “Hit the Road Jack,” which seemed like an odd choice for a welcoming event. As with all small town gatherings that I have ever attended, the big finale of the event was a raffle, but the prizes were very nice.

The most amazing thing about the event was how at first people were very stand offish and hesitant to be very welcoming at first. Most small towns have their people and their routine of things, we all know how it is, and new comers can be frightening. They were happy to share information, but it wasn’t until we were there for a while that people of the town really opened up. They’d just walk up, recognizing the hand made scarf on my fiancé’s neck and just start sharing personal stories about the town, often why they moved here, what they like to do here and often ending with their favorite part about this place. It was so amazing to watch people become very trusting and open up so much with us.

It made me realize that no, I’m not in Kansas anymore, but this place is just fine and maybe at some point will seem wonderful. There are people here, actual ones, with souls and spirit including people whom when given a choice to live anywhere, could afford to live anywhere, choose to live here. My new neighbors helped ground me into a new kind of peace and almost, but not entirely, convinced me that it is possible to live on a diet that does not included beef. I had clam chowder for the first time and it was very unusual. I highly recommend NEVER eating that stuff out of can, but made fresh it’s quite good. It’s going to take me a while to get used to it and I imagine adjusting to eating lobster will be more difficult. I keep seeing them at the grocery store, alive still, and just passing time until someone takes them home and eats them. I just can’t quite picture myself bringing home a live animal and killing it in my own kitchen.

It's a small world you know...

2008-01-04T13:14:00.001-05:00

I continue to be baffled by people who do not understand that money does not grow on trees or fall magically from the sky. If you are getting something for free or greatly discounted, odds are it’s because someone somewhere is paying for it. For example, if you have health insurance, granted, you may only pay a small amount, a co-pay, but someone is paying the rest of the bill. Most of the time it’s your employer, but in other cases, it’s taxpayers. Another example would be very cheap clothing. What do you think the person who made the shirt you are wearing is making per day or per year? Do you think he or she is making enough money to live well? Yes, it’s true, sometimes things are free or greatly discounted and it’s in the best interest of all to take advantage of it. For example, if a grocery store has overstocked on milk, they will put milk on sale to encourage people to buy it. They win because they are getting rid of excess stock that is costing them too much money then it’s worth to store it and the customer wins because he gets milk at a price that is easier on the checkbook.

Please don’t take what I’ve said to mean I’m completely against nationalizing programs like health care or have a problem with world trade or globalism. I’m just noting that it is strange to me that people do not understand how much products are interconnected and how their actions effects others, no matter how small of an impact that may have on other people, it’s still an impact.

Engagement

2007-12-30T22:07:00.001-05:00

A long time ago, in a land not so far away, but in a much younger version of myself I had this idea of what it would be like to be engaged. Granted, in my young mind, I envisioned being a princess and had daydreams of a prince charming on a white horse and what not. However, I never got so far as to have my wedding planned out in my head. I figured out early on that such a thing was silly. Furthermore, anyone who rode up to me on a white horse and asked me to marry them would definitely be something I would find so odd that I would probably just run away and hide and possibly change my phone number.

After that stage, I had never really thought about it. Sure, I had some thoughts on how nice it would be to find someone I could connect with and travel my life with, but such a thing got moved very far down my list after other things came up in my life. It’s not that I thought I didn’t deserve it or that I had this idea that all men are evil or anything. I just figured in real life, this day and age, to be swept off your feet is truly something only found in fairy tales.

To my great surprised, I was wrong on so many counts. Yes, it’s true; a relationship is something you work on. This notion that a person is just going to pop up in your life and be perfect from the beginning and will always seem perfect is unreal. That part is true. However, what is also true is the happiness that comes from finding someone you can be with and honestly say you could be with them forever. The peace they bring in your life, the happiness that comes from being with someone who actually understands and accepts you. A person who thinks you are beautiful and believes in you, who shares similar goals and beliefs, enough that you can always find common ground between you. It’s amazing how much joy comes from such a relationship.

As happy as I have been, I have also been very scared. I guess I am to some degree because such a commitment is scary. However, primarily I’ve been scared for an entirely different reason: I’m afraid people who have known me in my life, my family, my friends will not share in my happiness. My fear comes from the fact that I often get compared to who I was, a very long time ago, when I was a very goal driven, workaholic. I would go to school, come home and spend hours studying all in effort to have an opportunity to advance my education, something I had dreamed about since I even knew what a University was.

However, I learned that there is so much to learn about this world and life that cannot be learned in a classroom, not even in a university classroom. It was difficult, but in a nutshell I had to accept that while my goal to advance my education had stayed the same, the way I wanted to, no, needed to acquire it had to change in order be successful. No, of course this may seam like a simple thing, but you would be surprised. People in my life have been oddly very quick to judge. It’s for this reason that I’ve been afraid. I’m not living a life that they have either wanted me to live or in other cases thought I would want.

Things change, and now I have. I’m now engaged. It’s funny. I find myself looking in the mirror and saying to me like a proclamation, “This is what an engaged person looks like.” Of course I follow this up with, “I don’t look any different.” I don’t know what I was expecting; maybe I thought I would glow with joy or something? I have no idea, but it’s funny to me that what is finally convincing people back home that I’m really okay with myself is my engagement, something that causes no change in myself and all the things that did bring me great change have gone completely unnoticed by them. Oh well, at least now I can finally share a piece of my happiness with them and that alone brings a huge smile on my face.

Aww, but I liked my punching bag....

2007-12-30T14:46:00.000-05:00

It’s one thing to have internal demons since it can be a private matter, one that you spend a little bit of time on again and again until you can make peace with it. However, when the pain, the sadness and the anger involve experiences that were shared with another it’s so difficult to make peace since to do so often requires understanding what happened and learning what you can from it. That kind of perspective can only really occur with discussion from both (or all) parties. I'm not talking group therapy or anything but rather a way to remind yourself that this so called evil ex friend or significant other is simply a human (just like you, not a devil spawn or anything) that has qualities you greatly dislike or don't function well around or they don't function well around you, or whatever the reason(s).

That kind of analysis, as painfully as it can be, provides a way to assure yourself that you won’t make the same mistakes and while you may have burned a bridge or two, lost some connections with some really fantastic people along your path, you sleep well knowing that you learned what you could, you’re moving on and feel confident that you won’t make the same mistakes and will be able to hold on to the next friend or lover you find in your life.

It’s with this understanding that I have decided that the only people I really, honestly, truly have a hard time finding goodness in are those who refuse to help others with this kind of closure. They cut off contact entirely from people, preventing peace. I know it’s an odd concept and that most would say that closure comes from not communicating, but does it really? It’s only after being apart from someone for a while that you begin to realize that there is so much you did not ask, forgot to say, need to say, wonder about.

Yes, it’s true, when you end a relationship with someone, it’s probably good to have a period where you don’t speak so you can get it through your head that it’s over, at least that type of connection is. However, why don’t people stop, remove the jealously hate stick from their butts and realize how much good could come from some type of contact? Even if there was some kind of issue in regards to pain, why not communicate via email? If you can’t talk to them that day, ignore it, sleep on it, wait a few weeks, and then respond, when you can do so without words of hate and meanness. What harm comes from this exactly? I’m finding out that very little does and I’m sad that I couldn’t keep contact with more people. You’d think with social networking sites it would be easy to reconnect, but alas, I can’t.

I guess for all those unsolvable issues there is chocolate. Yay, chocolate!!

Mallrats

2007-12-30T08:04:00.000-05:00

As much as I don't want to really to admit I've been hanging out at malls, there's only so much to do during the winter up here in Maine when there isn't beautiful snow to admire. It comes as no surprise I'm sure that most of the people wondering the mall are teenagers. I know, a shocker, right? It's sad though, that despite this fact, there isn't a whole lot there for them to do. In general, there isn't a lot for that age group to do anywhere actually. BUT, how hard would it be to include things in a mall that would be fun for that age group that would not involve spending money? Whoever owns the mall has to make a killing on renting out the store spaces, so why not take some of the store areas and turn them into something like exhibits or interactive games? I know by that age, the last thing they want to do is learn something, but surely older, wiser folks could come up with a way to trick them into doing something more productive then hiding in corners of the mall making out with their boyfriends/girlfriends of the moment and stealing things out of boredom. Just a thought. :)

If You're Tired From Biking, There's Always A Gold Chair To Sit On.

2007-12-13T22:07:00.001-05:00

There are these signs all around where I live and I have been too embarrassed to ask someone what they meant. At first I thought they meant, well, here, let me show you what they look like:

Now, what would you think they meant? Yes, exactly. In actuality, they are signs for the Eastern Trail. It’s a route you can fallow all along the Eastern coast by bike or foot, whatever floats your boat.

I find these signs incredibly amusing because I look at them and wonder what the goal was of the design. If it was simply to inform, would it look like that? It almost seems like they wanted people to notice them, even those who are driving past just like I have. In that case, wouldn’t they be more like an advertisement since they are so eye catching? Also, in a way, they are persuasive, yet another way they are more like an advertisement.

At least that question of mine got solved today, now if only I could figure out why there is a large golden chair and footstool in front of a building near downtown. The footstool is taller than me; the chair looked like it was two stories tall. When I say large, I mean LARGE. The off season for tourism and activities is now, around Christmas, even the museums are closed. I also can’t figure out what the building is and it’s interesting that it’s at the intersection of Rice Street and Love Lane which leads of Government Ave.

So there you have it, further proof that I am not supposed to live a normal life. Well, at least I’ll never get bored, which makes me happy.

The Glass Is Really Half Full

2007-12-09T17:13:00.001-05:00

There is something very nice about going to someplace and taking all the time in the world. I once went to a museum while on vacation by myself and read every single title plaque or exhibit description. It wasn’t a very large museum, but I was there for four hours. I did my best to take in the moment, understanding I was on vacation there and would never come back. It’s hard to do that kind of thing when you are with someone else or on a date because you’re often more interested in the person than your surroundings.

I know I have heard from lots of people how they can’t do something without someone to go with them or it wouldn’t be any fun. There are even people whom only do things when they are with someone else. It’s like there’s a law some where that says you can’t go to a zoo by yourself. What’s the deal? In some situations, I can understand the safety issue. It’s probably not a good idea to go rock climbing alone, or in my case, go swimming by myself, so there are situations. However, why do so many people hide from experiences simply because they do not have someone to share them with? What are people afraid of exactly?

The Aliens Attack

2007-12-03T15:14:00.000-05:00

This morning I awoke to lots of lights in my room coming from outside. There were no sirens or anything so in my half awaken state I thought that we were being attacked by aliens. Granted, it probably didn’t help that I watched the movie War of the Worlds last night. Regardless, I felt so brave at 5:30 this morning sneaking to my window and looking out, expecting to, well, I don’t know, it made sense in my half awaken state. To my surprise, they were actually snow plowing my little, tiny street at that hour. Talk about service, in my home town of Lawrence we were always thankful if they got the major highways plowed by rush hour, but I guess here they mean business. I imagine no one ever calls into work and says their running late because the roads are bad.

Sigh. I keep forgetting to invest in a snow shovel. I guess in some small room of my brain it was decided that I could prevent winter from coming if I just was ready yet. I now have a drive way that will be a total nightmare to get out of, but if I can slide out into the street and not hit the mailboxes, I should be fine. I also do have lots of hot chocolate and marshmallows. I also have the internet, Netflix and the complete collection of Charles Dickens, so I’m fine.

Now, if I can only convince the gods to bring back sunshine and my wonderful, amazing sailor, life would be alright.

(I’d forgive them for this whole snow business before Christmas thing.)

The English Connection

2007-12-03T14:28:00.000-05:00

I can remember a time when I was much younger and beginning to take an interest in the history of my family. I can remember realizing that, well, of course, my family didn’t always speak English, followed of course by the odd noise I make in my head that basically sounds like, duh. Anyway, continuing with my thoughts on language and communication, it seemed acceptable to note some of my thoughts on the United States and its history of a common language, although, not “official.”

Yes, it’s probably safe to make the general statement that we are a country of immigrants. In fact, this is such a part of our culture that we hardly identify ourselves as American. Rather, it’s I’m German, Swiss, English and so forth. Even when you read American celebrity profiles you can find out where their family emigrated from. It is sometimes mentioned as an actress of Italian heritage or of Irish stock. What is absolutely amazing about this country is how even though most people have retained a sense of pride about their heritage, within a generation, if that long, you speak English. There’s this story that gets told over and over again, in my family, how when my great grandfather first came to the United States he took the train down the St. Louis. By the time he got there he could say, “Fuck You,” “Song of Bitch,” “Dimmit,” and every other curse word you need to know to defend yourself against the welcoming citizens of the United States. What can I say? This country has a long history of having mixed feelings about immigrants.

Now, I simply mention this for two reasons. First, what currently is taking place, with the fact that people are choosing to permanently relocate here is not some new problem that only occurred as of our generation, nor is the fact, that as a whole, we are not as welcoming as we could be to our new neighbors. This trend has been occurring for, oh, I don’t know, since the very, very beginning of this country’s history. A better question might be, when did this not go on? My second reason is to share, or rather remind that we all have noticed how much information is being presented in more than one language in this country.

Seriously, name one other thing that connects this people of this country, something that connects every single family, name one other one. I honestly do not think there is anything other than the language of English. Unfortunately, we live in a world where people really need to speak more than one language, and maybe in a generation, three or four, so it seems natural to want to present information in more than one language. However, this creates an issue where people may only choose and can get by with knowing some language other than English and then that is when this country will begin to be divided, the very moment we can not communicate with each other. The day we need a translator in Congress so that get things done, that’s when it will get ugly. Yes, it’s true, it probably won’t happen any time in the near future, but it wouldn’t surprise me if my grandchildren had to deal with this.

White Fuzzy Dice

2007-11-30T12:51:00.000-05:00

Being a Kansas girl comes with its stereotypes, one of which is the belief that I have always owned a car and know how to drive (cars, trucks, tractors, etc.). There are people in this world (mainly those from Missouri) whom believe that being from Kansas I am a horrible driver, but let me assure you, there are some prize drivers up there in the North East. Yes, it’s true, they all come from New Jersey.

While my boyfriend has a wonderful, much newer car for his adventures, which I should note, he deserves and pays a lot of money for; I have a delightful red truck. I’ve named it Clyde, it’s awesome. It’s three different colors of red and if you floor it and are going down hill, he may even reach sixty miles per hour traveling speed. It’s a great car for me to have while I remind myself how this whole driving thing works. If you saw it you would understand how it matches my personality quite well.

The world through the eyes of a driver is so much different than as a passenger. At least, I notice different things. The first thing I noticed is that I may very possibly own the oldest car the whole area. Granted, I may just be the bravest person in the area to drive an almost twenty year old truck, but I’m just saying, it’s the first thing I noticed. I’ve also come to realize that my biggest issue is this whole parking thing, which is really funny considering a heck of a long time ago I had a part time job issuing parking tickets. I think it may very well be karma biting my butt, so when I do finally get a ticket for being parked outside of the lines I’ll know I had it coming.

Yesterday, my truck and I went on a big adventure, all the way to a Walmart and a job interview. (I know, VERY exciting.) Outside of a driver’s education course I took when I was fourteen, I had never driven on the highway and hate bridges with such a passion that I have always avoided them, especially during weather where the temperature likes to hobble back and forth around freezing, so it’s impossible to know when there’s ice on the bridges. Here in Maine, that’s the only type of weather we know around here, so I was a little worried and scared of driving so I was extra cautious and took routes with slower speed limits, just to be on the safe side.

Now, if you’ve read my previous rant, you would know how I have had a difficult time communicating, much less relating to my new statesmen so at a stoplight in New Hampshire, when I looked over and saw a woman driving a white station wagon, almost as old as my truck, with the fake wood paneling I was so very happy. She even had fuzzy dice hanging from her mirror, from my height in the truck I could see some of the contents of some of her car and could tell she was my kind of person. It was a wonderful moment, she never saw me and since her car wasn’t quite as old as my truck, she sped off and I thought that would be the last I saw of her.

I saw her again, later that afternoon. It was a very chilling, sad sight. I didn’t see her actually; I saw her car, fuzzy dice and all, smashed, along the highway in a very nasty accident. While I was at my interview we heard lots and lots of sirens. It was very troubling, but the relief that comes from not knowing anyone is not to worry when the sirens go off. It’s not like back home where if they were near you then you’d peek out the window, just to make sure the neighbors where safe (and to be nosey). It was one of those back to reality moments for me. Sometimes when I get stressed and busy I ignore what’s going on around me that doesn’t involve me directly just to simply focus on what’s at hand. I’ve pretty much been doing that since I’ve moved to Maine. The sight of the wreck changed all that though and reminded me how little control we sometimes have over what little time we get to spend with people. I didn’t even know her name and yet she changed my whole day so much. Funny how that happens sometimes. It also makes me wonder if I have ever had that much impact on someone.

Mainglish

2007-11-27T15:37:00.000-05:00

I have long been fascinated by how people communicate. I imagine that had my life worked out slightly differently, I would have studied linguistics and could speak five languages by now. Instead, English is the only one I really know, and at times I wonder if I really should even make that claim.

When I first arrived here, I noticed the surrounding nature and culture. I would at times get so giddy I would make squeaky noises and dance at the thought of being so close to beaches to ocean gaze, mountains to hike, new food to try, and a foreign country to visit even. Not that Canada is really all that exciting, but just in case I get really bored, it’s an option. The thought never occurred to me that I would have difficulty communicating with people.

It’s not a problem with dialect and if anything, I am the one with an accent. People here sound like the characters you might find on television. They sound like Americans. I’m the oddball for saying yer instead of your. I like to ask people, “What’s yer phone number?” I get lots of looks. I concluded early on that my issue with communicating with the locals was not one of pronunciation. I can understand every word that a Mainer speaks to me; I just don’t understand what they are talking about.

When I can ask someone a simple question like: “What methods of payment do you accept?” or “Do you have any LED lights?” or “What paperwork do I need to bring with me when I get my driver’s license?” I get a response, they use words, they are English words, but all I can do is tilt my head and give a look of confusion. Often, I ask for things in writing, “Do you have a handout explaining that?” Even then, I usually walk out of an office with three more handouts than I need because it wasn’t until they gave me the fourth one that I had my question answered.

Even when my boyfriend and I both are present, it still does no good. We come back home and compare what we heard and still have no idea what was said to us. We’ve even tried negotiation by word order. For example, at the hospital billing window, we tried a line of questioning like: “What amount do I owe you?” “Do I need to pay anything now?” “Would you like for me to pay now?” “What amount would you like for me to pay you?” “Do I owe you any money today?” “Can we get a bill?” “Do you have my mailing address?” “When will you bill me?” The reply to all of the answers was something like this: “You can pay today, if you want, we ask for fifty percent down, but you don’t have to. We will bill you, after the insurance, it looks like they’ll pay more than fifty percent, you can wait, until after they pay, but we would like it if you pay, the fifty percent of course, today, at the hospital, you don’t have to….” After a while, when she took a breath, each time we asked what that amount would be, an estimate even, if we did pay, what amount would I pay here and she cycled right back to “Well, you can pay today, but….” We stood there for quite awhile. Even if my life depended on it, I would not know what to make the check out to, what amount to write or to which person to give it to, not even which department nor did I leave there with an account number to reference if I needed to call back and ask about something. After a couple of weeks I got a letter in the mail with an account number, my name and date that they saw me and a note saying they were going to bill my insurance company at some point in the next thirty to forty-five days. Again, no dollar amount. I still have no idea what that visit cost.

At times I feel I need a notepad and just write things like: Me want this book (draw arrow to left hand holding book) Me pay you. (Hand person a 20 dollar bill) Give me change. I want receipt. Of course, even if I did that they would probably still be confused. I’d get a receipt that would be for a Mocha Frappachino and all of my change in quarters. I have never felt a bigger urge in all of my life to just simply order everything I need online and have it mailed to my house just so I don’t have to deal with people. Sadly, here in Maine I have to pay sales tax and if I drive a couple miles into New Hampshire then I don’t. Unless I get really rich, I’m going to have to keep talking to these people.

For the time being I talk to people using phrasing found in most early twentieth century writing like in the Narnia Chronicles. It seems to have worked. Now people return my phone calls and I have job interviews. I had one today and it went really well. I guess I need to talk like I’m trapped in a novel. I wonder if that’s why people call this place vacationland and say it’s the way life should be. Should we all be trapped in books? I guess so according to New Englanders.

Maybe it's the water

2007-11-20T08:39:00.000-05:00

Before moving up north, I had been told by many people that in their opinion I was both non-judgmental and open minded. I had been led to believe I had a fairly decent grasp of how things worked despite never really escaping for college or studying abroad or anything else of that nature. Sadly, that whole image was rocked last week when I woke up with an attack of pain so vicious that had I also woken up back in the caveman era of time, I would have gladly taken some sharp rock and jabbed myself at the painful area of my body and removed organs until I was in less pain.

Luckily, I wasn't home alone. While I rolled up into a little ball on the bathroom floor alternating between hugging a pillow and the toilet, depending on which direction my fever sent me, he made calls. I'm used to being a short drive and a waiting room away from seeing someone. On the off chance that I couldn't, say a large percentage of people came down with the flu or something, then there was always walk-in prompt care clinics and such. Even in the inner Kansas City there was a day clinic. Back home people complained if they had to wait a whole day until they could see someone. With that said, you can imagine my surprise when not only could no doctor in the area see me, but that they weren't accepting patients. That's right, there are so few physicians in the area that they cannot even accept any more patients.

I ended up calling my physician's office back in Lawrence, whom rightly told me to go to the emergency room. It's still very odd to me how the nearest emergency room is in New Hampshire. Back home, Kansans didn't dare go over to Missouri for care and vise-versa. Regardless, it is so noted that I was here a grand total of eight days before learning where the nearest hospital is. Insert jokes here.

Why is it that the smaller the town, the slower the emergency room? Also, doctors and nurses in small town emergency rooms are less impressed with injuries. They don't panic, there's never any reason to. It's very odd since in small towns, the latest bit of gossip will get the pants of all waded up into a bun, but if someone is attacked by a wild, furious squirrel, no one really says anything besides the fact it happened. It's like there's this understanding and acceptance that in life, to a certain degree, these things are bound to happen. It's always the "tough" gang bangers of the inner city whom brag about how many gun shot and knife wounds they have "survived." In small towns it's, remember how stupid Jim Bob was for provoking that squirrel and standing to close to Billie Ray when he was loading his gun? Scars of such nature in small area are a sign of stupidity, not bravery.

I guess it's a good thing that I didn't act all caveman like and went to the emergency room. There is something very odd and twisted in the fact that it took a small town doctor in New Hampshire with a very heavy New England accent to figure out that all of these years I've been dealing with kidney stones. It's also very odd that my follow up appointment with a specialist (not a physician) that should have been just seven days from my ER visit, is actually next month, and that was after the scheduler, rearranged things so that they could fit me in.

I can only imagine how it must be to live in rural Maine up north from where I live. Clearly, I should never live in such a place since my body refuses to operate at some state of efficiency for any period of time. As my sister has pointed out, maybe I should just become the bionic woman and start replacing organs with artificial ones. It may actually be cheaper. Until that happens, I think I'll stay away from the true wilderness and start propaganda quietly teaching people to fear the squirrels.

Goodbye Kansas, Hello Maine.

2007-11-13T11:48:00.000-05:00

I have heard many people tell me over the last couple of weeks how difficult it must be, how stressful it must be, and how brave I must be for moving across the country. For one, technically, I didn't move across the country, I was already half way across, residing in Kansas. For another, things are often more easy to do than to think about it. For instance, it's much easier to buy a plane ticket, pack boxes, mail boxes, go to airport, get on plane, get off plane, navigate around an airport, catch next plane and walk off plane into arms of Maine than it is to think about it. In case you were wondering, that's my big secret, for a few days, including the day I did wake up and catch a plane out of Kansas City, I did my best to live in the moment. If you string them together, it creates this story of moments:

Waking up at three thirty in the morning is never the best way to start a day, nor is twisting my ankle while trying to load up the SUV with my luggage in dark a grand way either. However, the drive to the airport, the empty highway, the eerie darkness created an grandeur only a traveler could love. It represented my peaceful transition. I wasn't running away, I was leaving.

It was my grandmother who volunteered to drive me to the airport and she choose to wait with me while they searched my luggage. We commented on how difficult it must be for the security officer to stuff everything back in my lavender suitcase. I, after all, have a reputation of stuffing things in containers finer than any pack rat, and this packaging job was no exception. We made small talk, a few jokes, the content of which I cannot recall. Behind her smile was that of pride, behind mine was that of relief. I felt I was finally, after a long last, getting on with my life.

As I was gracefully lifted off the ground by the aircraft I looked out and could see each individual street lamp, each traffic light, the headlights of each traveling car. I know in time it was a just a few minutes, but that sight, the layers of light, the patchwork of dull colors lasted in my mind for several hours. Through out the day I simply closed my eyes and thought about that moment, followed by the sun rising, the bands of color it created in the atmosphere and recaptured some joy, almost as if I could contain it in a jar.

The landing at Washington Reagan was scary, it seemed at first as if we had landed on water, only to realized it was the furthest runway. My fear left quickly once I realized that from my seat I could see the doom of Congress, the Washington monument, the Jefferson Memorial and the Watergate Hotel as the plane was taxing to it's gate. My lay over was interesting to say the least. It involved two buses. Sadly, due to cloud cover, I could not see the eastern coast as I flew up to Portland. Outside my window was just a sea of white and as the plane descended, I wondered if we were just descending into an abyss. As we lowered beneath the clouds, a cross wind made the plane fished tail the whole way, into the landing. I could tell it was cold rain that was pouring down my window, I could just sense it.

As I walked off the plane and up the ramp there was a sign hanging from the ceiling that read "Welcome Home" with a red lobster off to the side. Since that moment, I have indeed, felt like I was home. It's different somehow, it brings a new kind of peace than my hometown, or my college apartment. It also brings new freedom and opportunity.

Also, as an added bonus, I live less than a hundred yards from this:

Granted, come winter, it won't be as pretty, but for right now, it's quite a sight.

Downtown Charleston

2007-08-06T07:39:00.001-04:00

Every other time I’ve gone downtown I’ve just stayed in a small three or four block area, but for my last visit, we ventured out and really explored the area. It was quite a sight. I know that there are a lot of wealthy people in Charleston. I needed no other indication then the many Hummer H2 and H3 vehicles that I see on an almost daily basis. However, I now have several more reasons to add to the list.

There is so much to the area, mainly, clothes, expensive clothes, and more expensive clothes. There is also antiquing, if that’s your thing. It’s such a bizarre sight to see beautiful, historic, colorful buildings being the homes to luxury line products. My first impression of the place is that each store should be some locally owned mom and pop kind of place and it struck me off guard, that even in a place as unique at historic downtown Charleston, American consumerism wins out. It’s kind of sad really. As you drive towards the area you pass a sign that says “Charleston: All American City.” Well, I guess they got that right; you can’t get any more all American than block after block of store after store.

We did find a luxury chocolate store. I have never spent so much money so few pieces of chocolate, but it was definitely worth it. I’m beginning to think that maybe the wealthy have good taste or at least good taste when it comes to lovely chocolate. I was about to just let that comment go as simply good taste, but then I remembered the really large, tacky chancellor that I saw in the hotel we walked through and had add an additional two cents to the comment. Why is it necessary again to have stores inside the hotel? It was an odd sight as well. Are there really people whom would fly out to Charleston only to never leave the hotel? Maybe people just forget to buy a new outfit before they get down here so it’s convenient to have a Gucci store downstairs so you can pick up a new purse before any one sees you in public.

There is only so much window shopping one can do in an afternoon. (No, I didn’t have the guts to walk into Saks Fifth Avenue wearing my target clothes.) We ended up going through all the antique stores. We didn’t really have any business in those shops either, but the people who run them are really friendly and as long as you look like you aren’t going to randomly break stuff, they’ll let you stand there and fondle old books to your heart’s content. It was a nice outing. After several hours and talking to people I really started to appreciate antiquing and why people spend their own life in that line of work. It was really quite fascinating. It is so much more than owning a piece of history because almost every item has its own history. When tend to think of history as simple big events, but walking through a bunch of antique shops reminded me that there were so many little events too. Yes, it’s important to have historic districts and preserve the locations of important events in our history, but there is something to be said for also taking care of the furniture that existed in a local home during the civil war or turn of the century brass buttons.

I guess it’s possible to get too carried away. You can’t really preserve everything. I wonder if we’ll ever reach a point where we think enough is enough and are more selective about what is preserved and what isn’t. I wonder if a group of people will sit down at some point and reevaluate all of that and decide that it’s okay to bulldoze Rainbow Row and make way for a different kind of development that would suit the needs of the people better. At some point, it will happen. Things only last for so long. It’s because if that thought I ended my day thinking that the small things in those antique shops were even more important because I would imagine it will be the small things like silver serving spoons or snuff boxes that will last longer. After all, it’s easy to have a museum exhibit of old civil war weapons, but it’s difficult to imagine that people in the distant future are going to go visit a museum and see an exhibit of original, colonial houses (it’s not like they are easy to transport) so when they tare them down, they’ll be gone for good, but people will probably always be able to see bits and pieces and from that try to imagine what it would have been like to live in years that have already past.

Holy Sheez Batman! I'm an Average Woman!!

2007-08-03T09:24:00.000-04:00

It’s so strange. I have never had the problem where I felt inadequate and I’m starting to notice what women look like on magazine covers more, which such a bad thing since they touch up every last one, but I can’t seem to stop myself. I’m starting to think I’m fat and while it helps to go to the beach in a bikini and see lots of people who look worse in one than me, by the time I get home, I am all self concisions again. I’m noticing every little imperfection about my body. It’s really starting to freak me out.

It also doesn’t help that I am technically over weight. It’s sad, I know it doesn’t look it, but when you’re a short five feet four inches and have a tiny, small ass frame for a body, you really aren’t suppose to weigh more than about 130 pounds. It’s sad, but it’s the truth. You know what else is weird? While I’m very uncomfortable in my skin right now, I really, really value my health and feel guilty for not wanting to eat well and exercise on a regular basis earlier in my life. “My poor heart,” is what I think to myself. For the last few years it’s been working overtime and I wonder what it would say to me if it could talk.

Because of my whole weight and healthy eating obsession of the moment I have taken more notice to diet and health data that has crossed my path. I’ve concluded that what makes the most sense to me is that everyone is different, so why are people trying to create a one diet fits all kind of program. I know this in recent times has a been a running theme of mine, how it’s very unlikely there is really a universal any way of doing any thing since all people are different, BUT, it’s still true. We are not all meant to eat the same exact diet, eat the same amount of food and exercise the same way. That’s right, there isn’t a one exercise program fits all either.

Being me and accepting me as unique is such hard work. In order to be really successful and happy I’m going to need to take more notes and understand myself better. However, I hardly doubt I’m the only one with this kind of problem. Most people have to deal with this reality as some point in their lives. I also think it’s fairly normal for someone my age too and that thought is really the only thing that is comforting me right. I can’t help but laugh at that fact. Yes, the thought that is providing me the most comfort as I am going through the crisis of trying to discover how to change and personalize my life habits to make ME and only ME happier is that I’m having a life experience and moment of maturity which I have in common with most EVERYONE that walks the planet. Funny how that works, yes?

Walking With Red Slipper Pride

2007-07-31T13:26:00.001-04:00

I’m beginning to think that it is common for people on some level resist change. It’s not individual people though, whole cities, communities, countries, cultures, you name it. Anything involving people resists change. I always figured that was a bad thing. I was in a big rush to grow up and leave town just to end up somewhere that wasn’t interested in fast growth. However, I’m really beginning to enjoy living in the South. I love how people here are not scared of each other. They are not afraid to start a conversation with you at the grocery store or at the DMV. It’s not weird to be friendly here. I really enjoy that. I love how I can go for a morning walk and run into people who are sitting outside with their coffee and I can just stand there and talk to them for a good fifteen minutes before it seems at all weird. I also love Southern hospitality. I tend to be very trusting and open with people, which is something that gets me in trouble most other places.

It just fit in well here. The lifestyle and culture is different enough that I don’t think I would get bored with it any time soon and I don’t feel like I have act differently out in public, put on a face as it were, like I have to do back home. I guess the biggest change I have been resisting is the change that has occurred within me. That’s always a hard one. I need to stop running away from myself and just be, just exist and here, for whatever odd reason, I can do that. It’s easy to live here, there’s no force about it. I introduce myself and it means something. For the first time, when I open my mouth, honesty just comes out. I’m beginning to develop some pride down here. It’s a Southern thing; it’s rubbing off on me. People down here are proud, they may at times be arrogant, or confused, or to the rest of the country seem backwards, conservative, behind the times, but you have to give people one thing, they are very proud.

It’s an odd thing. I know that my self-esteem is shot. A lot of change has happened to me, but somehow at the same time I’m very happy and comfortable. I think this picture from the local beach illustrates it best. Look at the people in this picture. I am like these people. I am not like the people in the Midwest who shop at cabala's and even when they are on vacation own things that go well together. I have heard people tell me that people in the Midwest have no fashion. Well, they do, but everyone wears jeans and t-shirts. Plain. Plain. Plain. I need to live somewhere where I can express myself, like this lady is doing with her umbrella. You see? I belong in the south. If I owned an umbrella like that, I'd take it out in public and I would be proud of it. In short, while there is no place like home, Dorothy needs to wear her red slippers.

Yet Another Ocean Trip

2007-07-30T08:06:00.001-04:00

Recently I returned to the beach to yet again attempt to overcome my fear of floating. All the previous times I went to the beach there were hardly any people there, but this time, it was the classic beach scene: there were the chairs, the umbrellas, the really hot people in swimsuits and the not so hot people in swimsuits, there was the ultra hot sand and the whole time I couldn’t help but think of the famous Calvin and Hobbs strip where Calvin complains the whole time. Being from the land locked state of Kansas, it was quite an experience.

My first thought while in the ocean was that it really wanted to eat me and it was going to the first chance it got. In my mind it was just waiting for the moment when my boyfriend wouldn’t be watching me and then WHAM!! A big wave was going to just appear and swallow me. If that wasn’t traumatic enough, my boyfriend insisted that I attempt not only floating, but also body surfing. The whole time, I was frightened. I panicked a lot I think I must have screamed in horror a few times because even though the beach was quite crowed, before too long people gave me LOTS of space. No one was anywhere near us. I have drawn a picture to illustrate, because let’s face it, I laughed later, you should laugh at me too. It’s just really that funny. My boyfriend and I are the yellow dots.

And of course, in true Calvin form, when we had to leave I was very sad. The ocean is so much fun, once you learn that it’s not going to eat you, unless it’s a riptide, in which case, the ocean is angry and you should leave it alone, but on all the other days, it’s really just there to enjoy. Just don’t drink it, it tastes bad and it sucks to wear contacts in the ocean because salt water in the eyes hurts like nothing else, but despite all this, over time, the ocean and I have gone from being mortal enemies to being acquainted with each other. Also, I broke my record, on this day I floated for a whole FIVE seconds. Yes, I was yelling and screeching the whole time and almost forgot how to breathe, but I was quite proud of my accomplishment. However, my boyfriend now thinks that I may be a lost cause and has suggested that should take baby steps maybe I should practice floating in the apartment complex’s pool with a life jacket. Sigh, okay, okay, I know I’m pathetic and he’s for the most part kidding about buying me a life vest…I think…

First Step To Becoming An Old Geezer

2007-07-27T07:36:00.000-04:00

I don’t know if I have been in the South too long, but I’m starting to really enjoy spending time in places that have a very relaxed atmosphere and an older crowd. Honestly, I think this is a sign that I’m turning into an “old geezer” as some have already pointed out to me. I really enjoy being the youngest person in the room.

For a while, we would go to Barnes and Nobles and get specialty drinks and browse the books and thoroughly enjoy ourselves. They have a collection of books, I guess you could say that they are classics that are super cheap and I love them dearly. They have wonderful introductions. It is solely because of these books that I have grown to love reading once more.

However, recently, the college students have returned and now my beloved bookstore is filled with very obnoxious freshman girls who think it’s proper to walk around with friends, point at books, and make comments like, “Oh, I read that like so long ago, like in middle school and I didn’t like it, it was too wordy.” I can’t help but think, it’s a freaking book, it’s suppose to have words, maybe you should try shutting your trap, choosing a book, finding a chair and reading. Who knows, you might actually grow intellectually and learn something. Good grief.

Sadly, I know, deep down in my heart, I once was that annoying. I think we all have caught ourselves judging someone whom is younger than ourselves and later realizing that at one time we were just as young and foolish. Sigh, yes, I am becoming an old geezer.

Unconditionally Loving Another

2007-07-27T07:16:00.000-04:00

I’ve spent the last several days thinking about unconditional love. I think most people, when they think about finding that “special someone,” a soul mate, or true love they think that they kind of love that will exist between them is unconditional. I thought that too until recently. Loving someone unconditionally can be dangerous and at times energy draining. It can also be the foundation for very unhealthy relationships.

I think unconditional love is great between family, maybe even friends and everyone needs to be unconditionally loved at some point in their lives. It’s important to have people that will accept you for who you are everyday of your life and to have their opinion of you not falter even when you make bad decisions or questionable choices.
However, unconditional love has also evolved to mean that in addition to a type of emotional state for feeling for another person you also don’t change the way you treat them or the amount of support that you provide. That kind of support often means that you don’t try to change them in any way or persuade them to think differently, form another opinion or explore other avenues.

I think there is a serious problem with those kinds of relationships. No matter what kind of a relationship you are in you can’t run away from the fact that there will at some point and time be conflict and with conflict come a need for accepting fault and some change. These type of situations posses a huge problem because we think that to ask someone to change means that we don’t love them for who they are, but in order for a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife relationship to work there has to be change. It has to be okay to ask your partner to make a change or at least a compromise from time to time so that conflict can get resolved.

Does this mean that the best kind of love between life partners is not unconditional love as we have come to know it to be?

I can’t help but think of arrange marriages when the topic of love and marriage comes to mind. I know that if you look at data and studies you will find that arrange marriages or more likely to last, in other words, those marriages are less likely to end in divorce than marriages where people pick their spouse. Also, that couples in arrange marriages report loving their spouse more over time than couples in unarranged marriages. Does this mean that in this culture we have lost what a marriage is supposed to be?

There has been lots of discussion about what marriage is and how to define a married couple, but I look at the arranged marriage data and wonder what type of love exists there and if it could be defined as unconditional. I also know that there exists a theory in psychology where if a person is more likely to accept sometime if it can’t be returned or exchanged. A simple way to illustrate this is to give the example of purchasing something at store like a CD and the store offers a no exchange policy. A costumer is more likely to not only like the CD, but to like it more than a person who bought the same CD at a store that did offer the customer an easy way to return it. The same can be true with people and just about everything and this theory has been at the foundation of some arguments that it’s too easy to get a divorce and since that is the case, people jump into marriage and are quick to leave without really putting forth great effort to make things work.

I don’t know about all of this except that clearly, at least in this country, the ideas of love and family are going through some type of revision process. At one time, actually for a long time, people lived in what most refer to now as a nuclear family and that kind of family structure disappearing. Is this good or bad?

Human Contact

2007-07-25T12:44:00.000-04:00

There has been a lot of discussion about how technology has changed how we communicate with one another, but I don’t think enough attention is being drawn to the fact that even though it is much easier to communicate, in many ways we are doing less of it. Our social circle is really much less social and much bigger. Also, the less we like someone, the less contact we have with them. We each can place our “friends” into three categories, those who we speak to personally, face to face, those who we speak to over the phone, and those who we speak to via the internet. There are, of course, sub categories to the above three, such as communicating with people via instant massager, by personal email, by the email that in no way identifies yourself, messages relayed through a social network website, and so forth. The fact of the matter is it’s easier to hide from people, to avoid people who not only you don’t like, but don’t know. It creates a way to further isolate oneself and make believe that establishing relationships is as easy as typing.

However, it is not the case. It doesn’t matter how many “friends” one has listed on an online profile, forming real, life long, meaningful and health relationships take work and, you guessed it, personal contact. A lot of communication is relayed through body language such as facial expressions. All of that is lost when communication takes place online. Granted, there is only so many ways to communicate with someone who is several hundred, or maybe, thousands of miles away. In the kind of sense of connecting the world, the internet is fantastic. However, I find it odd and strange how people use the internet to communicate with people who are in their own community. People set up online gaming and interact through characters. They share a make believe world with each other while pretending to be someone else. How is this healthy or satisfying? How can this possibly replace real, honest interaction with real live, in person human beings?

I don’t really understand the world of video games, online gaming, gaming, fantasy, etc. Granted, I love reading a good science fiction novel, but I, personally, only find it rewarding when done on occasion. I think it’s sad that we don’t have places where people just interact and are expected to interact. I think it’s sad that it’s almost become taboo to strike up a conversation with a stranger. Sure, we are more than happy to do it online, when we don’t even have any way to verify any information given in such a conversation. We have spent many generations reading people through behavior. In person, it’s fairly easy to tell if someone is lying when they say they are a twenty-four year old male and are standing before you with gray hair, lots of wrinkles, and big boobs. Yes, it’s true that even in person you can’t always tell, but I would be willing to guess that striking up conversations with strangers is in some ways much safer.

I’ve also noticed that people who spend a lot of time alone, isolated tend to care less about other people. I’m sure they care on some level, but they lack the ability to be empathic, to place themselves in someone else’s shoes. I believe that on some level and in some fashion the ability to do that is necessary.

Also, and finally, personal contact is great. I love hand shakes and eye contact. I love seeing someone’s smile in person and just feeling their aura which is something that gets missed when communication happens online.

Personal Pilgrimage

2007-07-18T12:27:00.000-04:00

I finally caved today. It happens to all of us at some point. Granted, there are those few people that walk among us who believe that they would never stoop to such level. However, I am proud to say, to everyone, that I did indeed cave today. I broke down. I have had too many days of eating not only healthy, but just simply eating all new foods. I have yearned for something familiar in my stomach. Something to remind me of my glory days of college where my stomach was more like a garbage disposal that would take on the challenge of processing anything I gave it. No, I needed more than just going to the grocery store and buying a bag of tortilla chips, velveeta cheese and a can of chopped tomatoes. No, this was not a day for devouring chips and salsa while I watch my favorite movie. No, what was needed was something more sinful. I needed fast food.

Now, I had fast food one other time since I left the bread basket state, but this food that I needed not only had to be fast food, but it had to remind me of home. I needed to be comforted by food. Yes, I know it’s wrong. It’s even more wrong then buying a chocolate bar, but I’m still in America by golly and I must act like an American and consume some good old trans fat and grease. I needed a roast beef and cheddar sandwich, curly fries, mozzarella sticks and a nice, cold, sugary, carbonated beverage. It wasn’t a desire, the more I put this off, the more it became a need.

In my mind I was worshipping the taste and aroma that I envisioned of this glorious American food. It was interfering with my ability to keep my priorities straight. All I could think about was the taste of the fat and the grease. I was imagining the joy of looking out the window at all the cars that would zoom by on the highway while I enjoyed my food. That is how it happened, that is why it happened. That is way I caved today. It is why earlier today I made a pilgrimage to find something to satisfy my soul, my American soul.

I know that it is quite pathetic. I am convinced that if I was living in a foreign country I would be handling these things better. If I had no choice but to conform to the local culture, then I would. I would do so proudly and with grace. It’s just so confusing moving to a different part of the country. In so many ways, if feels like home, it’s the same country after all, but at the same time, the new place demands that you change so you do.

At least, I was set out in doing so until I caved. I don’t regret it. I enjoyed eating my fast food. I enjoyed how much it hurt to drink a carbonated beverage and how I couldn’t control my loud belching in the restaurant. It had been so long since I had a soda that I forgot that burps are part of the appeal of the product. I will admit that half way through the meal I felt sick and that I didn’t eat everything. I will also admit that since I am currently unemployed, on some level in my mind I’m telling myself that it was stupid to spend $8.63 on one single meal. Yes, all of this is true. I will admit. I have my moments of weakness and sometimes my moments of weakness leave me feeling incredibly sick. However, my soul is satisfied and I can now go back to living the healthy life where I treat my body with respect and not pollute with crap like greasy food.

Oh, but it was so delicious….

Short Note On Racism

2007-07-17T07:32:00.000-04:00

Racism is such a sticky topic in this country and definitely more in some areas than others. Spending time in Charleston, just miles from what used to be plantations that had slaves is certainly opening my eyes to the issue. I can remember back in the eighth grade when in history class I first learned about the slave trade. I also remember going home and throwing my history textbook at my father and demanding to be transferred to a different school because the one I'm attending is teaching me such crap these days. It just didn't make sense to me and I didn't understand why the Europeans thought they needed it, they already had indentured servants. What was the point? My problem is just basically that I'm ignorant, always have been, will probably will be to some extent, but spending time in a part of the country where there definitely is a big difference between "whites" and "blacks" is certainly helping me understand racism a lot more, especially how it is a alive and well in this country. It's quite sad. I rather enjoyed believing that all the stories weren't true.

People are also really nice and sweet down here, so it also makes me wonder how bad the racial divide is in areas of the country where people are not so nice. It's just so strange to me. I feel like I need to leave just so that I don't turn into one of those people who is so negative about people who are African American. I can't even begin to tell you how many times my jaw has just dropped when people say things. For example, I was talking about a story I had seen online about a young girl in her early teens getting a DUI and the person who I was speaking to, before I had even finished relaying the article blurted out, "Was she black? I bet she was black. Only a black person would do something like that." I'm not kidding, direct quote. Can you believe this rubbish? However, this is the kind of thing that gets said down here, it's really sad.

I've also noticed that if a line of people are waiting to be helped, say buy a ticket at a movie, and the ticket issuer is black, then all of the white people in the line get very antsy and annoyed after just standing in line for a couple of minutes, some even complain about how the long line is a direct result of the ticket issuer's slowness and all of the people who are black just stand there patiently. BUT, if the ticket issuer is white, then it's vise versa. It's so strange. It's like a whole other world in that sense. I have never seen anything like it, but at least now I'm beginning to understand what all the fuss about racism is about.

Lack of Green

2007-07-16T13:52:00.000-04:00

I am rediscovering my love for color. It's quite pathetic, I know, I'm such a lost puppy. If the University had only offered a degree in color theory, but alas, I am having to settle for all the free paint samples from Home Depot and visiting an exhibit on the history of color fabric dyes at a local museum. Some say I should consider being an interior designer and go back to school and such, but I don't know if that would be such a good idea. I'm such an efficient freak, I would strive to find that colors and designs that would bring out the best in people and just design everything as such. "No, you can't have a yellow nursery for your baby! He'll have trouble sleeping!!!" Yes, I would never have clients, ever, so I think I will just stick to this being a secret passion of mine.

On that note, an old friend of mine, from Atlanta once told me that the most popular color for cars is green in that area, so when I came to Charleston, I thought I would find a similar phenomena, but no, there is no popular car color here. It makes me sad. The only things that are green around here are the trees, it's odd, people don't even really wear the color green. Kermit the Frog would be sad if he lived here although, he did always say, it's not easy being green...

Being Lost, Keeping Love

2007-07-16T12:52:00.001-04:00

I find myself thinking of a lot of firsts in recent days: The first time my parents trusted me enough to be home alone, my first airplane ride, my first bathing suit, the first and only time I ate french fries with ketchup, but none of my firsts take up more of my thought then the first time I was "lost" or "unlocatable."

I remember it clearly, the first time in my life that if someone wanted to be able to find me, it would take them several hours, maybe even days. I had lived on my own for a few months and I went for a walk, didn't tell anyone where I was going, left my cell phone at home so no one could contact me and it was possibly one of the most wonderful things I have ever experienced in my entire life. It was so freeing, so honest, it was just me and the world, no one else. I found myself traveling to places that I had often thought of going to, long winding streets, odd stores, but just never could find the time, and loving just simply existing in that very moment. It was bliss.

I find myself, as one could imagine, doing a lot of new firsts here in a new town during what must be the "next chapter" of my life, but at the same time, I keep breaking down in shock and sorrow. I find myself doing things that remind me of home: I watch a lot of movies, spend a lot of time on the Internet, walk around stores even though I don't need anything...

And yet, at the exact same time, I'm forcing myself, no, forcing is too strong of a word, I'm allowing myself to let go: I hardly ever wear my watch, I spend so much time reading now, I clean things daily, I can't stand to see a dirty dish anywhere in this apartment (eeekkk!!!)

It's things like these that make me wonder if I am being myself. I look in the mirror often to verify, I reach out and touch things, I go outside and stand on the balcony and say to myself, "Yes, indeed, this isn't Kansas anymore," I go find the few things I brought with me from home and hold on to them for a few minutes. The one item that I am finding myself looking at the most often is oddly enough something I packed by accident. It's a note written by a dear friend, and it was given to me on my birthday several years ago. It's a card and inside is note written on half a sheet of a notebook paper, folded to which is says, among other things, "Just remember it's OK not to know where you're going. You'll get there."

So basically, in mind, my dear friend has given me his expressed permission to get lost as much as I want and that it's okay. Every time I read this note I tear up a little, how could I not? There are so many people who travel through life never knowing what love is, not in any way, not even loving themselves, and here is a person, a dear friend, left from a relationship of not so long ago who loved me so much, even then, when he knew less about me to say that it was OK, that I was OK, that my life is OK.

Yes, it's true, I don't need any one's permission to do anything with my life, but to know that even those who love me will always love me, no matter where I am or how lost I get, is definitely something I hold on to and even though from time to time in life I'm going to be lost, there are definitely things I can pack with me, even when I can't take suitcases, one of which is going to be that love, it's going to go with me every where I go. I hope that it never gets lost and that my love, in return, will never get lost.

Charleston Weather and Cars

2007-07-16T08:49:00.001-04:00

Back home there was this saying, "If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes." We often joke about how forecasts are never accurate, but here, near the coast, it is all very strange. Back home, if it was going to rain, there would be some kind of warning, a front would move in, you could see it coming and it always came basically from the same direction. I don't ever recall getting rain from Kansas City...

Here, it is always rain, and only rain, but it could come from anywhere. It could be clear as day and sunny and then ten minutes later, it could be raining and the rain could come from the west or the east or where ever, it's just seems odd to me, but yesterday I decided it would be the same way if I lived on a tropical island, so now I rather enjoy it.

My tropical island with lots of freeways....

I am also fascinated by the small number of crappy cars here. I'm guessing it's because there is no sense in buying a car unless it has good air conditioning, so if you can't afford something that good, you just rely on the bus. Also, there's all the freaking highways, so maybe that's a factor. I don't know, I'm just noting the observation.

A Short List of Goals

2007-07-10T12:47:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I made a list of things that I wanted to do at some point or stuff that I want to have. It's odd what kinds of things I miss and what I want to do. On one hand I think I'm a weird freak, on the other I think I'm perfectly normal.

Own for some length of time a hammock and accompanying tress
Learn how to sew and make the quilt that I have been wanting to make for years now
Learn how to float and swim
Own a car
Know how to fix a flat tire
Read a bunch more books of all kinds including the "classics"
Teach for the experience, not as a career
Be a salesperson for the experience, not as a career
Write an autobiography and possibly never share it
Write a set of short stories or a book and really never share it
Understand once and for all what the heck a semi conductor is, how it works and what it is used for
Make my very own banana bread
Live in a foreign country
Wear a dress for a whole day for no reason

That is all for now, I'm sure I'll write more entries like this later.

Sand Fish Makers

2007-07-09T14:26:00.001-04:00

Dear person who made really neat sand fish all along the beach on Friday,

Next time, don't make sand pits along the beach! People, such as myself, whom like to walk along the beach and look at the waves and stars tend to fall in such pits and twist ankles and knees. Why can't you just join the flashlight people and spend your evenings trying to find jellyfish?

Finding Solutions to Problems

2007-07-09T11:32:00.001-04:00

Why is there this desperate need and desire to explain everything in simple, universal terms? Why are there so many lines of thought, philosophies and religions devoted for being the answer to everything, the one and only way to see and think about things?

Yes, there are things that people have in common and it’s an interesting concept that besides the physical things that we can see we have in common, eyes, ears, heart, feet, and so forth, there are behavior things and reactions that are so universal that we can say with certainty that they will always happen.

But is that true?

Genetically, we are different from each other, generally, there are identical twins, but even then, they have differences that the acquire from their environment, so what gives? Why are we so obsessed with a universal way of acting, behaving, believing, and living of life?

At no time is there such a fascinating example of this conflict then how people react to stressful situations. Sometimes, for everyone at some point, a lot gets thrown at you, sometimes faster than you think you can handle. At times like these, people panic, they do things that seem out of character. People who have never prayed in their lives will show up at some random church and ask for outside help, answers and solutions to current life problems that seem so impossible thinking there is some universal, standard way to solve it.

Why do people ask for solutions? Why not ask for the strength to handle the situation? Isn’t that by far more important? I found a journal that I used for a while, when I was very sick, back in college, most of it was rubbish at this point in my life, but one page just made my day, gave me the self-esteem boost I needed to keep going with the packing and the moving and the life changing. It said the following:

Rule #1: You must come up with your own answers to everything. You cannot steal anyone else’s. That’s cheating.

Rule #2: Everything is temporary.

I think in life, so often, we “cheat,” we don’t ask for help, we ask for solutions, we ask people what they would do if they had the same problem and we then copy them, we do the same thing instead of taking the time to understand that there is so much more to be taken from that problem that appeared for us, in our own life.

Also, we also forget that things change. My grandfather always told me that if life gave me too much to handle, that I should take a nap because when I wake up I’ll have more strength to deal with it or the problem will change into something else, so that it may be easier to handle. No where did he ever call up someone and ask for assistance, however, he was a guy, and guys tend not to, but regardless, it’s still a good point. It’s silly to get upset with a problem for too long, because it, like everything is just going to exist for a while and then leave or turn into something else. It’s just the way it goes.

I currently have so many problems and concerns that I feel overwhelmed. I just don’t know what to do, except wake everyday and hope that I will find the strength to keep my head up and keep asking for more information. I think that’s reasonable, because with more information I can find solutions, at some point, for my current problems and although with new information comes new problems, they will be ones that will help me grow even more in life, so it’s a good thing.

At least, that’s what I keep telling myself, but in reality, I want to just pack up my suitcases, runaway back to Kansas and just hide under a bed in my grandmother’s basement for the next several months. I’d make an appearance for Christmas.

Sigh. I can’t though, I can’t do it. I haven’t run away from anything else that has been thrown at me so this should be easy, right? Truth is, there is no universal answer to the question of what I should be doing. I’m not just talking about the question of what one should do with their life, but just even in an everyday kind of sense. Oddly, while it is so obvious that my life is unique and I need to discover this myself, there is the temptation of stealing an answer from some where else, some place else, from some other life and claiming it as my own.

However, it’s not entirely possible, we each steal things and ideas all the time. How many things do you use that were invented by someone else? See? I guess, there is something we have in common besides processing the same organs: we are all a bunch of conniving thieves. I think I want a t-shirt that says that…

The Benefits of an Extended Vacation

2007-07-09T09:03:00.000-04:00

I have heard it said by many people how important it is to at some point in life go visit some place that is away from home, most say a foreign country, for at least long enough that you no longer feel like you are on vacation, where you can be yourself. It’s a hard feat, I think. When you are home, you are yourself, but so much of yourself is defined by your life there. I think that is something that most don’t realize. When you are out of your safety net of home, hell, even going away to college has a safety net, but I am really talking about going some place that doesn’t have that kind of familiarity in any way. Granted, I’m still in the United States, so I guess I can in no way consider myself knowledgeable about finding ones self in a new place when I clearly can locate a familiar fast food place in a short amount of time. Regardless, I do think there is a lot that I can say about my experiences here, especially along the lines of self discovery.

First and fore most, I need to give myself a lot more credit. I am definitely braver than I thought, stronger than I thought and healthier than I ever dreamed of being. I’m also incredibly lucky and fortunate. I don’t know where in life I developed the type and degree of level headedness that I have, but it’s fantastic. I have encountered so many people who are closed minded in some way and I’m sure I am in some respect also, but it’s just be interesting to see how I tend to relate to people so well. I can’t walk anywhere by myself without complete strangers just walking up to me and starting a conversation. People of all ages, races, backgrounds. It’s like I give off the ultimate I am a nice, friendly person vibe. I’m also a lot more empathetic, which I guess is why people seem so comfortable around me. It’s been interesting. I went into an interview for a sales job, something I have been telling myself I could never do and I would hate if I ever did, but I found it easy to interact with and communicate with all of the different people there. I don’t mean to ramble about this. It’s just so fascinating since for such a long time, a period of years, I couldn’t communicate what time of day it was, much less how I thought about anything. I still have issues, but I’m very optimistic about it now. I almost have the self confidence to be even more open and honest with people, especially family and friends, which is something I have struggle with.

I’m also learning that I do indeed have dreams and goals I want to accomplish in life. Discovering this about myself just makes me so incredibly happy. I guess it’s a good sign that I can leave home for several weeks and return with the inner power and belief that I can get things done and feel good about it and myself at the same time.

Granted, there are things I can’t get away from, like how I am a woman, so yes, I would like to lose ten pounds and yes, I do day dream about some day having a fairy tale wedding and yes, I am a sucker for a massive blow out sale at a girlie place like bath and body works. On a related note, I’m way more girlie than I thought I was. If I had, say, a thousand dollars to blow on clothes, I would go to the mall and buy a bunch of sun dresses with beautiful prints and other type things and pretty shoes, probably not high heals, but just nice shoes, not tennis shoes. I would also buy jewelry. I haven’t decided yet if I want to get my ears pierced. That’s kind of a conflicted issue on a personal level. (The whole belief I have had for a long time how if I was meant to come with more holes, I would have been born with them.) I would also like to have some purses. I am sick and tired of wearing Bermuda shorts and carrying everything around in my pockets. Also, as funny as this is, I’m starting to really like pink, but I think that one is to blame on being in the South in the summer. Pink is just everywhere and it’s hard not to like something that is in so many places.

Sorry, I started to day dream about shopping for clothes and dancing in the rain in a yellow sun dress so I think I should end this post and move on to another when I regain my brain.

Charleston Bridges

2007-07-05T13:03:00.000-04:00

The geography in this area is interesting. The population is spread out over several peninsulas that are connected by a series of bridges, not to mention the swamps that sometimes create extra divisions. There isn't some downtown commercial center with sky scrapers anywhere, everything is so spread out. I've spent a great deal of time ever since I spent some time studying urban geography bad mouthing suburbia development, but I guess in a swamp land like this, it may be the only way to go. Now, I'm not saying the road system is efficient, because it's not and the bus system is it's own type of ridiculous, but it is amazing that things are connected at all down here. I have never seen a ten lane highway connect two areas of such little population, and there are several of them, but it makes sense, I guess. I hardly see any major traffic, which is good, because drivers down here are nuts. However, when there is a traffic jam, it goes on for miles and there is often the one bridge that connects point A to point B so you just inch along while it takes you the hour or so to cross the bridge. If you look past all the concrete, the landscapes are beautiful. It's amazing how you can sometimes just look out your window and see magnificent birds, alligators or other wildlife. It's quite lovely.

The Fourth

2007-07-05T07:01:00.000-04:00

It's funny how life works sometimes. I keep thinking to myself, why am I here? What am I doing here? And then I just sit back and try to enjoy myself. Yesterday, I was freaking out, mainly due to homesickness because I love spending the holiday with my family, eating lots of good food, listening to the same stories told year after year and later on in the evening, watching fireworks as I get eaten alive by bugs. Tradition is important. I can't help being who I am and how I tend to follow life by the ideas taught in Methodism, granted I'm not the most religious person in the world, but there is something to be said for a modern twist on Wesley's Quadrilateral, which stressed the importance of tradition.

Even though I couldn't do the standard hang out with family and watch fireworks, we did go out and eat ribs, which were fantastic as well as walk through a mall. Can I be any more American? It was strange how many cell phone booths, jewelry stores and shoe stores there were. Also, I have never seen so much 'bling' before in my life. Other than that, a nice relaxing holiday. I have more to say, but it will have to come later. :)

Soul Searching in Charleston

2007-07-03T10:27:00.000-04:00

In case you haven’t heard, I am currently located in the town of North Charleston in South Carolina. My reasons for coming out here are rather personal; at least most of them, but among them include the basic soul searching that one must do in life from time to time. I haven’t been here for very long, but I must say, my stay thus far has been very rewarding. I’m discovering, or rather, reminding me what is most important to me, my personal beliefs, values, dreams and how I really need to redirect and reorganize my life. This kind of overhaul is necessary so that I can continue to be happy.

I know such a concept may seem strange to some, but in life it’s not about asking what is normal, what is average, what one should be doing right now, but rather, what is normal for me? What is average for me? What should I be doing right now? I find it rather interesting how I live in a society and culture focused on individualism but yet at the same time there is so much emphasis on fitting in. We spend so much energy telling people to be themselves, yet at the same time give so much advice, sometimes directing people as to what they should do with themselves, pressuring them to fit into some standard picture in some way.

Back home, I consistently felt like I couldn’t get out of the sick person mold. I would start something and someone would always take it over somehow and the end result would be not what I had envisioned. I could never when that battle. I apparently lack the ability to communicate when I need help, what kind of help I need and when I no longer need help with something. I also couldn’t say no to any one. I’m doing much better down here, I can actually stand up for myself and say no and stop and be demanding and fight for my needs. It’s a strange feeling, I feel guilty about it, but at the same time it’s empowering.

I think on some level a person needs some kind of a purpose or a role to fill and I am no exception. I desire to fill a role other than the sick, hopeless, crazy, dumb person. How one defines purpose and role is personal, at least I think it is. Some people are satisfied defining it as sister or friend, while others need to define it as teacher or engineer. There are of course others, the small short ones that often get over looked. How many times has a complete stranger brightened up or ruined your day? How many times have you walked down the street and because someone smiled at you, your day was better and how many times has a moron driver sent you plummeting into a bad mood? The point is, we are filling roles, finding a purpose, to a large degree, by simply being ourselves and living our everyday life.

I know that for most people, what is normal for them is to reach for and obtain big goals, to become a writer, a firefighter, to obtain skills that take lots of work and effort over many years. What is normal for me, is lots of little things. I don’t want some life long career; I don’t want to live in the same town my whole life. I want to do many different things, see many different places. However, at the same time, I don’t want to be a nomad traveler; I just want a change of scenery every now and again. I want to explore a little, try new things, but at the same time I want to find a place I could call home. I haven’t quite figured it out yet, maybe I need to have a home base and then go on lots of vacations and see the world as a part time hobby or something. In short, I still don’t know. It’s okay though, it’s alright to not know everything, to just wake up each day and enjoy it. I won’t lie, I have had my days where I wake up at six in the morning, eat breakfast and get so overwhelmed by all the luxurious freedom that I have that I go right to bed and sleep for a while. Somehow by shortening the day by an hour just makes it seem more conquerable.

I do my best to get out everyday and enjoy the sunshine and allow myself to break down and cry every once in a while because, well, it’s a lot of change in a short amount of time and it’s healthy to emotionally react to all that is around you, which sometimes means crying…and other times it means breaking out in a funky dance in your pajamas and making lots of little squeaky happy giggling noises.

Regardless, this too won’t last; soon I’ll be somewhere, starting over all over again, probably for a couple more times. It’s a lot to handle. Can this whole situation be even possible? Is it real? These are questions I ask myself repeatedly. What is love? How do I know when I meet the person I want to travel along life with? Is it a feeling, a spark? Is it more gradual? What would one do for love, if that is indeed what they had? Should I plan the next phase of my life around this person I’m currently spending the summer with? It seems it would be a bad idea on so many levels. Forget all the previous reasons people had to call me crazy, doing that would establish a whole new list of reasons to do so. It also implies that this guy somehow replaces the love that I had for the last person I was dating, which isn’t true, and never will be. People aren’t replaceable, not on any level. I still firmly believe that.

No, what I have here is something entirely different, something that I had never encountered. It’s very odd in that respect. It doesn’t replace nor is it like any previous relationship and he’s not like any other person I have met either. I don’t feel I have to give up anything about myself, my life, my future, and my dreams to have it. It’s an addition, a wonderful addition. Knowing him, being in a relationship with him, just adds things to my life. I can just be myself and everything is okay. I don’t have to lie about my moods, my feelings, my past, my opinions, everything about me is okay here and with him, I’m okay here, me, in my entirety. I can be open and honest in way I never could before. It’s not a competition and I’m not competing with him. We’re not fighting for the spot light; we are just enjoying each other’s company, so maybe I’m not crazy, maybe this is the person I should travel through life with. We do seem to bring out the best in each other…

I just don’t know, I bloody just don’t know.

More to come later…